Ok first off, and I am saying this at the beginning before you get bored and stop reading

If saying something outright causes you harm, then of course I am NOT suggesting you do it.... clear? So I will respond negatively to anyone suggesting I said to do so.

Communication, you get nothing when you say nothing.
Stealth, too me it is about the same as saying nothing, and like saying nothing gives back nothing.

I don't advocate stealth just for the sake of the stealth. (remember, see start of the post).

I would rather tell everyone I am a woman, and be in a position to lose a friend, lose a family member or lose a casual acquaintance over disclosure. Because let's face it, if that is how the person truly is, I'd rather KNOW it.
Stealth only means you also never meet all the people that surprise you by actually being supportive.
Because a lot of people WILL be, and you will not know.

I am a very open very communicative person inherently.
I likely have many more friends than is the norm.
But I go out of my way to meet people. Advantage if being an expressive extrovert.
If you are an introvert, you have my sympathy (whether you want it or not ).

I would rather tell everyone and find out precisely who the people are I can discard, and find all of the people that will aid me in my life, and do it sooner than later. Life is not forever why waste any of it eh.

Sure I am not always right, but, being communicative has resulted in me likely finding out a lot more than the normal person might all the same.
I tend to have better volume of results. It means I have more positive hits than most even though I might have had a few more negative responses than you might have.

But a lack of communication leaves you with nothing. Nothing as a norm in my life is not an acceptable arrangement.

I suffer from a wife that tends to be uncommunicative. I generally have to drag everything out of her. In our marriage, ALL of the problems have been a result of her not speaking up. I am not saying the problem was HER fault, but, I am saying it was usually her fault the problem remained unknown to be a problem for far too long. Not objecting is the equal of having no objection.
I am expressive, and there is never any mystery surrounding what is bothering me. It tends to make life often seem a bit too much about me, but then, if she never complains, that is generally not my fault. She has a right to be heard, but, she needs to make herself be heard.

The same goes for all of us that are transgender. If something bothers you, and you say nothing, guess what, no one will be caring. Why would we? we are not aware it bothers you.
If you are sitting in a group, and someone says something hurtful and it hurts you, and they have no clue it did, guess what, they likely will do it again.
And you will have no right to complain, as you failed to complain in the first place.

Yes, I am going to deny your right to object if you simply refuse to do so.

I am not saying to say things carelessly, but, I am telling you that a failure to communicate, is all you can expect with stealth mode on.
I worry that I might be mistaken as gay/homosexual due to my appearance. I am not worried I might be noticed as transgender.
I AM transgender, I am not gay though.
It matters to me.
I am not homophobic, but I don't wish to be seen as gay.
I am not gay.
I don't wish to mistakenly interest the gay in society.
I am ok with being openly friendly to gay issues.
I want to be seen as an openly friendly to gay issues transgender female.
I want credit for who I actually am.

And I so don't wish to be called sir or any of the rest.
I want to be invited to girl things by other girls.
I want men to realize mentioning 'the guy rules' to me is idiotic. Err guys, I am not one of you eh. And please don't expect me to enjoy being one of the guys with you.
To me, fun is sitting with the girls, chatting, maybe sitting at a knit and bitch session even if I don't knit myself.
I am not interested in hanging out by the truck talking man talk.
I don't think I even really know what man talk is. The fact I understand power tools is just possibly a bit of luck. That I was in the army and know something of firearms is ok. But, to be honest, I don't think I approach them the same way guys do all the same.
In a home invasion scenario, confronting me while I am armed, is the same as encountering a mother bear. You better fear me.
But I don't like guns. I have no desire to collect them and show them off as trophies.
I have no great need to go out and kill something with them.
I have no real urge to go hunting. I am fine hunting dinner in a supermarket.

There that has been a good demonstration of communication. You know know somethings about me.
Now some of that will do me well, it might not ring true with everyone, but, I am willing to risk the potential it has gained me a person that might not like me, for the potential it might have found me several that do.

Stealth leaves you with nothing though. You gained no enemies, and you gained no allies.

