I think this introduction will be alot less messy,since i have become more comfortable.Though i hate being the center of attention *mumbles then laughs*.
Anyway,A small background on
me.My name is Christian and im 37 years old and was born in a very religious *liberal* family.I spent most of my life (since birth and until i was way over 18) sheltered from the world and many things in
it.To give an example of just how shelted i was-i had an innocent child like mind,so anything and everything was seen as innocent and pure to me.This even includes when my V was taken.Though a man had gotten me drunk then took it,i was in that *whats he doing? is this good? am i doing ok?* so the idea of *fighting back* was not an option for me (let alone being drunk) i spent most of my life like
this.My family was very pushy with many of their *anti* stuff and out of pressure,i tried to be the *perfect* birth gender,for them and everyone around me but at the same time,suffering inside and not knowing why.I spent most of my life in the deepest,darkest parts of hell but with a blinded eye and
mind.So i wasnt allowed to *dress,talk,be friends with,be around,listen to,talk about,do* ANYTHING that they didnt like and that was pretty much everything.Unlike many today,i didnt get the chance to express who i really was and was very much discouraged from it.i was molded by force per say and i followed suit in order to please everyone (and aside the fact that i didnt know what i was feeling anyway) but no matter how hard i tried,i was never good enough in the eyes of my family or those around
me.My brother was the highly favored and in
everything.My father had taken 6000 dollors that was saved for me from my grandma and gave it to my brother,he gave my brother a *new* car and i had to pull teeth just for a crappy used one (while he complained the entire time) i was pushed away and for reasons i didnt know why.Aside from all forms of abuse during my life,i couldnt understand why people looked at me the way they
did.As if i was in this 3rd dimension and just couldnt be reached.From birth and until i found who i really was,my life was a dead corpse rotting slowly and nothing could revive it (aka complete waste and worth nothing).And those who walked around that corpse either spit on it or seen no reason to try and walked away.I went through a stage of thinking i was a lesbian and i knew in my heart that wasnt the case (this was even before i knew GID or term transgender existed) i was in my late 20's by this time.Even though it had its share of pain,it was a movement of that *corpse* for me.I knew then where i belonged and i needed answers.We split though and my life continued to go down hill,as if a small glance of my true self faded and i went back to
decaying.Like many,i turned to addiction,self mutilation and other ways of expressing that empty hole inside.An entire life time of confusion,being sheltered and a shallow image,started to take its toll.I seriously needed to know but i guess the pain made me stronger.I spent 100% of my time in complete and sever depression,which later i was told it was *major depressive disorder* over time,i gained also sever anxiety disorder,sever social anxiety,agoraphobia and the panic attacks became almost life threatening.a life time of such toll and such treatment of me,had caused me to lose all trust in self and others.I couldnt be around any form of negative actions/speaking.I would nearly stop breathing and collapse onto the floor from lack of oxygen.literally having to drag myself out of the room (if i didnt pass out) or i
would.As someone who was always selfless,i held everything in and brewed within my own heart and mind *whats wrong with me? why do i feel the way i do? why are people constantly treating me like crap?* and never wanting to hurt anyone but because i did,the toll became even more sever.I happened to stumble across a video sometime after i turned 30.The video was based on having GID and being transgender and it was like a huge burden was take off my chest and shoulders.Almost like a light came on in that deep,dark hell.(thought i havent went into alot of personal experiences) i knew that it explained everything,even peoples reactions to me.I became 100% confident at that time,my point of view and everything changed.But the anxiety slowly turned to rage attacks as the mistreatment continued by my family and
peers.It went into defence mode now instead of fear mode.I was still holding so much in,because of fear now over coming out,getting help and losing everything.But in the end,it became a psychotic rage.Completely becoming someone else and blacking out,intending to do sever harm to those and everything around me.i became afraid of myself and realized *i refuse to keep bottling up everything,i have to start standing up for myself or ill break* so i did.
I came out to my family and friends over a year ago.i lost my family and some friends but i still have some support and good friends.i am currently *still* in the process of seeing who i need to in order to complete the process.i will be getting on anti-anxiety meds soon and that will be a big help.But to end this one a good note,even with losing what i have,i have gained SO much more.peace of mind,release from the constant struggle of life and not knowing.That sever depressive disorder disappeared completely and even though i do *get* depressed when im hurting,i dont live with it 24/7 and it instantly passes.I have become a better person through it all and i think that,had i knew long before-i wouldnt have the wisdom i do
now.To everyone out there,NEVER hold it in! let it out and stand up for yourself.
I am very eager to start completely over.a 2nd chance to do over again and a chance to finally make my life worth living,give this dead corpse new life and let the walkers disappear into the distance.
