I recently came out to my wife's family.  All was very nice on the first day.  Then when they saw me in my new persona, things got difficult.  On Tuesday, my mother in law called me and asked, no - insisted, that when I come to her house I dress en homme.  After I explained why I felt I couldn't do that she said she doesn't care what I do elsewhere but at her house she told me to come dressed as a man or not at all. 

Spouse, as well, has been really pressuring me to accompany her to her hairdresser's in more androgenous clothing, hiding my breasts and not wearing my wig.  So far I've refused, telling her that I would not act in any way that would cause people to think I was ashamed of myself and what I am doing.  She insists that this is a selfish attitude to take and that I should acquiesce because of all the things she's had to give up as I transition and because she has no one else who can help her get around town.

Am I being pigheaded in this?  Am I truly being selfish?  I can certainly understand and empathize with spouse's fears about me coming into a gendered space like her hairdresser's as a woman everyone knows used to be a guy.  And I feel for those who have to involuntarily transition along with me and how uncomfortable that must make them feel.  On the other hand, I feel that I would be denying who I am and giving the impression that I think I'm doing something wrong if I agreed to hide my self in that way.  Plus I don't want to set a precedent, I don't want to hear, "Well you did it for me before..." from anyone in the future.

I've been losing sleep over this.  What do I do and how can I resist this pressure to compromise who I am?

hugs & smiles
Emelye

Emelye:

If you are committed to your transition, then you cannot compromise.  Being transsexual is fatal if not treated.  It's as simple as that.  What if you had cancer but everyone just wanted you to ignore it because it made them uncomfortable to see you after chemotherapy?

If you are out, then you cannot go back.  You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube.  Fortunately, you only have to do it once.

These are strong words, Em, and I'm sorry if they aren't an easy to read.  But there are no easy answers in this.

-Sandy

Of all the things your wife and others have to give up for you their sexual identity isn't one of them. Kassandra's right there are no easy answers there are also some serious consequences if you don't deal with this issue. Not to trivialise your wife's sacrafices but I get the feeling she and maybe you just don't realize how seriuos this can be.

Hi Emelye,

  I sympathize with you. It kind of makes me queasy writing this because I'd like to be able to hand you an entirely painless solution. I just don't see one, though.
  You are right that you cannot hide yourself especially since you have officially come out. There's probably not much you can do except try to reduce the tension as much as possible.  Again, I have no specific advice for this.

  Is it possible to just drop your wife off at her hairdresser's and then come back to pick her up?  I thinking of this as a temporary situation and not a permanent one.  In the case of her mother, I just wouldn't waste my time going there. That, of course is my opinion and may not be one that you agree with.

  Do you have places to go where you can be true to yourself with or without your wife? Maybe let her know that if she wants to suffocate you, then you will only take her to those places.

  I'm not suggesting you start a fight, of course. I'm just trying to figure out how you can maybe compromise for some situations while being forceful for other situations.  Then, as time passes, just compromise less.  When I say compromise, I mean just do not accompany your wife somewhere at all. I don't mean for you to resort to behaving or looking like a male.

  Take it one day at a time. Find a safe place for yourself where you can think of other things and not dwell on this problem too much.

love,

Rebecca

Quote from: Kassandra on July 05, 2007, 09:01:34 AM
If you are committed to your transition, then you cannot compromise.

I agree, as sooner or later you won't be able to hide any longer anyway.

There is something to be said for compromising on the PACE a bit, to help people transition along with you. But people can abuse that consideration to try and STOP you as well, so it's a tricky judgement call.

~Kate~

I probably should have used a word other than 'compromise'. It wasn't the best choice, i guess.


Sorry,

Rebecca

Quote from: Emelye on July 05, 2007, 05:50:15 AM
Am I being pigheaded in this?  Am I truly being selfish?  I can certainly understand and empathize with spouse's fears about me coming into a gendered space like her hairdresser's as a woman everyone knows used to be a guy.  And I feel for those who have to involuntarily transition along with me and how uncomfortable that must make them feel. 

I've been losing sleep over this.  What do I do and how can I resist this pressure to compromise who I am? 

Emelye, it sounds as if your wife is still "embarassed" by you, and she doesn't want to be the centre of gossip and sympathy among her friends "so sorry that such a thing has happened to you" etc. 

