To give some recent background, I was up for a massive promotion and income increase in July.  My spouse was a front runner for a new position at the company which would have dramatically increased her salary.  Considering the upcoming child care expenses, these raises were going to be just what we needed to maintain our lifestyle and finally provide enough disposable income for me to take larger steps toward managing the physical dysphoria associated with my gender dysphoria - namely affording laser hair treatments and electrolysis.

I found out earlier this month that I would not be getting the promotion, that it was tabled indefinitely.  We found out a few weeks ago my spouse was turned down for the new job.  We found out a few days ago that she will no longer have her current job in September.

Things went from the precipice of "the best they could be" to "oh my goodness, how are we going to afford anything?"  Needless to say, my dysphoria has been peaking.  I was making major strides toward greater management of my dysphoria when suddenly now, it appears I won't be able to afford any of it.  I won't even have the income to afford the gas (I live REALLY far from town) to go to support meetings anymore.

My spouse will stay home and take care of the baby and I make 32K a year doing a job that would normally pay 55K or higher.  So the obvious solution is, why don't I get a better job?  I currently work for a very liberal company and am out and it is very comfortable for me and not very triggering.  To go back to the corporate style environment I used to be in would kill me.  I remember what it was like and each day was a real struggle with my dysphoria.  Suit and tie, hyper masculine work activities, and especially after work socials... ugh.  I never want to go back to those kinds of expectations, but I cannot afford to stay where I am at.

The other night a strange - really strange solution came to me.  I ran it by my spouse, and on the surface she actually thinks its a good idea, but is worried.  I need a way to make more money, but I need it to not trigger my dysphoria.  I thought, why don't I just get a job as female?

My spouse actually likes the idea as it seems to solve all of the current issues (dysphoria and finances).  I'd present as a transwoman, no illusions there, and if they are willing to hire me for anywhere close to what I'm worth (I'm thinking 45K) then I'd take the job.  I wouldn't have to worry about my dysphoria destroying me.  The only caveat is, I'd still need to present as male for my spouse.

Her worry is that it will work too well, that it will make me want to transition completely, and that I'll resent her when I have to return to living as male at night.  While I believe it is a valid concern, I'm not sure what will happen!  I'd like to think my commitment to her and the proof of that commitment I've already shown will be strong enough to keep any desire to completely transition in check.  Full transition (HRT, SRS) would be nearly impossible for me anyhow with my blood condition.

As far as logistics go, I can already pass as female pretty easily (I do it unintentionally now), though I'm out of practice with my voice.  I own no clothes, no make up, no hair styling accessories, no breastforms, nor anything else I had during transition, so I'd have to reacquire everything.  I'd also need a "walking letter" (do they do those anymore?) from a psychologist to resolve any potential bathroom issues.

So what do you think?  Am I crazy?  I think this could actually work on so many levels.  There are concerns though - mostly somehow keeping the two lives from blending or running into one another.  My spouse does NOT want her folks to find out and never wants to see me as a passable female.  She says its hard enough sometimes realizing how feminine I look and how others comment on it to her.

It wouldn't be too hard to hide my status at my job because I can easily talk about my job to others without telling them what shade of eyeshadow I was wearing.  I'm more worried about someone from work finding out I'm not living full time as female by catching me presenting as male accidentally.  I'm worried I might be seen as some sort of voyeur.

Kate

The more time I spent in girl mode, the less I could stand to be in guy mode. Though perhaps you have more tolerance than I for hiding your female side. For me, well my female side IS me so I knew I needed to transition.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, Kate. Sorry.

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 31, 2013, 09:29:59 PM
The more time I spent in girl mode, the less I could stand to be in guy mode. Though perhaps you have more tolerance than I for hiding your female side. For me, well my female side IS me so I knew I needed to transition.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, Kate. Sorry.

Honestly everyone in my regular life knows I'm trans and most see me as female inside despite my exterior.  I get invited to do everything the girls do normally and when playing games where we split teams, I get pulled over to the girl team.  So my personal life isn't all that bad, it's always been work that sucks.  This seems to fix the problem of work.

It seems that I can have the expectation of my friends to see me as female even if not always presenting as one, but it is unrealistic to have my coworkers do the same  if I'm not presenting as female.  This way I give the one group who would have the hardest time with it the chance to see me as me.

Thanks for your comment.

how  hard is it going to be for you do do the part time switch, will you be able to do it for her without resenting it? I switched to boy mode for my wife for a couple of years and I despised myself switching multiple times a day would make me schizoid.

before we got together she knew of my past and she wondered if it would stick. 2 years after we married I started HRT again.

How would that work if you don't have a name change and all that? Or would you just be a trans women and people refer to you with a preferred name?

I would say if a company is liberal and open enough to hire you as a trans women, then it probably would alleviate that problem for you. I hope you can make it work.

I think a lot of it depends on how strong your relationship is. Also, has your wife seen you present female? Like totally female. I know in my old situation during my engagement with my ex-fiance she had only ever really seen present totally female once and that was in the beginning of our relationship when love was really strong. But I dressed up as Miss America for on Halloween and I think it fundamentally changed the nature of our relationship. I think I also had a lot of trouble reverting after that. So it was two-fold: she prolly had trouble getting that image of me out of her head and I pass 100 percent when I present as female and I couldn't stop and had to go further.

But I think you're real problem in doing this would be going back after work. Ack that seems horrible. But I'm a different person and I usually have to take things to their furthest extreme. But come to think of it I kind of do this now but in the reverse. I present as male for part of my job and then as soon as I am done I present female. For me the problem is I am starting to pass to well and my ability to pass as male is diminishing exponentially.

I don't know if I will ever be able to not pass as male but it is becoming exceedingly hard and uncomfortable. The other day I was presenting male and this girl was whispering to her BF "there is no way that is a guy I swear to god it's a girl." Obviously part of that makes me happy but it's uncomfy. Aren't you worried that having Laser will effect your ability to pass as male. I feel like beard shadow is the one thing that is keeping me male. I plucked out all of my upper lip hair the other day and the difference was startling.

Then there is resentment. I know my ex said straight up if you transition I will leave you. When she actually left me all I was doing was shaving my legs, wearing light makeup and dressing andro. But IDK. I know I wanted to go on HRT and it was pissing me off that I couldn't.

But this was years ago now I am dating a guy and it's so much better in every way and the more I look female the more he likes me. So I don't have to worry about anything. Plus for mew there is something about going out with a guy that is just so exciting that just isn't there with women. So my old situation might not be synonymous because I am sure on some level my ex knew that I wasn't just some trans weirdo but also into men.

Hopefully some of my rambling makes sense cause i can identify with your situation on a very real level.