I DO urge everyone, gain the courage, tell people who you are, bravely locate all of the people that will turn away, let them go, let them know they have been discarded, and enjoy the people you will find that like you for who you really are. Enjoy them, as we all need those people. Transition is a very stressful thing. You need those people.
Stealth ensures you remain alone, isolated and likely a danger to yourself. Hopelessness is a great threat indeed.

Communication is like learning to walk. You will stumble, you will fall, and you will learn to walk.
And you will find there are people that will trip you, but others will help you stand back up.
And those helpful people, they will also protect you from people that would wish to trip you.

I agree with what you are expressing with my variance and perspective.


I deal with Sir 100 times a day or more at work I express to call me XXX and please not Sir. Today I said Sir hurts and there was a rebuttal and looks. I will keep it up.

I deal with daily gay (TG is off the radar) intolerance and I confront it.

I was told my hair was getting too long, I said I wanted it below my shoulders and I got looks.

I am in the early stages of transition and I am stealth to all but a few ( 7 people = wife, boss, HR, benefits, operation manager, special person and my therapist ). I plan to disclose publicly May 2014. I may end my 26 year career there soon after due to bigotry and my inability to cope with the stress. I hope for a surprise and seeing something truly worthy in humanity but I am not holding my breath. I will not give up. I see the face of a 7 year old child looking at me and me saying I will be true to you ( the child is me). How I come out will define the actions of others and as we do everything it must be done very well.

My wife is ashamed of me being trans and does not want me to disclose to my brother and sister (all that is left). I call my sister every night and we chat. My brother comes to the USA for 3-4 days at a time 1 or 2 times a year but I hear it second hand. I have no real interest nor he in each other and do not want to disclose to him (lots of past issues).

I am extremely introverted. I was walking with a co worker and we were discussing her parents pending divorce and the effects on her and her younger sister. Understanding and listening was in order, she is 22 ad the divorce has been in process for 8 years. I was asked about my parents and wife and I could not express myself. I would get 1/2 way into a sentence and stop. There is discomfort from conflict.

I wish I could be more like you but there are thoughts and feelings (unresolved) that stop me.

I feel for you Cynthia, a 26 year career has to be worth something in today's work world where just having work is no picnic.

I would be inclined to file that under unnecessary harm from disclosure.
But in the end, what is more important, your life or a career. Only you will know that.

I feel sad to hear about the wife. Clearly she sounds like she suffers from internal biases she likely will never surmount. My wife is in some areas a bit uncomfortable, but that is not unreasonable, as I TOO am uncomfortable in some areas, as is usually the case with something we have little experience with.

I have no words to suggest on your marriage. I can only offer hope it resolves somehow.

I have trouble relating to introverts, as it is so opposite of who I am. My wife is something of an introvert though. It takes a lot to get her to express almost anything.

Casey all I can say, is the chances are people will surprise you more than not. Family will suddenly turn on you just as easily as suddenly support you. My sister is very supportive as a whole, but, I suspect my sister will never accept calling me her sister, will never use my preferred name and will never use female manners of address. Meanwhile, my brother who I never got along well with as kids (total opposites) is still able to be labelled my 'hero' older brother all the same. When I told him, his response was better than I could have hoped for. His main concern was I did nothing to hurt myself.
I would rather give strangers the chance to be true to their real nature, I don't want practiced niceness, I want their real initial reaction. If they don't like transgender people, regardless of the reason, I want to know immediately. They can always make it up later on their own time.
And you will find that people do indeed change.

Life is change.

As I see it, one truly good supportive person is worth a 100 negative people. Because in just once good person being added, it goes from 1 vs 100, to 2 vs 100 which immediately makes it different odds entirely eh.

As for friends being inherently accepting, well yes and no. I have been a guy for so long to so many people that know me and like me, that it is hard for them to see me as anything else. It takes a bit more than longer hair, and some make up and a dress to make a person immediately look at you as a female. I think stripping naked for skinny dipping in front of friends after having the surgery and seeming to be NOT in any way male, would still make them find it hard to convert once the clothes go back on.

Meanwhile, a person changing at a local pool, and with the benefits of surgery to back them up, will not likely even get any interest from any other patron doing the same. You would just become one of so many 'less than gorgeous' looking women at that point.

There are of course limits on communication. Nothing is going to talk a person out of having conflicting body parts.