More misapprehensions here. I have these intrusive thoughts about not being able to continue at some point and some thoughts that could be transphobic  to be honest. Growing up in this society. I don't know if I accept myself as a man or a woman. I'm completely okay with crossdressing but I don't know if I want to take the next step or not. I kind of hate doctors. The idea of T and the masculine changes sound nice but I know I might not be able to afford surgery. The thing is do I want to deal with other people's transphobia? I've taken a step in a more masculine direction and I feel better. I don't feel as if I can go back to feminine comfortably. I got called ma'am more than once today and it makes me cringe. Here I am dressed in boys clothes and people still call me ma'am and it's worst when it's said in a condescending tone. Friends say in one breath that they would accept me but in another that they will never accept me as a man (at least of the biological sort). I don't know if it's sustainable. Then the worst is that I think in my head that people are thinking of me as a "silly girl" (internalized misogyny on my part most likely) for taking my time in making a decision. It's my life, my choices need to be made on my time. But facing this possibility sometimes makes me cringe though I think it's highly likely that this could be the right decision.
Anyone decide NOT to go through for interesting reasons? I'm curious to maybe find out what they could be if anyone is willing to share their story.
Or go through and go back?

I never used the term "gender binary" until recently. Right now the gender binary is getting me down, misogyny is getting me down. Indecision is getting me down and even though I've had dysphoria, I've never felt like this until recently. Why is that?

As I recall, tadpole, you identify as FtM.

Being non-op doesn't mean you haven't transitioned.  It just means that you, for whatever reasons, have not had gender corrective surgery.

As a person who identifies as bi-gendered, the question becomes, what exactly is the "right" body for me?

I have had several experiences - both transition and detransition - at this time I am at the point where I am living full time on HRT and basically I would have SRS but just cannot afford it, not sure if I will ever be able to so I just go ahead with life as I live it.

I had to accept that I could live life as who I was so I did transition and I wish I could have SRS but whatever.

Completely understandable. It's possibilities such as what you describe that are cause for my misgivings. I find your words, Jamie D, very empowering because part of it is how you identify yourself.  How you walk, talk, dress and personal identification. Whether other people understand, that's their deal. I've changed myself in ways because of other people's thoughts. At some point it might be better to decide what is best for myself and what I am comfortable with for a change. I guess right now I am still thinking for both myself and the world. At some point I will decide what is best, even though right now indecision is a big factor in my life, and it hasn't always been that way.

The right body could be just about anything for me. The right soul is different and they don't necessarily intersect for me. Maybe I truly am both genders no matter how they cut it, in body and soul. Maybe when someone comes up to you and says you are the opposite of what you feel it is no different than the previous annoyances I have had with people trying to define my sexuality. They don't necessarily know. They can guess but a lot of times the person in question knows best (me).

Only reason I am non-op is because my parents have scared me dead of "What if you regret this one day" (which I know I won't) but my minds is to open to accept that I won't regret it one day.

Hi Tadpole and all

I am biologically female, 43 years old. I feel that my soul is masculine. I class myself as bi gendered. It is so confusing because if I was male I would be a fem guy. If I could chose how I want to be then transition would be good. There are a lot of male aspects I wouldn't want. I am kind of in the middle of the gender scale..boyish woman/feminine guy..androgynous... Most days I wish I could wake up male bodied as I feel like that is who I am but for many, many reasons I prefer to stay as I am and dress more masculine. It is all incredibly confusing but I do have a crazy sense of humour and I find my situation at times rather amusing. I just wish people wouldnt see me as just female. The invisibility of the inner boy is what gets me down at times but that's the way it has to be for me.

Twice in my early 20's I experimented with transitioning. I always wanted or felt I should have been a girl. After university I had an entire lifetime, of my making, ahead of me. Unfortunately those efforts got derailed thanks in large parts to ghosts from the past. I spent most of my childhood as well as young adult hood being a target. I learned early on that "being different" was not a good thing. Spending a lifetime being different was not what I wanted. Though I gave it the ole college try, I gave up on my experiments and thus spent a lifetime trying to convince myself I was merely a CD++.

The shame, guilt, lack of self esteem and confidence that plagued me years ago no longer haunt me as they did. Once I began to truly accept myself for whoever or whatever I am (still have no clear idea!) I now feel joy being me, being in my skin, being out in the real world presenting as the real me.

BTW - GRS was never on my priority list and still isn't. Sure I wish I never was born with dangly bits but.... My lifelong dream has always been and still is to be seen as and accepted as a woman. I earned that reality after a lot of hard work and gallons of tears. Guilt for sure plus a little shame still occasionally rear their ugly heads. Self acceptance scares them away.

