I was bullied for a good portion of my childhood.  I was beaten up, mocked, hated for who I was, and it was all very hard.  The worst memory I have is having my face thrown in a urinal by a bunch of bigots who didn't like me for who I was.  But the thing that gets me the most is that these people are so irrelevant.  Most bullies are nobodies and don't deserve to destroy your life despite the difficulties they create for it.  I have learned to see that and move past it all.   Having sad that, I have finally encountered a new kind of bully.  One I didn't think was possible.  The bully who was someone you loved, respected, admired, and cared deeply for.  The bully who isn't irrelevant.  The one who means the most to you in life, but tears down your entire well being and happiness.  The one who you love and care deeply about who comes to you and lets you know that you are an embarrassment, loser,  shameful, disgusting,  warped person.  Looking at my pasts bullies and all of their physical and emotional abuse, they can't even compare to the damage done from the sleeper agent in your heart.  Its very difficult.  Sort of a rant, so please do try to give advice or comforting words.  Though I do have a question: do any of you have bullies like this in your life?

Thank you.

Additonal questions. Did these bullies ever come around and stop the abuse?  Did they ever feel bad for what they say or the insults they throw out you?  And did they start to care about you again as you do for them?

Thanks.

Yes, and they are tough to silence. I'm still trying to do triage to myself, can't work with them just yet.

I like your term "sleeper agent." That is just what they are. So sorry you have them, that anyone has them.

*hugs*

I was bullied relentlessly for years. Even though I've long since been separated from them, I'm yet to fully heal the damage they did. I suspect a lot of my poor opinion of myself as well as my fear of other people is rooted in having internalized the abuse I took. Over ten years later, I'm yet to root it all out. Even now, whenever someone treats me maliciously, I find myself not merely hurting from what they did, but aching from the aftershocks of a lifetime's worth of abuse. I have a deep well of buried hurt and rage from adolescence, and when it's tapped into, I respond with a level of rage that seems to exceed the abuse that triggered it. I've had bullies at work tap into that and it scares me. I hate it.
Moreover, I have that little voice that says I'm a pathetic excuse for a person, and it does an exceedingly good job arguing against all my good traits. No matter what I say or do, it's there to cut me down. In a sense, I have trouble building any sort of self esteem because I am in complete disbelief at my own worth. I can tell myself I'm competent and likable, but I simply don't believe it.

On a positive note, since going back to school, I've had several of my peers shower me with complements, and even ask for my presence at events, both social and academic. While this hasn't erased the damage done in the past, this is helping to heal me, as it provides objective proof that what that sleeper agent says is bull----.

It saddens me to hear someone close to you is actually bulling you. I definitely understand as I have been in a similar situation; having someone close to me but then having them suddenly hurt me.

At the moment I don't have any bullies. I have had them though  .

The only people that I remember bullying me (aside from some teasing) were my family, friends, and significant others. My mother stopped because she knows I'll kick her back out of my life in a heartbeat if she starts again. Everyone else stopped because I kicked them out of my life. They have not apologized, shown any remorse, or even shown any sign that what they did was wrong. Well, except for my mother, but she'd say empty words and then turn around and do it all over again. She claims to care about me, but I can no longer care about her.