But there is no opportunity for compromise and your wife has to learn that your transition cannot be hidden .... and you should understand that its as hard for her as it is for you ....

Of course its unfair to turn up at the hair salon unannounced, you must give your wife time to gently break the news to them, and to her other friends.

A quite similar "parallel" was my mum, she found it really difficult coping with "how to tell" her friends, her neighbours, the local Hungarian club / community, and in the end I took over most of the burden in making my own introductions as Laura; (letters to neighbours), getting the Hungarian Club chairman to read out my letter at the AGM, backing my mum up in person whenever I could, providing photos she could use when I was not there.  To begin with she was embarassed, but when she saw people were not shocked and unanimously supportive she gained confidence.  I now meet mum's friends on "girl's nights out", shopping trips, and within the Hungarian club, and I can see that she's really proud of her daughter  !

Laura x

Emelye,

I have recently come out at work.  Although things are going better than some others', I have a number of people who want me to 'go back'.  One, in particular is my best friend.  As long as she knew about my ts, she was sympathetic, understanding, as long as I was not out, and as always, my best friend.  Now that I dress female, as I should, I embarrass her to the degree that we no longer see each other on any kind of personal basis.  It breaks my heart, it really does.  But......I can't 'go back'.   I won't 'go back', and being female is something I need to have a complete, healthy sense of self.

On the home front, at first, Marcy didn't want me to be too obvious in places where we live, and in our church.  That, over short period of time has changed completely.  She loves me for who I am, and a big part of who I am, is female.  Marcy has even told me I can't go back.  She knows it could be dangerous, or at least hard on my mental health.  One concession do I make, mostly for my own sake is to wear women's slacks and a polo shirt, often pink, at church, although 1 pastor, and at least 4 members know I'm a transitioned transsexual female.  As soon as I get home, it's into women's tops, shorts, sandals, whatever.  The church concession is an easy enough thing for me to do. 

I wish I had an answer for you on how to deal with the pressure, I really do.  I wish someone could tell me.  I do pray, and that helps.  I take xanax on really bad work days, and on the way to work, I listen to 'Saffire And The Uppity Blues Women', which puts me in a great mood before facing work.   I can only say, that the pressure becomes less intense over time.

The simple, hard truth is, I have lost a dear, dear, long-time friend, and this is one of the terrible side-affects of the cure.  You keep some, you gain a few, and you lose some, sometimes ones that you love so much that you grieve, as I am now grieving.  My grieving too, will become less intense over time.

As I see it, in most cases, the options are these: 

1.)  an artificial male existense that is miserable, to one degree or another, being someone others want you to be. 

2.)  being 'part time' in order to lessen the effects G.I.D has on you.  Better that it not be 'in the closet', but out and about in the world, maybe somewhere away from where you live.

3.)  Bite the bullet, go for the cure, and be who you are, everywhere....female.

I truly hope the best for you girl, and hope you chose an option that will keep you heathy.


Bev

You can always make new friends. Those that don't or won't accept you for who your really are were not good friends to begin with regradless how close you used to be. Somebody that truly loves and cares about you isnt going to care how you dress or what you look like. Transition is the fastest way to sort out your real friends.

I just got to the point where I really don't care what they think. If they cannot deal with me then they are not worth it. I'm still the same person and I'll still be here for them. I'm not going to live my life how they want. On the flip side I'm not going to expect them to be accepting of me. If I won't change for them, I don't expect them to change for me. True friends adapt and don't care. What needs to be done will be done and you will go on.

Just realise that you will have some loss on the way. Not everybody is coming with you no matter how close you used to be.

QuoteThe only thing that would be "selfish" is if people killed themselves rather than face this head-on. Because if you killed yourself instead of dealing with this, then you deprive yourself and others the opportunity to figure things out together.

I don't agree with that statement.

I don't believe either decision is any more or less selfish than the other.

Em,

Here are the compromises that I'd make:

"If you don't want me to go with you, I'll remain behind."  "If you do not wish me to visit, then I'll not."

Unfortunately, your relationships are falling apart.  I'm sorry for you hon.  I hope that there is a chance for repair.

Cindi