Hey all , Maka here with a curious question that I'm sure we've all heard or thought about before.

I've heard this is often asked by therapists, and I was curious to see what all of your different answers were.
So, to you, what does it mean to be a woman? And what does it mean to be trans?
If someone were to ask you what it is that makes you these things, what would you say back?

Thanks again! 

With Passion, Maka

Definitions are the curse of therapy.

I know.

In my first sessions that sort of question threw me because it made no sense to me.

I'm not trans anything. Something can be trans Atlantic, transmogrified whatever, but I'm not trans gender, sex anything. I identify gender wise as female. The simple reason being I am. I need to offer no other explanation. When I finally understood the question I told them it was a stupid question.

It sounds like a trick question. I wouldn't answer it. That's how I would respond. But then again I don't go to a therpaist and if one had the balls to tell me I am not trans I would laugh in their face. I know exactly who I am. Then I would say you tell me what it is to be a woman or man, and no platitudes.

However,I can tell you what being trans feels like: it feels like your own body has betrayed you and that something went terribly wrong once upon a time and that all you can do is deal with it. Of course, after I turned 12 or so and saw a program on transsexuals and could finally put a word to my feelings instead of thinking vague things about being XXY or something else but never having enough info to understand why I was so alone. So I think there is a def loneliness component to being trans, at least for those trans women who have known about their condition forever.

Being a woman is harder to answer if you have only been on HRT for about six months like me. I don't think there is one specific "feel like a woman" or other easy answer. But really I like Cindy's answer I am female not trans female. Well I guess I am trans female but I prefer to leave the modifier off. I know this one girl I know idetifies as trans and I was like "you don't identify as a woman?" And she was like no. So I don't know. If I had to answer in order to get hormones I would sayto me a woman is a sweet, sensitive person who cares deeply about other people and wants to make the world a better place for everyone. But why can't a man be that? So these questions are just tricky.

I am going a bit rude here but if that is a male therapist, who is asking this question (what it means to be a woman), You would rather reply with a counterquestion "And what do You think? And who You are to judge my replies against Your own way of thinking, which is, pardon me, male? And even if I answered this, most of that would make no sense to You anyway, because You are, like I said, male".
I got this one asked by my therapist and was still inexperienced and naive then - now I am much more confident in myself and I wont allow some random guy to trample with his ideas "what being a woman means" on my sweet and emotional replies.
Yeah

There is no right or wrong way to answer this question. Every woman is unique and her view of what it means to be herself is going to be different.
Now what it means to me is I'm a kind compassionate person who wants to make everybody around her feel better about themselves. I'm a woman who wants to aways help and be there for her family and friends.
As far as what it means to be trans it just means I'm changing from a person that hated herself and the world to a woman that loves herself and wants to make the world a better place than it was before she was born. 

Slippery slope. And I really dislike labels.

For the being a woman question: it means simply being me.

For the trans question: being born in a body that doesn't match my brain's gender.

Keep your answer short, straight, and to the point... especially with therapists. Don't embellish. Just answer the questions as directly as possible.

Definitely no right or wrong. They want to see how you think and perceive yourself, the world, and your place in it.

If someone asked me that question about begin a woman I would give them a face like this
:/ :S
And would describe my day in tedious detail
wake up get dressed talk with my flatmate Caroline about her party later. Ride my bike to my mums house, Dredging the pond for her and pulling out the weeds she gives me home grown vegetables I Shower, Riding into town, I Buy strawberries, A creepy man in line gropes my shoulder sniffs my hair then says "Your sexy, I wanna F you." I run away, visit my old work friends at the store I used to work at, They complain because the two men who work there have bunked off work and they are short staffed I help out with tidying the store I tell them what happened to me, We all agree that men are the ->-bleeped-<- half of the species. They offer to buy me a drink but I'm already going to Caroline's party, I ride home eat my strawberries, goto party, try to chat with Caroline but I can't hear anything I dance abit an Army guy and his "Wingman" hit on me and Caroline, I think he's a twit and a blowhard and am not at all interested, I Get bored, go home, Read Webcomics, goto bed.

That's what it is to be a twenty-something woman on a Saturday.

As for what it is to be Trans I guess I would give her the quick summary of the Dysphoria wars, How it felt like my body was rotting and I was stuck inside it. Self harm to wash away the ache, Starvation to break my puberty, Plucking my facial hairs one by one, Attacking my genitals, Attempting suicide, FUN TIMES!!!

Quote from: Makalii on August 10, 2013, 12:16:58 PM
So, to you, what does it mean to be a woman?

Interesting question!

A simple fact is that a woman can be a mother or a wife. No trans can be a biological mother. Very few trans can be a mother. A lot of trans are not wife.

To me, it can mean having sex as a woman or presenting myself as a woman. Performing woman in public has been as much thrilling as acrobatics, especially when wearing 5-inch high heel sandals.

barbie~~

Quote from: Cindy on August 10, 2013, 12:35:44 PMI told them it was a stupid question.

Yep, pretty much what Cindy said. I think those would be the entirely most clueless questions I had ever been asked.

Rosie.

I personally don't see it as a stupid question as long as it is geared for introspection and not just judgement. Transitioning is a big step especially HRT and SRS and I think it's natural for a therapist to help the client explore their personal identity.

IMO, gender is more complicated than merely the structures in our brain that make us cis- or transgender. Gender also involves how you see yourself, how people treat you, how you present yourself, and yes, your physical body.

That's why I see myself as becoming a woman, rather than having been a woman all along in a male body.

What does it mean to be trans?

That's much, much easier:

We all have a structure in our brains that tells us what gender our brain expects us to be. For most of us, that gender matches our physical sex. For transgender people, it does not.

