I've been full time over a year, hormones 2 years, FFS 6 months ago. I'm rather tall but apparently I pass.

When I get very depressed my desire to transition diminishes, my Dysphoria seems to lessen and honestly I couldn't care less what my gender is.

Wondering if this is normal? I'm wondering if perhaps I'm "less trans" (for want of a better term) and moving toward SRS early next year the depression linked indifference concerns me.


Since this is anonymous I'll be completely honest. I kind of feel like suicide is an eventual certainty. I feel like when there are less people around to miss me (parents and ex are deceased) I'll just kind of end it. I bumble around from day to day wishing the time away because really I gave up on life years ago. 

I can only recommend you work on helping yourself feel better about yourself since medical transition isn't going to magically make other life problems go away. Life isn't going to change simply because you've "gave up" on life (letting depression win).

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

Hi hon, welcome to Susan's Place! Here is a link to some suicide hotlines. If you feel overwhelmed, call them for help. We need you around! Hugs, Devlyn

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112672.0.html

Oh suicide, that sweet temptress that would make all problems go away. She is so seductive, beckoning us to give in to the dark side that is all too common in people like us. I cannot offer advice as she whispers my name on an almost daily basis. I just realize that if I give in to her I abandon all those things that I hold dear. I have two children that I pride myself with the knowledge that I have stopped the circle of violence and toxicity that my parents gave me. If I let her win, I let my parents win. I just can't bring myself to allow that. I am a good soul, a good person, and a good woman. You should know that you are too. Most of us hear that bitches voice at one time or another, don't give in to her lies. It won't make the problems go away, it will only change who suffers. Someone you love, or loves you would be forced to live with the realization that you chose 'her' over them. They would wonder for the rest of their life if they could have done something more for you, you wouldn't have given up on them and yourself. Be courageous for one more day and you will see that life is worth living. If you can't see it for yourself, see it for the rest of us. Any time one of us gives in, the rest of us are less for that loss.

I wish you all the courage to make it through this difficult time, for it to will pass if you let it.
Major hugs,
Christy

 You  can't give up like  some  transpeople  have. we know it is not easy.
Does transitioning have a positive side for you?. What does your gender counselor say about the depression ? What about talking to a non gender shrink. SRS will not make these problems go away.
why not join a transgender group there are plenty out there. Isolation is very bad.  I would make sure your gender counselor is not promoting transitioning as a cure all.  do the hormones make you happier or do they make things worse.
I think you  have the milder case but still GD. some GD is much worse, some are so uncomfortable in the birth gender that transitioning is a medical necessity but that is very rare.
GD is the worse thing  that can happen to a male. There are no easy answers.
Please try not to off yourself.

Quote from: ChristyB on August 11, 2013, 09:03:18 PM
Oh suicide, that sweet temptress that would make all problems go away. She is so seductive, beckoning us to give in to the dark side that is all too common in people like us. I cannot offer advice as she whispers my name on an almost daily basis. I just realize that if I give in to her I abandon all those things that I hold dear. I have two children that I pride myself with the knowledge that I have stopped the circle of violence and toxicity that my parents gave me. If I let her win, I let my parents win. I just can't bring myself to allow that. I am a good soul, a good person, and a good woman. You should know that you are too. Most of us hear that bitches voice at one time or another, don't give in to her lies. It won't make the problems go away, it will only change who suffers. Someone you love, or loves you would be forced to live with the realization that you chose 'her' over them. They would wonder for the rest of their life if they could have done something more for you, you wouldn't have given up on them and yourself. Be courageous for one more day and you will see that life is worth living. If you can't see it for yourself, see it for the rest of us. Any time one of us gives in, the rest of us are less for that loss.

I wish you all the courage to make it through this difficult time, for it to will pass if you let it.
Major hugs,
Christy

Well said and it all true.
I was standing on the doorway to hell and fought my way back through the fears. There is happiness in all our futures if we wish to do things for us over others.

Thanks for giving us this post.
Izzy

Suicide isn't painless. It's mean, selfish, and hurts those that love you. AND people do love you. Depression is always a medical condition that can be helped with therapy or medication. Medication works faster. All you need do is pick up the phone and make the appointment. Kinda like what you did when you decided to start HRT. :-)

Love you

Quote from: iiii on August 12, 2013, 02:41:09 PM
It's not selfish... People who deem suicide as selfish, are the ones that are selfish, as their only concern is how difficult it'll be for them. You don't kill yourself for fun, nobody wants to die if it's avoidable, but sometimes it's unavoidable.
I don't think you'd say that somebody is selfish for dying from a terminal physical illness, suicide is not much different.

It is selfish. My first BF killed himself and so did my uncle. One my BF killed himself  went into a tailspin. I prolly woulda transitioned long ago and not at 30 if this had not have happened. It destroyed me. Have you known anyone that has done it? And I don't mean some friend from high school I mean someone you loved. If you have a terminal illness it is one thing but because you are depressed, when there is help you can get, is cowardice and weak and selfish. Both these vents have filled me with a terrible emotion: hate. I think about my friend/BF, whatever, all the time and it breaks my heart. In some ways my heart is forever broken and can never be put back together. It sometimes feels like someone has cut out my heart. Now I'm crying.

That being said OP, you can get help and stay strong. Life will get better. But you have to make it better.

I'm also a depressive. And when my depression get to that point, I also find myself wondering if being male or female is really a relevant  question. We tend to be very introspective and try to find meaning in almost meaningless daily events. Yeah, I hear you my sister.
There is no gold standard of being trans...nothing to measure up to. You just are who you are...no one can take that away from you. Just be yourself, whomever that is. We have the benefit of becoming who we aspire to be.
Working in health care, I've seen my share of death and dying. There is so much pain and loss.
Hang in there sister, one day at a time. And sometimes, one moment at a time.
You are not alone.
Gwyn

Quote from: anonymity on August 11, 2013, 08:05:48 PM
When I get very depressed my desire to transition diminishes, my Dysphoria seems to lessen and honestly I couldn't care less what my gender is.

I have been keeping track of where I am on wanting to transition for the past month or so and the only times I actively don't want to transition is when I am terribly depressed. Most times that I feel neutral towards transitioning is either I am low balling my feelings or I figure it's going to happen anyways so why worry about it.

I ask you when you are depressed how do you feel about having a vagina and breasts ?