Sorry all, I had issues creating my account today so feeling rather uncommunicative atm.

I am currently male with gender identity confusion. It has only been recently that I have even allowed the possibility of being transgendered and even now I am troubled. I will try to get more into it later when my mood is better.
I do realize that many of my questions can only be handled in counseling but I am just beginning to accept that there might be an answer to my problem. I am not in a position that counseling is feasible at this time (money time and privacy also not sure I should).
I am torn whether to post this or to delete my account and retreat back to come to terms with this myself but I guess I'll peak further into this rabbit hole.

Welcome to Wonderland, White Rabbit.

If you're having doubts about your gender identity then you've come to the right place. Some people have spent years being conflicted over their identity before finally facing it, so I firmly believe it is better to deal with your issues head on rather than retreat.

If you decide to stay you'll find a great community of friendly people to help you, as well as numerous resources to consult.

Coming here was your first step, and granted that can be daunting, but it's better to have a support network than to face your issues alone with uncertainty and doubt.

Good luck!

Thanks Dreams

I think the main issue I have is I don't mind presenting as male, it's just under the cloths I want to be female. I wouldn't go as far as to say need but then again who knows.

Quote from: White Rabbit on July 28, 2013, 03:15:20 PM
Thanks Dreams

I think the main issue I have is I don't mind presenting as male, it's just under the cloths I want to be female. I wouldn't go as far as to say need but then again who knows.

I only came here a week ago and that is exactly how I feel! I don't feel depressed about being physically male, but I have that incredible desire to be a woman locked safely inside my head, kept safe for when I can begin a transition.

I'm hoping to start therapy within the next few months.

There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to being transgender. Some people can deal with presenting as they appear, whilst others cannot.

Welcome White Rabbit! I hope you find what you're looking for!

Amy

Thanks Amy and once again than you Dreams your response does help quite a bit.

Well lets get this out of the way.

Note: these comments negative as they are are ENTIRELY directed inwards not one bit of these comments are in anyways directed outwards. These comments are meant only to show my conflict not to cause offense.
I feel that if I am transgendered then I am not wrong my body is.
My conflict is that I don't have an issue that I am just a filthy perverted freak with a kink that is better off shutting up and keeping everything to myself so society doesn't have to be bothered by me.

Please Please no one take offense to that, this is what I feel about myself sometimes not what I feel towards other people.
I grew up in a village where my mother was a single mom and a school teacher, a group from the local church (which I was a member) tried to get her fired for the crime of going out after school with the male teachers for a beer. For the most part minorities were the chinese families that ran the resteraunts in nearby towns. Diversity and understanding of others was not a big thing where I grew up.

Once again please no one take any offence to my words it really would kill me a little inside if someone was hurt by my words, this is probably by far the most negative post I'll be posting here.

Thinking yourself to be perverted and a freak is probably just the conflict of emotions talking. You may think yourself to be a freak because perhaps you come from a more conservative area?

Feeling like your brain doesn't match your body isn't perverted. You may find it scary, but it isn't perverted.

To be honest if you've only just taken your first step to exploring your issues then it wouldn't be surprising if you're experiencing a lot of mixed feelings about it.

You may find in the coming days that as you begin to look deep inside yourself you may find more clarity.

Plus I don't think people will find it offensive. Acceptance is a difficult step for everyone.

As you can likely tell I do have a poor self image, it's a good thing I can fake confidence

Quote from: White Rabbit on July 28, 2013, 03:55:21 PM
I feel that if I am transgendered then I am not wrong my body is.

Many of us feel this way.

Quote from: White Rabbit on July 28, 2013, 03:55:21 PM
My conflict is that I don't have an issue that I am just a filthy perverted freak with a kink that is better off shutting up and keeping everything to myself so society doesn't have to be bothered by me.

That's the hateful parts of society talking. I can tell you that when I was a teenager, I thought something similar. I didn't understand how I could feel the way I did and I didn't understand how anyone else could either. So I closeted my feelings and didn't start being completely honest with myself for 15 years. That's not very long compared to how long some others have waited to transition. It's a lot to take in and just take it slowly. Just know there's nothing wrong with you and you aren't a perverted freak. The only way to understand how you feel is to face your feelings/fears.

