Despite having changed my name, I have managed to not come out to one of my roommates. My mail goes to a UPS box for other reasons, and it has just never seemed like something I really wanted to share with him. Yes, that means I don't get male pronouns or my new name at at home. It is not great.
Today, we were talking about the show Orange is the New Black, which features a trans woman as a character. It shows her transitioning in a few flashback scenes, and out of nowhere, the roommate said how disgusted he was by the scenes. I was taken aback. He's gay - how does he not realize it is basically the same thing as if someone had watched something about a gay person and said, "That's gross!" I asked him why he thought that, but otherwise left it alone and left the conversation upset. Now there is no way I can tell him, but part of me wants to tell him, so he has that moment when he maybe realizes he was wrong.
My other roommate, who has been my best friend for 15 years, and who I moved across the country with when he bought a house up here (where the 3 of us live now), has said he won't use male pronouns or use my new name anyways - so it has been a non-issue. I came out to him over a year ago when I changed my name. He thinks people that are transgender are "sad and weird," calls trans people 'It' in conversation, and the rare occasions when something related to being trans comes up, he goes out of his way to be insulting about it.
Today, he was present for the conversation with the other roommate, and as he knows about me, I brought up the disappointing comment about trans people. His response was, "So what? Get over it."
This seems like an awful reaction from my best friend, but I have to view it in context of the fact he saved my life, no exaggeration. I had a mental break from a severe manic episode that led to a bipolar diagnosis, and during it, I destroyed everything in my life. I could have worked to fix it, but the resulting anxiety and depression afterwards were crippling. I shut everything out and abandoned my life. He got me through it though with some time , and honestly, he is the only friend I have at all now. I don't talk to my family and haven't for years, and we are close enough to be family, so he is really all I have on that front as well. I am only alive today because of him - 100% no exaggeration. I can't hate him for how feels. I owe him everything. He saved me when I had no one else that even cared.
I get my first T shot this week, so I figured it was time to revisit these issues with my best friend and maybe come out to the other roommate, so I could at least have the right pronouns and name at home. Now, I just feel like they don't deserve to know. This means I will be hiding the fact I am on T from both of them.
I just feel isolated, and once again, my pathetic loneliness is crushing.
