I just read a report of me, in that it is an assessment of me my life etc etc.

Basically it can be summed up as 'yes Lesley, your life is an interesting train wreck'.

Well that is how I feel I suppose.

It concluded with telling me how to go about getting the referral from my doctor to connect me with properly skilled professionals that can give me the input that will tell me all the things I need to know.

But 5 pages of my life as seen by a sympathetic, but still properly trained professional is rather a difficult thing to cope with.

It's going to be a very long day. Not feeling very great right now.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on August 02, 2013, 09:32:20 AM
I just read a report of me, in that it is an assessment of me my life etc etc.

Basically it can be summed up as 'yes Lesley, your life is an interesting train wreck'.

Well that is how I feel I suppose.

It concluded with telling me how to go about getting the referral from my doctor to connect me with properly skilled professionals that can give me the input that will tell me all the things I need to know.

But 5 pages of my life as seen by a sympathetic, but still properly trained professional is rather a difficult thing to cope with.

It's going to be a very long day. Not feeling very great right now.

This is a good thing, right? It means that you will finally begin. As for your life being a train wreck, I think a lot of people consider their's as one too. Mine is more like a nuclear power plant meltdown that a train wreck caused though.

I had a psychiatrist tell me to my face that I was too weird for him to deal with. I also had to spend a night in a mental health facility so that I wouldn't kill myself.

I do not react well to antidepressants

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on August 02, 2013, 09:32:20 AM

Basically it can be summed up as 'yes Lesley, your life is an interesting train wreck'.

But surely all along you had the best of intentions?

That's what I say anyway. My life is rather like a Harold Lloyd movie without Harold Lloyd in it.

Quote from: White Rabbit on August 02, 2013, 09:53:24 AM
I had a psychiatrist tell me to my face that I was too weird for him to deal with. I also had to spend a night in a mental health facility so that I wouldn't kill myself.

I do not react well to antidepressants

I've been told pretty much the same thing. It kind of makes me proud though because I am wierd and do try to use it to my advantage. Antidepressants do absolutely nothing to or for me other than make me gain weight.

Hi Lesley, it's hard when we are confronted with all that stuff isn't it?
I did a lot of reflection today while writing a list of things to tell the doctor next time I see him.
I remembered some unpleasant things from my youth, some unhealthy habits etc.
it made me feel very lonely and desolate.
But the good thing is that I am here now. I have made a rather successful me out of all the bad stuff. I think I am succeeding in making an even better me as well.
doesn't mean it's still not difficult to think about that stuff though.
I hope you're feeling better about it all.

Waiting on my 4th cake to finish baking. Making 5 cakes as a means of providing mom a spectacular 80th birthday for her party tomorrow.

So much of me, 5 years ago would have thought the idea of me sitting here typing from my kitchen, while baking like some idealized housewife, would have been quite crazy sounding.

Yet now I find myself day dreaming silly idiotic notions. Not walking in and finding a wife in the kitchen baking, wearing nothing but an apron and a smile, see something you like dear? I find it is me in the view, wearing nothing but an apron and a smile.

So much of my life was summarized in the report. So much of it from me having offered it up willingly, as I am not inherently a secretive person. And so much of it was ugliness I wish had never been there. I don't like a lot of my past at all. I haven't necessarily been a great person all the way through every one of my previous 51 years.

I know where here is currently, and I know where it is I want to go, but, I have not enjoyed all of the stages that got me here.

Girl,
No journey is perfect. We have all fallen, hurting ourselves and sometimes others. Stop looking back and stop looking forward.  Simply enjoy each day for what it is. 

We an use these reports to hurt us or to help us.

When I went to my new psychiatrist who had seen me 12 month before as the 'second' assessor, she asked if she could read her report to me as a starting point (I had to change psychiatrists).

She read a report in which she described an effeminate male in a mix of male and female clothing. Shy but with a strong personality. It finished with ' I consider this person to be transgendered and would benefit from HRT'.

It was several pages long, at the end she asked if I had any comments and I said 'no, except that I don't recognise that person'

She replied " I don't seem him here either, I do see a rather good looking woman who has not hint of shyness, who is obviously confident and happy and who has massively benefited form HRT'

So we are not locked into anything, we can and we do change.

We can and we do grow.

Cindy

Sigh, sadly, just about my entire life has been one involved with intensive study of the past.

Both history, human and planetary, as well as science which is usually planetary in scope.

I am just so used to being stuck in the past.

Not fixating on my own is a big challenge.

It hasn't been easy to just round file the past 51 years and decide 'I just don't need it'.

I have done things I want to remember, but, there have been moments I would be happy to forget.
But through most of it, there has been a lot of emotional pain.

The most I can hope to say to any future professionals I might interact with, is 'I might have been influenced by many things, but, I am mainly looking for a clean slate, a clean start, and I want to do it as Lesley, not some other person that isn't here any more.

I want my wife in my life, and I want her to have Lesley in hers. I want to be in a position to tell people, no she's not a lesbian even if I am, and she was married to me under the label 'wife' even if I find the term husband uncomfortable. I'd like to have the pleasure of being a Mrs too is all, even if technically not achievable in a documentation point of view. I am not walking out on any of my vows, I am merely remodeling my body to suit my needs.

