I am new here and just a little bit confused as to where I belong, let me explain. I am a 43yr old divorced truck driver who has just began to open the door to somehting that both excites me and totally terrifies me at the same time. I belive and have always belived that I was born the weong sex and that i should be female. That being said I have alot of factors that have held me back form doing anything about possibly being transsexual. The main one is my 14yr old son who is everything to me and I am afraid if i told him that I wanted to become a female, he would not be able to take that and I might lose him, which I am not sure I could handle. I am seeing a gender therapist and also being a part of these forums and chatting with others like me has helped alot. it seems since I have opened this door to being what I know that I am, I cant stop thinking about being female and that causes me alot of frustrations, but being able to talk to others like me has helped a great deal. I have never fit in as one of the guys, I just didn't share their attitudes about women, life etc. I alawys had more women friends, than male friends. I only had few girlfriends that I dated, I just had more that were just close friends that I could share with. I have been married three times and divorced three times and I now believe the reason for that was that I couldn't give all of myself to them,becuase I was never happy with who or what I was. I just thought being married would make me feel normal and I could be happy. It didn't work. I didn't have sex until I was 22yrs old and since then I can count the number of times on both hands, I never felt right, and I had a hard time performing. I could satisfy a woman in other ways, just not the normal way for a male. I have ignored this for so long, I always thought that i was just sick or preverted in some way. I have now started to relalize that i was unhappy all that time because I didn't feel right about my male body and never have. I am 6'3 210lbs and very very small down there. which makes me belive even more that i should have been born female. I have never allowed myself to even consider being female, because everytime I would even try guilt, fear, and shame would stop me. I have now just began to allow myself to do this and I feel some peace. I have removed most of my body hair, I am going to buy some female undergarments to wear under my male clothing, and I am going to go to a female transition salon. I have not fully dressed as female since halloween, because that was the only time it was safe to do so, when I was dressed I was so comfortable and at peace that I didn't want it to end. like I said above i am truck driver so it is very hard to keep anything femine on the truck, we are subject to inspections at anytime.
I know I posted the new and confused post, but I thought that I should really introduce myself here and share most of my story with you. I am truly thankful that Susan's exists, I love it here and I feel like I found a home. I know that through therapy, reading , research, and help from others like me that have already been down this road and those who are just starting like me I will be able to come to a decsion that is truly right for me.
Thank you
Alena
