I was walking to my mom's yesterday, and I walked right into a red light while crossing the street. I was zoned out, I was completely unable to see what I was doing. The world around me simply wasn't there. If not for my walking with my wife, I bet I would have just walked into traffic.

This has been happening to me a lot lately. For several months now.

I go out to go to the bank, drop by the grocery store and then mom's and off to the mall, and I forget portions of the sequence.

I can't keep my thoughts in check. I have no focus. And it is all because I can't NOT think of my problems connected to being a transwoman.

It's always, did that person think I was weird, or I wish I could wear a skirt right now, or I hate not having any hair on top, or I will be pondering a popular problem we all face like the rest room issue, or the cost of treatments.

But yesterday bothered me, as it made it plain, I am doing more than just wander through the day not getting much done, I am also sometimes not paying attention in dangerous situations.

I have no solutions I can think of. Aside from magically being able to just become a woman in the anatomical sense of the word at the snap of the fingers and making my problems vanish.

My life has become an endless duration of misery.
I buy wargames I never play, because my mindset is all askew. I have lost the aggression of my former self. I find a lot of movies are now a bit to rough, too guy like.
I feel like my programming is all mangled.
I simply don't have decades of the daily routine of female existence to work with.

How does everyone cope?
I have never felt so utterly mentally exhausted in my life.

Lesley, I think I remember a post you made about a piece of jewelry and how it made you feel good. That's the magic of small steps.  Don't focus on the enormous task of snapping your fingers to happiness. Give yourself another small goal, achieve it, and know you've made another small step in the right direction. Hugs, Devlyn

A trans friend and I made up a term for what you're going through. We call it GIP, "gender identity preoccupation". When your transgender demands your attention constantly. That pretty much describes me, last summer.

The only thing that banished it for me was taking concrete steps to discover my gender identity and developing a presentation that was true to it.

In practice, that meant dressing as a woman for outings and eventually planning a transition to full-time female presentation that I'm currently six weeks into.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on July 29, 2013, 07:30:38 AM

How does everyone cope?
I have never felt so utterly mentally exhausted in my life.

It takes tough skin and care to get past all that comes before you. Care in the fact you care for you in ways that are needed by moments. I know how you feel, i was mentally exhausted from the time i started HRT till just 2 weeks before my GCS. Everyday was something on my gender plate. Not everything was bad but always something to remind me that my dysphoria was still alive and kicking my sss. Do not get me wrong i had in that same time so many great days and they where the days i held onto as long as i could. Made the not so good days less of a burdon on my mind.
The fog will get less and less as the days, weeks, months and years pass. I wish everything was easier but i have not found life in general is easy.

Hugs for thoes mentally exhausting days.
Izzy

I'm getting a lot of models made I suppose.

I have been going through many days with the idea 'screw it I can't think straight' and I end up sitting making a model and hiding from my life basically.

Fortunately the act of assembling models is to me as easy as breathing.

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 29, 2013, 11:09:31 AM
A trans friend and I made up a term for what you're going through. We call it GIP, "gender identity preoccupation". When your transgender demands your attention constantly.

I love this expression, it makes perfect sense.  I also went through a period such as this that lasted the better part of a couple years.  Once I got some professional help from a therapist, things got better.  Once things were out in the open and I wasn't keeping everything bottled up, things weren't constantly on my mind all day long.

I generally kept myself busy with school, I read a lot (just about anything). 

I've seen it referred to before as a "Pink Fog"... and yeah, it's pretty distracting.

I got the sense from your post that you're quite early in. If that's the case, don't worry about it. I had the same issue when my transition was just on hold, and then during the "inbetween" stage it was the worst. Now that I am passing nearly all the time, it crosses my mind so much less because I am living as myself.

Worrying about the worrying also makes it worse lol. Just accept that they're there for now, even if it's a pain. It will get better.

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 29, 2013, 11:09:31 AM
We call it GIP, "gender identity preoccupation". When your transgender demands your attention constantly.