And I have arrived at these choices with my wife being ok with it.

The report said many things, but, in the end, it was also talking a lot about a person that isn't really here. It was a recap of a guy that I am not.
I just need assistance getting in touch with the right people to teach me the right way to go about sorting out my remodeling properly.

Whether or not I can get a professional to accept that I am not that other person is not known to me at this time.

I am also not entirely in need of placing undue importance in how I got here. I AM here and that is really what counts to me.

The past is important.
But so is perspective and forgiveness.

Lesley, what kind of a person do you want to be? Will you forgive the mistakes of a man that is no longer here?

Things we do to our self, can be forgiven by ourselves.

Dumb ->-bleeped-<- we have done to others though, should be forgiven by them.

I have no great crimes, no great shames in my past. In fact, I could be claimed to be uniquely boring to a point.

I was a virgin on my wedding night.
I have been drunk twice in 51 years.
I have never done drugs at all.
I have no record of any sort, in fact I am so utterly clean.
Not having ever driven, I have of course a spotless driving past.
I have a single credit card that has a few bucks on it but I pay my bills in fact I am able to say I am a very good credit risk. I never pay the minimum, I usually drop a hundred bucks on my bill if at all.
I think my landlord actually likes the fact I pay in cash and always on time, since I have been here since 2006.

But life has been no bed of roses.
And there have been events I wish I could have missed.
Some moments in time, that seemed great at the time, but, as sweet as an apple is, it won't last forever and even a sweet apple can become rotten and moldy if permitted.

I want to be June Cleaver.

BTW, why would a therapist write a report on the story of your life? They must have a LOT of time on their hands.

A surgery or HRT letter would say stuff about how long they'd seen you, whether they felt that you had gender dysphoria, whether they felt that SRS was the next step for you, whether your gender dysphoria was long standing. If you have some other condition and if it is treated. if you've been living full-time (in some cases). What you identify as. Dx if he does this sort of thing.

I don't think assessing your life in some way would be really appropriate. It certainly isn't WPATH, AFAIK.

I just asked my therapist to write a top surgery letter. I don't think he'll say how fascinating he finds me. LOL.


--Jay

@aleon

The report is a reflection of my circumstances that begin back in my youth in some respects and muddle their way through my young adult years and into middle age picking up a lot of steam when I became disabled and coping with the stress on my marriage.

Being disabled and on a pension a lot of the cost of my being seen to by the various professionals has been born by my pension thankfully. In around 2003 (memory s not clear) I experienced a significant amount of marriage trouble, and that resulted in counseling which spanned a number of years and evolved from marriage counseling into relationship guidance and just coping advice.

Eventually my gender troubles arrived on the scene and it became clear the person I had been seeing was out of her skill set, so I started seeking more focused  help.

The man I have been seeing has basically summed up all the factors that have contributed to my life being where it is.
As it relates to my current circumstances.

The only thing worse than bad advice, is advice given that has not seen the entire puzzle.

But today, I am thinking of walking out on my past. I have been something of a diehard student of history both planetary and human, but, I think it is time to close out some of the obsession with some of my own. Not so much to deny it, but, to let it go. It is in the past, can't be undone, and is only a ball and chain keeping me worn out worn down and unhappy.

You should learn from history to make a better future not be consumed by the past

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on August 04, 2013, 08:05:51 AM
@aleon

The report is a reflection of my circumstances that begin back in my youth in some respects and muddle their way through my young adult years and into middle age picking up a lot of steam when I became disabled and coping with the stress on my marriage.

I totally understand why someone would have a psychiatric hx. I actually do as well. I understand taking notes as a psychiatrist or other professional. Maybe you are talking re: gaining the notes as some type of freedom of info. Maybe I read this wrong, I just don't see why you would get a report like that. I don't actually see the point, and I feel it's demeaning to get your life the way someone sees it like that.


--Jay

Quote from: White Rabbit on August 02, 2013, 09:53:24 AM
I had a psychiatrist tell me to my face that I was too weird for him to deal with. I also had to spend a night in a mental health facility so that I wouldn't kill myself.

I do not react well to antidepressants

This is actually a good thing...he knows his limits. My first therapist, after 3 months, told me I was "too badly traumatized" for her to help me...it was quite a shock, but I eventually understood.

L_R, no matter how bad of a train wreck one's life may be (and mine qualifies, believe you me), there is always a way to make it better. It won't be perfect, no life ever is, but it will get better.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on August 04, 2013, 12:09:03 PM
This is actually a good thing...he knows his limits. My first therapist, after 3 months, told me I was "too badly traumatized" for her to help me...it was quite a shock, but I eventually understood.

Perhaps but I don't think it is medically responsible to use those terms " you are too weird for me I can't deal with you" and then have him just drop me no referals nothing. It took me 3 months to get to see another psychiatrist who eventually said hmm maybe we should take you off of antidepressants. I understand what you are saying Beth I am just unhappy with how he handled the situation and that he pretty much left me out to die( my ups were crazy insane but my downs were horrible, I had trouble breathing when I hit my lows and I had to live without help for 3 months in that state. I don't know how I survived)

Yes, that was totally inappropriate.

but like I said to Lesley that was in the past it has little relevance now