Coming here was a good first step. Next I suggest looking for a good gender therapist to help you work out how you're feeling.

Amy

Thanks Amy
It also doesn't help that my first "experience" with a transgendered person was being told by a friend of the same age as me 7-8 I believe that there was a woman in town who used to be a man. Instead of having someone explain to me I had my friend basically saying to me "I know Eww right". This developed I am ashamed to say a prejudice in my mind that lasted over 30 years until a friend came out as transgendered and to my great shame I reacted poorly to. After my friend came out it took me a while to come to terms with transgendered people but I became much more accepting.

As for counceling unfortunately I am not really in a position for that right now hopefully in the relatively near future I'll be able to go. As I now live in a small isolated conservative city if I tried for counceling here I'd be more likely to wind up institutionalized then getting the help I need. The institutionalization would likely be more as a result of being put on antidepressants which are as deadly to me as potassium cyanide just a lot more annoying to others.

Hi White Rabbit 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hi White Rabbit,
          You're not a kink or a pervert, you're simply going through one of the internal question and answer sessions that has runs through a lot of our brains at one time or another. Now being a white rabbit we hope that you get rid of that clock and stick around for awhile, we will get to know each other better and you will probably learn a lot that may be helpful.

Heh a pervert maybe not but a kink most definitely.

It almost feels like there are 2 personalities at war withing myself male and female. The male is the upbringing and the one that has issues, the female side witch seems to be gaining more strength is definitely a twisted little bunny. Thus the Alice in Wonderland theme to my account, the door to a twisted rabbit hole has been opened and it will be interesting to see how deep it goes.

The first time that I can remember that I had any hint of what is seeming to come to fruition I was playing with my friend when I was 9 or 10 and I played the tied up damsel in distress beginning my interest in bondage even before puberty. Now I have never participated in any bondage sessions but the interest has always been there but only in the role of a woman.

Quote from: White Rabbit on July 28, 2013, 07:47:19 PM
Heh a pervert maybe not but a kink most definitely.

It almost feels like there are 2 personalities at war withing myself male and female. The male is the upbringing and the one that has issues, the female side witch seems to be gaining more strength is definitely a twisted little bunny. Thus the Alice in Wonderland theme to my account, the door to a twisted rabbit hole has been opened and it will be interesting to see how deep it goes.

The first time that I can remember that I had any hint of what is seeming to come to fruition I was playing with my friend when I was 9 or 10 and I played the tied up damsel in distress beginning my interest in bondage even before puberty. Now I have never participated in any bondage sessions but the interest has always been there but only in the role of a woman.

Might not be normal in the straight world, but it sounds completely normal here! 

Quote from: White Rabbit on July 28, 2013, 07:47:19 PM
Heh a pervert maybe not but a kink most definitely.

It almost feels like there are 2 personalities at war withing myself male and female. The male is the upbringing and the one that has issues, the female side witch seems to be gaining more strength is definitely a twisted little bunny. Thus the Alice in Wonderland theme to my account, the door to a twisted rabbit hole has been opened and it will be interesting to see how deep it goes.

The first time that I can remember that I had any hint of what is seeming to come to fruition I was playing with my friend when I was 9 or 10 and I played the tied up damsel in distress beginning my interest in bondage even before puberty. Now I have never participated in any bondage sessions but the interest has always been there but only in the role of a woman.

Welcome to the site.  I can certainly relate to what you are saying here.  My personas have been at war in the past.

I identify as bi-gendered.  And we have several members here who are into forms of bondage.  Generally though, that is not much of a discussion topic on a support site.

The only issue I might have with my bondage fetish is sometimes I question am I really transgendered or is it all part of a bondage fetish. I may talk a bit about bondage to try to make sure my fetish and my gender issues are 2 sepprate things but I go elsewhere for my dirty stories