Yes, i'm quite familiar with GIP. I notice it mostly when i drive lately. I almost ran over a hapless bicyclist on my way to my last therapy visit because I just didn't see him or the big green sign denoting a crosswalk (and i was consciously trying to pay more attention - didn't work). Instead I drifted off into thinking about what we were going to discuss and I quit watching things around me. Pink fog is the term that i usually hear to describe it.

I still feel bad about it a couple of days later.

Lesley_Roberta - in my experience the pink fog comes and goes. I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time of it right now.

Yeah, I've been feeling like that for a very long time. It has been so painful that I'm just shutting down. I am sick of talking. I don't want to work. I don't want to do anything.

Hang in there sisters. It gets better as you start the self acceptance process, suddenly out of the blue it changes and you'll find yourself stopped in front of a shop thinking, Geex that dress would look really good on me.

And you realise you have accepted yourself and you smile at people and they smile back and a guy checks you out as he walks passed and .........

Hang in.

And keep talking!!!!

Cindy

Thanks for the comfort.

Pink fog, yeah it's London fog thick, like the fog I recall from the Bay of Fundy too.

It will be a full year come November that I can qualify it as actual fully acknowledged, not playing around, transgender acceptance for me.

Over the months, I have had the chance to look back, and see things in a new perspective that before, I'd have probably laughed off as my just being inherently weird.

I've dumped some inaccurate notions, and have moved forward on some choices I was unsure of what one to pick.

I suppose it is not any easier being 20 and not wanting to waste any valuable life span on the wrong body, and being on the reverse slope in life, and not having all the time in the world to waste on the wrong form either.

I have asked myself, if I transition, will becoming old merely ruin it as aging male form takes over, or, will I get to be an old woman eventually. Hey we all get old.

I have a friend off site that has bravely initiated a donation option to help her fund her transition. I plan to chip in and donate a bit to her even though I am likely an even bigger need for charity than she is. Life is easier when we occasionally help a friend, and it sometimes makes me feel a little less helpless when I can say 'I was able to help another, I'm not totally broke quite yet'.

Some days though, it seems so lonely, so devoid of anyone actually present. No support group in my local area within walking distance.
Days like that can sure feel long.

No one to have some no account reason to overtly acknowledge my being female.

That's primarily while my one friend I think likes to call me a wench and demand I make him a sammich
He's merely trying to make me feel female, even if he's using a cliche stereotype.

How do I cope? Let's see...

"It's always, did that person think I was weird, or I wish I could wear a skirt right now, or I hate not having any hair on top, or I will be pondering a popular problem we all face like the rest room issue, or the cost of treatments."

Most everyone thinks I'm wierd anyway. The way I dress at times, things I say and do and the way I look. I always get looks. It used to bother me in the very beginning of starting to be eccentric. It didn't last long though because I stopped caring what people thought of me. A tiny bit of myself likes to shock people and I started using it for such.

As for the clothing, it doesn't really matter to me what I'm wearing. Clothing doesn't make the person, even though it goes against the old sayings. Who I am is who I am regardless on what I wear. I know, it does sound a little cliche'.

Hair on top. Invest in a good wig that could pass as both female and a male with long hair those times that you have to be male. I don't have that problem and hope I never do but if it ever comes to that I would wear one constantly. I am a little vain at times.

As for the bathroom issue. I would like to be able to use the proper restroom when the situation calls for it without fear of repurcussions. But I don't like multistall public restrooms anyway and always search for private, lock the door restrooms. I'm more preoccupied with that than the run of the mill public restrooms.

The cost of treatments? I really don't worry too much about that because if I want it bad enough, I'll find a way. I'm not really as worried about the full SRS as much as the HRT. And then if it comes to SRS, I'll worry about it then.

Lesley, try your best to think and have your thoughts occupy the present. With what you said, you could find yourself in an extremely dangerous situation. Or at least put these thoughts on the backburner until you are in a safe place where you won't be hurt by walking into traffic or if driving, run off the road, run a redlight or head on someone else. I know it's hard to do and if it is next to impossible at least split your attention part here and now and the other part on all the other thoughts, kinda' like multi tasking.