So, yes I am back sort of Sorry if I misspell anything, really tired, and posting this kind of fast.

Anyways, I have been trying to just tell myself that I am not transsexual, but that has not really worked, lots of reasons why. But, last night something random and weird caused me to think more about it.

I was at my cousin's house swimming at night(more of standing in the water since I can't swim), and they turned on the pool lights. I decided to say that the purple light was cool because it looked like the shimmering shores(had a picture on my dead laptop). My guy cousin came over and asked me "Are you like a girl in disguise?" or something like that, kind of forgot the exact words. I of course replied with silence and an embarrassed smile I don't think he saw.. though kind of wonder if I should have just said yes to see the reaction.

Also had interesting discussions with one of my other cousins who is a girl, even though I think most of them were just randomness, but still, felt more comfortable around the girls, like I usually do.

Forgot the point of this post, other than that I have decided it is impossible to choose if I am transsexual or not, and that I still have suicidal thoughts(especially when imagining my life in a few years, kind of want to have kids but know that wouldn't really work if I transitioned). Going to go to bed before I either fall asleep at the computer and have my parents discover this website, or one of my family members hear the keyboard and run in my room like usual(wish I had a lock.. or just a door that actually shuts).

It saddens me to hear you have suicidal thoughts I am hear you ever want someone to chit-chat with.

Matthew, you have time to get it figured out. When we're young we're often times impatient and want this or that and want to know what to do right now. Slow down, take some deep breaths and figure things out. Suicide is not really an option because you will never experience what you figure out. As for bearing children, getting and being pregnant and giving birth is just a small part of motherhood. Six to seven months of being uncomfortable not to mention if a woman has complications during pregnancy. Being pregnant lasts nine months but being a mother lasts a lifetime and there is always adoption. Like I said in another post of yours, there are many ciswomen that can't get pregnant but adopt and experience the motherhood aspect which to me is the most important thing about it.

"Are you like a girl in disguise?" Embarrased smile, huh? I would have said, "Duh, didn't you just hear what I said." And then guage his reaction. You could always bust out laughing and then call him a dumba** in a "gottcha" sorta' moment if his reaction wasn't good. I too was always drawn to the girls for conversation and such. A lot less stressful and way more comfortable for me. But please, if you consider doing the "S" word again call a hotline, come here or anywhere else and talk to someone until the feelings subside. I'm here for you if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or lean on.

Quote from: Jess42 on August 09, 2013, 08:11:53 AM
Matthew, you have time to get it figured out. When we're young we're often times impatient and want this or that and want to know what to do right now. Slow down, take some deep breaths and figure things out. Suicide is not really an option because you will never experience what you figure out. As for bearing children, getting and being pregnant and giving birth is just a small part of motherhood. Six to seven months of being uncomfortable not to mention if a woman has complications during pregnancy. Being pregnant lasts nine months but being a mother lasts a lifetime and there is always adoption. Like I said in another post of yours, there are many ciswomen that can't get pregnant but adopt and experience the motherhood aspect which to me is the most important thing about it.

"Are you like a girl in disguise?" Embarrased smile, huh? I would have said, "Duh, didn't you just hear what I said." And then guage his reaction. You could always bust out laughing and then call him a dumba** in a "gottcha" sorta' moment if his reaction wasn't good. I too was always drawn to the girls for conversation and such. A lot less stressful and way more comfortable for me. But please, if you consider doing the "S" word again call a hotline, come here or anywhere else and talk to someone until the feelings subside. I'm here for you if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or lean on.

Thanks, about the suicide thing, I doubt I would ever actually do that since like.. weapons scare me, and I know it would affect my family and friends badly. But, I got rid of all the weapons in my room, and avoid anything that could be used for that.

I guess if I am in that situation again(probably happens a lot and I don't notice), I will do what you said.

Please do, we can't lose anymore of our brothers and sisters.

Matthew,

Suicide is never an answer.  I understand this is difficult, but things can and will get better.  If you ever feel lost or in that zone, please contact me asap. 

As for confusion, it's okay.  Have you spoken with a therapist yet?  They may be able to help you discover yourself.

hugs to you, sounds like you know you're transsexual,please put t hose sucidal thhoughts out of your head and accept  who  you are  and go forward  with it

Quote from: matthewzguitarz on August 09, 2013, 01:05:38 AM
(especially when imagining my life in a few years, kind of want to have kids but know that wouldn't really work if I transitioned).

I got curious on this, whats your concern on having kids in transition?

Quote from: Natkat on August 09, 2013, 02:00:37 PM
I got curious on this, whats your concern on having kids in transition?

I don't know, never really thought about it, except that it would be kind of weird.

Edit: Forgot to add more things until they randomly popped into my head just now after posting this reply.

I just remembered that yesterday at walmart, I saw someone and couldn't tell if she was a girl or not, just guessing she was a girl though since eh.. she looked like a girl but also a boy at the same time but had more male facial features I think. Anyways, I thought about it, and I honestly would just like to reach that point where people can't tell what gender I am. Because, to be honest, I just hate looking in the mirror and seeing a guy, guess growing my hair out will help a bit, even though my parents will probably only let me grow it to a certain point(around my neck area).

Edit again: Just freaked out when I started to wonder if all of this is in my head. Maybe my younger brother is right, and I am just insane weird since everything before Christmas is kind of just a blur. I don't want to grow up to be like my sister