Quote from: Rosa on August 10, 2013, 03:21:41 PM
I personally don't see it as a stupid question as long as it is geared for introspection and not just judgement. Transitioning is a big step especially HRT and SRS and I think it's natural for a therapist to help the client explore their personal identity.

Agree totally with the above. I don't see it as a stupid question either as you can't just say 'I identify genderwise as female" and not have some idea what that actually means to you. If you stay at that level it is a totally empty answer unless of course saying someone is "female" is considered a sufficiently self supporting reply. However to buy into that, you would have to accept that all people whose gender is categorized as female (we are by the way talking about categorizations here) are identical which, I think/hope we all agree doesn't hold water. At minimum, most of us seem to think that identifying as female brings some requirements such as having long hair, not having a beard, having soft skin,  breasts etc etc. My instinct tells me that for each one of us there are lots of other associations too and while those associations may be no one's  business but our own, just reading the posts on this forum provides enough material to write up a whole list of them.

I can however understand that there might be some defensiveness about getting into an exchange with a therapist on this subject, especially if that person is in a gatekeeper role. In such a case, there will always be a legitimate fear that "anything you say may be held in evidence against you". 

In my own case, where I have a therapist who is in a support role who with  no gatekeeping function I had no difficulty discussing the subject and some of the things I associate with being a woman are written up in a text I posted here back in April.  For me it was a very useful exercice as it helped me to understand both why I felt the need to transition and my vision of what a successful transition would look like.

My two cents worth and those who are paid up subscribers can find my answer to the question here:  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,139296.msg1126367.html#msg1126367

It's in the "only for us" section because for me it is a very personal subject and I don't want people who are just anyone looking at this site to be able to see it.

Hugs.
Donna





   

The question, it might be stupid, it might not be stupid, but, it is likely unanswerable.

How the hell should I know? I have always been me, they might as well ask me what it is to be me.

I'd be inclined to ask a guy if asked by a guy, 'how do you know you are a guy?'. No really, why can't he be a woman and just unaware he isn't a man?.

I have never been a dog or a cat or a martian. I've been a human for 51 years though, I think I am quite knowledgeable there. I've been a spouse for decades, and a parent.

But asking me what it means to be a woman? What's the point of asking a question with no wrong answer?

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on August 11, 2013, 12:23:40 PM
The question, it might be stupid, it might not be stupid, but, it is likely unanswerable.

How the hell should I know? I have always been me, they might as well ask me what it is to be me.

I'd be inclined to ask a guy if asked by a guy, 'how do you know you are a guy?'. No really, why can't he be a woman and just unaware he isn't a man?.

I have never been a dog or a cat or a martian. I've been a human for 51 years though, I think I am quite knowledgeable there. I've been a spouse for decades, and a parent.

But asking me what it means to be a woman? What's the point of asking a question with no wrong answer?

Lesley,
The question asked was what "being a woman" MEANT to you ie. what images come to your mind when you think about being a woman. I really find it pretty well impossible to believe that we haven't all given some thought to this subject one day or another. Even when living as a man I had given thought to the subject of what "being a man" meant ie. the representations that went with those words.

I also agree that there is no wrong answer which is why I am suprised that there is so much defensiveness when this subject, which could easily be discussed over a meal or a drink with friends, comes up. It is actually a very simple and straightforward question and, to use your own example, if I asked you what you associated with being a dog or a cat, plenty of images would also come  to your mind. eg. dogs are faithful, playful, dependable, noisy, dirty.... cats are sensual, cute, clean, independent, sneaky...

Take care.
Donna

Being a woman, being allowed to be all the things that being a man isn't

Sadly some things I will not have the pleasure of. Time and some other details, well they are sort of locked out for me.

Being trans means being assigned the wrong sex at birth, I suppose.  Being a woman is a lot fuzzier.   Women come in all shapes and sizes.  I don't think there is a single trait that all women share that no man also shares.  There really isn't an answer for that question.  Unless your therapist is an idiot, he/she isn't looking for a right answer, but just trying to get you to think.

Remember any decent therapist who asks a question like this is not looking for the "right" answer. They're looking for YOUR answer. My advice would be to use it as an oppurtunity to reflect. Then answer it as personally and truthfully you can.

Quote from: iiii on August 11, 2013, 01:42:50 PM
Woman = appearance has more female secondary sex characteristics than male ones, and thus automatically register as female by strangers, and that's about it.
trans = being unhappy with ones birth sex, and having a desire to change it.

oh please no - this definition only goes by external appearances and defines a womon by the outside

to me a womon is self declared - gender is internal - it is what is in your mind being a womon is what defines you and your life many early trans men can be mistaken as womyn and they would certainly object to you definition as being womyn. womyn are whatever they choose to be in their lives.


I can certainly go along with your definition of trans though very succinct.

I know this much, I am a W O M A N.

I am not saying a person can't use womyn, but it comes off sounding like the person has personal internal issues. Almost sounds like me, but I accept that I suffer from overt mysandry.

Too many years of linguistics I suppose. I know the history of the word.

Now if you really want to get upset, try reading the history of wife and husband

To be a woman is simply to be me. I know of no other way to describe it.

As far as being 'trans', many years ago (1974/75, post-op) I was working with a hospital which was establishing a "gender clinic". They asked me to submit some questions that would help them sort out which patients are transsexual and which have other 'conditions'. The best one I came up with was:

"If you were going to live the rest of your life on a deserted island and never see another human being, would you still want to go through the expense and pain of surgery?"

I suggested an emphatic "Yes!"  was an indication of a transsexual (or at least Type VI by the Benjamin scale) because it isn't about the world, it isn't about society, it is about a person's own mind and body.