Hi,

my name is Kajetan, or at least i chose this name. Actually im very nervous to be here, first because im no englisch native (so please excuse my errors).
The second reason is because i think im very shy, especailly because only two people know that i am a transgender.
I am born a woman, but i always wanted to be a boy, now that i am older i know that i am gay man in a womans body.

When i was younger, at the age of 19 i tried for a short period of time to be "myself" but it ended badly.
For a few years  i could accept my body, mostly because i tried to imagine to be someone else.
The fact that i had a new boyfriend all the time made it somehow easier, when i was in longer relationship i lost naerly every interest in sex.
Since i can remembery live was very complicated, i had abusive parents and no support whatsoever from home.
I had a lot of problems, was depressed and suicidal, sex and anything related to it was no priority.

Now that i am lot better mentaly, im dealing with my sexaulity again.
I am not sure i can every be brave enough for surgery.
Since 2007 i am in a long time relationship with a very sweet and loving man, we had a lot of problems, but the last 2 years our relationsship are very happy.

Now that i have accepted how i really am, i´m sexually active again! And i started to be creative again, now i`m also writing und singing 
My boyfriend knows everything about me and its alright for him to roleplay and we have talked about me beeing a man.
But at least a the moment he cant imagine being with me as a guy.

But i want to honest!I want to shout from the rooftops, but sometimes i dont now how to live withmyelf anymore.
And even though i feel a lot better i stoppt having contact with a lot of my friend, and stay mostly at home.

I think im really lonly because i fell like a liar all the time and dont now what to do and how to react.

Thank you for reading my introduction. maybe some of you can help my find a way to live with myself.

Im really thankful in advance. It felt good to get this of my chest

Kajetan

Hi Kajetan 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

Hi Kajetan,

Welcome to our little family. Over 6856. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.


Janet  )O(

Ollo,

I am relieved to hear you are doing a lot better mentally now. I feel distraught when i hear what others have been through. It's also wonderful to hear you have found a charming guy, and have been with him for a few years :C Now, you just need to find out how to get the ball rolling with progressing.

Welcome, kajetan!  I am in southern California.  Don't worry about your language.  You post was entirely understandable.

And by the way you spelled "englisch" I guess you speak Deutsch.

Welcome to Susan's, kajetan!

Amy

Thank`s for the nice welcome and the encouragement!
nice meeting you all, the family part sounds nice.
And yes, my mother tongue is german ^^