Hey Suits me, I could resonate with what you've said.  I don't even know if I could really handle testosterone. My anger can be pretty excessive at times and I worry about the drug causing more of that. Acne is another thing ...meh, well I guess I'd deal with that if it came along with that if it came along. I still might do the treatment but binding doesn't interest me much. If someone wanted to judge because they saw a guy with breasts that's their problem. Getting just about anyone outside of the trans community to recognize my gender identity consistently can be a problem. So it almost remains my own sometimes. There are straight men and women out there who seem to emphasize some femininity that I don't really see myself as having. I feel like they are living in some delusional world or fantasy world not me, I already see myself as looking and sounding fairly masculine as is and they try to make some femininity that is or isn't there and to them I am always a she. And I'll have some female features no matter what. But yeah, I may go further with a transition or not but I'm not likely to transform back to what some people with expectations of what beauty needs to be in a gender and are unwilling to challenge conventionality. Same goes with pronouns. If I have to surround myself with people who are more accepting for awhile or for the long term, I will.

Since I've been hanging out here and associating with more trans people than I ever have in my life it seems to me that people transition because of one or more of the following:

1) Their body dysphoria is too great to continue without some radical changes
2) They want to be seen by society as their true gender and they're willing to take the risks to do it
3) They felt they were "born in the wrong body" and will do anything to be their true gender

There may be some more but those are the predominate ones I see.

The problem for me, personally, is that I'll never have the "perfect" male body and I'm otherwise pretty happy with my life. I'll always be male inside, but the way my life has taken its twists and turns and ups and downs and given me the mindset, for lack of a better word, to deal with my situation without wanting to transition. I see that transition is a perfect option (or perhaps the only option) for some people, but I've never wanted that. I have my cozy little life carved out and am basically able to be myself regardless of what gender general society thinks I am. I sure as hell don't want to put myself through pain, medications with side effects I don't want (not to mention that I don't actually need them to live), family drama, life upheaval, etc. Screw that. I can also count on one hand the times in my life that I've had to truly "act female" (in other words, definitely look the part, wear a dress/make up, etc. etc.) so I've never been stuck in a relationship with someone who demanded I be something I'm not. I've never had a job that is biased towards female-bodied people. My parents basically raised me as male - allowing me to do whatever I chose to do as far as activities, etc. I had male clothes when I was a kid, whatever toys I wanted, and my mom rarely made me "dress up". So I think I had it pretty easy compared to some other trans people. When things got rough, it was because of my own dysphoria and my own bad decisions that made me spiral a bit out of control. Transition wouldn't have helped me then and it's definitely not going to do a damn thing for me now, so I've chosen to stay as-is.

I have no ingest in having sec with a man. And I can pass in a swim suit as is. So unless met the right person and they had a strong preference?  It sound like a lot at pain and money.

Before I made my mind up about switching my life before was of that of a gay lifestyle. I was a gay man or so I thought and did everything as gay as could be. Went to bath houses slept with tons of people I was a huge slut LOL. I also did drugs and partied wore makeup and did drag.

When I started hormones I believe I went on them for 3 months had my name legally changed and then I de transitioned. I stopped hormones went by Lan and even got a job which was hard. I must of went on and off hormones a few times before finally making up my mind. It was a huge change and a completely different life I was giving up.

But one day I sat on my bed and thought to myself if I don't transition I'm going to end up killing my self because it was just to much for me not to be really happy. Don't get me wrong I have had hard times in the past with a few suicide attempts. But in the long run I'm happy I came out on top and have come as far as I have in my transition. 

I am now depression free and medication free and so proud of my self for how far I have come. Transitioning is not for everyone it is a hell of a lot of work but it is also well worth it to be happy with who you are. At the end of the day your living your life for yourself.

From the moment I realised I really had to face the feelings of wanting to be female almost 1 year ago, I knew that HRT was an inevitability.

I am still hoping to avoid any surgeries.  I had my first ever surgery in November (a biopsy) and that confirmed that I will not be 'electing' to have any surgeries at all ever unless I feel it absolutely necessary for me to do so.

The difference in how I feel since starting HRT has been incredible.  I was reminded of it again this evening when my wife asked "Where is my husband and what did you do with him ?" again after I agreed with her on a small item which I would have argued about before.

My wife is liking the mental & emotional changes HRT has brought me, although not the physical changes.  She understands it is an all-or-nothing deal; that we can't pick & choose which effects we want.  This lets her tolerate the physical changes because the emotional & mental changes have made me quite a lot easier to live with.  But she still struggles with this.  She has said that SRS or FFS are almost certain to be way too much for her to be able to cope with.  If I wish to remain married to her, I must at least forego the surgical options.

That said, she also said at the start that she didn't think she could accept sleeping with me if I grew boobs.  But she has.

Very early on, I was told that the most I should do is the least I can tolerate doing.  Being married, my transition isn't just 'my' transition.  My wife gets to join me on this journey.  I do love her very much (we have been described as: "2 people from the same home planet who finally found each other.") and neither wish nor intend to race so fast into transition that she just cannot keep pace with me.  We both realise that I may still lose her as a spouse anyway.  That is a bridge we will consider crossing only if faced with having to do so.  For now she is coping well.  Two nights ago she even insisted that I reserve our hotel rooms for the Keystone Transgender Conference in March.

