While on a long stretch of driving the other day, the phone rang and I had to answer it for my mother. It was the endocrinologist, following up on the fact that I have cysts in body parts I shouldn't even have. She automatically assumed it was my mother and seemingly ignored my feeble attempts to correct her, so I had to sit there and be misgendered while answering questions about my "daughter" that made me cringe hard. Pissed me off to no end.
Then there's the spam from colleges in the mailbox, addressed to a "Ms. Birth Name". Eww, no. And I'm working on a project with friends to whom I'm stealth, though I wanted an opinion on some programs we were looking at. Had to go by my birth name to the person I spoke to over the phone, and I'm sure he knows me as a girl now, because he's a friend of my dad's. He invited me to bring my friends along to a workshop he's holding and even wants to help put us in touch with people. I can't bring myself to face him as a girl, the idea makes me sick, yet I can't let my team down by passing up an opportunity like this. I feel so selfish.
And then today, the doctor felt the need to tell me what a "brave girl" I am. I would have walked out of the room if not for the gigantic needle he had placed in the capsule of my hip joint. Seriously, no. Bad enough that the computerized system feels the need to make the part of the screen with my info on it pink and put a generic girl avatar on my file.
Went home and checked my e-mails, colleges keep saying they've already "helped" fill out my form. I got angry and changed the boxes on every one to male before closing them all without submitting anything. My blood was boiling from that.
Tomorrow I have a birthday party for a friend whom I haven't seen in a long while. I'm not out to her but it'll be obvious that something is up because I very clearly look male. It's a semi-formal occasion and I hope my mother doesn't make me pick out girl shoes to go with the male/andro outfit I somehow fashioned out of female clothes, because I want to tell her and feel confident in myself, not embarrassed of my attire. I know she'll be nothing but nice about it, and I'm confident in my identity, but it doesn't change the fact that I haven't said anything since first being invited because I'm terrified of coming out again...just the way I'm terrified of coming out to my teachers for fear of my mother unleashing her wrath down upon my head. But I can't go another school year being called "she" and "her" and "miss" and "ma'am" and "young lady", it's not ok. It's not ok for the MRI technician to keep asking me about a bra, either- he knows me by name now (sad, I know) and still doesn't understand that I DON'T WEAR A FREAKING BRA. Of course there's no metal in something that doesn't exist! It's there every step of the way to make me panic and feel horrible about myself, and hopeless. I want to leave my past behind completely and the splitting of my life between stealth, out (small quantitiy) and not out yet (handful of people I haven't seen in a while, doctors, rest of my family) and rejected (parents) situations has given me practice on making sure one group doesn't find anything out from another.
Every time I see parents supporting their transkid, it makes me joyful for them and yet ignites an uncomfortable fire inside me knowing that I could be transitioning medically now, wearing a real binder instead of living in fear of my parents finding my makeshift one with many layers, going on my way to top surgery. The therapy place I go to makes a psych appointment routine protocol, and I am female in the system though my therapist knows I'm trans. The report from the first psychiatrist referred to me in all female pronouns, saying "she believes that she should have been born a boy".
Oh yes, I know the feeling all too well.