I have even been hoping to avoid social transition, which I find even scarier than surgery.  But the physical changes in my torso are suggesting that that may not be a realistic hope.  Especially once summer arrives.

Am I choosing "not to transition" ? ... Maybe ? .... I have chosen to transition as little as the dysphoria will let me.  Up to now that has meant HRT and nothing else.  I aim to continue moving slowly.  Change is scary.  I find I need time to emotionally digest each change as it arrives and cannot deal with too much at once.

Just my tuppenny-worth.

Tessa

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im non op on the bottom part, mainly because i HATE anesthesia and it just doesnt look...good.

Phallo looks pretty dang weird still, and you have to take a chunk of skin...it just doesnt suit me at all.

right now im fine with no bottom surgery, i consider myself transitioned though ha ha

Right now I don't have any plans for a full transition, and little to no desire for SRS - though I do accept that that may eventually change as I continue to explore who I am.

In general, though, I believe it is something that is up to the individual and important to decide on entirely on your own feelings. You mentioned:

QuoteI have these intrusive thoughts about not being able to continue at some point and some thoughts that could be transphobic  to be honest.

However, I personally feel that pressuring someone into transitioning if it were not something they are comfortable with is no better than pressuring someone who is on that path to hide or abandon their transition. The biggest realization that has helped my own doubts and fears about my identity is knowing that I am staying true to myself and not to what anyone else feels I should be. If that eventually means a full transition, that's the path I will take, but if not, that is also perfectly acceptable - just as long as that decision is made from within and not through fear or outside pressure.

I'm still avoiding the medical aspect. I have hardly any money for it. I don't like visiting the doctor and don't have a counselor right now, so the medical transition is being put on hold, but I hope not indefinitely. I decided that if I had a chance to get on T anyway I might try it. But for now I'm just doing what I can to live more masculinely I know that I could probably afford the T, but worry that it might not have a good affect on my body. The surgeries I can't see myself ever being able to afford unless something radically changes financially.

I chose not to transition for a long time because I wanted very badly to be healthy and normal, and I couldn't see changing my body or social identity as healthy and normal. I also had never encountered other ftm people (that I knew of) and so I thought that my wanting to transition was a bizarre secret I had to keep. I tried to transition socially a few times, but I gave that up after having a kid. Being a single parent brought such an onslaught of self-doubt and external scrutiny that even when I had time to think I wasn't able to take those kinds of risks for many years. I didn't begin transitioning until I had already lost my career, most of my chosen family, my home, my friends, etc. And I realized that I was teaching my kid that keeping up appearances was more important than being honest.

I still can't really afford what I'm doing. I got top surgery by leaning on the fact that breast cancer is very common in my blood family, so it was paid for, but my chest does not look like a cismale's chest. I got my tubes tied because doctors will do that for a 30 year old. My testosterone is about a hundred dollars per year, and I got my hormone letter from a therapist at an indigent clinic. I do want lower surgeries but I'm not sure when, if ever, I'll be able to make that happen.

I used to be afraid of testosterone. I don't like needles, I don't like hairy guys, I don't want to get fat or smelly or aggressive or anything else "manly" and I don't want to be dependent on external substances. Didn't. I'm okay with all that now. I started T and it felt natural, so I went with it. I would still prefer to be a smooth and clean twink, but I think a lot of what I wanted was the same kind of fantasy that leads women to fear curly hair or thigh gaps.

I am guessing that most of you reading this have heard the admonition that, "You should never transition unless you absolutely have to".  I suppose that is a rather unpopular idea because it removes the concept of "choice".

We all have "free will", right?  We should all have the freedom to "be our true selves".   Well, IMHO...in a perfect world, that might be true.  Unfortunately, we do not live in that perfect world and choices have consequences.  So...Choose wisely.

I'm hairier than many guys already, which is the scary thing. I also can be way too angry (with a macho bent) for a female.  The hairiness always ok. The anger problem is not good of course. I sometimes have thought that I might have more testosterone than the average female anyway. Strangely enough, not much of a sex drive. The biggest fear I have of the testostorone is that it would push my anger issue over the limit. When I was seeing the psychologist talking about gender and going to the FTM groups they seemed to think that it would be possible that it would actually decrease my anger though.

I have ptsd and some of the chaotic anger that can go with that, but my anger levels went WAY down when I started testosterone. My anger is a lot more predictable and less intense now. My general aggression did go up, but it has been consistent and not spiky, and it has been good for me. I'm less meek in social situations and better able to advocate for myself and to insist on keeping my boundaries clear. Feeling stronger and confident enough to speak up means I feel safer overall and so I'm not as likely to be pushed over the edge.