something I have noticed as i question the living daylight out of myself, are tehse instances of random revelation.

for instance, I'll be sitting here minding my own business ont he internet or whatever then randomly a thought will enter my brain of a thing i used to do when iwas little or a couple years ago, something i never thought of to be a big deal but now i realize those were things that would try to make me more masculine or something rans like.

like for instance when i was 13 ish, and i started to develop I would hide my tiny tiny boobs under anything i could. and from that point i never let even my family see me topless. i still don't.

or two years ago i was binding under two sports bras in school as an everyday thing, not thinking anything of it but i felt comfortable...

or when i was 4 and i tried to stand and pee with my boy friends and it didn't quite work out.

just random little flashbacks to things i did that sort of i don't know confirm my long term dysphoria. and it kind of feels nice. because lately i've been feeling like im trying to convince myself that all this is just  aphase and that i've only been feeling this way for a short while and ill get over it. but now i realize this has been going on for a long time. it's just a matter of remembering.


anyone else wnna share what sort of things they have had as far as revelations or past memories randomly popping up that made you feel more sure about this? or am i alone in this XD

Oh, I have lots of these!

As a kid, I used to joke that my brother and I had our genders swapped at birth, because I never really felt like a girl-- my brother was more interested in dolls and dresses and fashion than I was. Turns out I was half right. I AM a guy, but my brother grew out of  wearing dresses when he discovered men's fashion.

In middle school, I went from being part fish to refusing to swim, because I hated wearing a swimsuit so much. My saving grace was the discovery of rash guards, which allowed me to only feel slightly self-concious instead of utterly mortified while swimming.

Later on, a year or so before I came out as trans, I started wearing skirts all over the place, under the impression that I was being ~radical~ and ~flamboyant~... and was then very disappointed when the only response I got was "oh, you look so pretty!" It later occured to me that in my mind I was dressing in drag, and in everyone else's minds I was finally acting like a girl. Once that disappointing reality dawned on me, I went back to looking like a boyscout and came out as trans shortly thereafter.

Oh! my!. Lately i have been thinking and remembering stuff, i even remember at what age it started...or i remember feeling different,

When I was 7 years old,at my school we used to play the tea house and i wanted to be the dad,but the other boy didn't want to,and we ended up with two l0l. But when i was transferred to another school i felt really disappointed when the teacher told us that the girls would have ballet instead of sports,the boys had all the jumping and running at PE...That made me feel so bad,after that i started to try and be more boyish,i love dressing with girly clothes that made me look more like a "guy",i played with my brother's toys and really never actually liked dolls or anything like that,i only liked stuffed animals like cats and dogs,hated teddy bears .

then,later at 13 I started noticing how awful i felt on dresses and other stuff like skirts or skinny clothing,i didn't like those since small,i complained in my mind as to why boys get to wear awesome stuff and i had to be stuck on a pretty frilly dress.

As time passed i felt more and more like a boy. I remember when girls start to undress in front of me,or they asked the guys to come out,i started to leave XD.

It just,felt so awkward,a guy in between all these girls getting naked .

I still have to think back,and it makes me feel more secure that the real me has always been there.

I can barely remember anything from when I was at primary school, but almost the only thing which has really stuck with me was hearing my best friend at the time telling the teacher about her cousin who'd "had a sex change to be a boy."  I never forgot her saying that, or how awkward and uncomfortable it made me feel, or the sympathy the teacher had for him.  It was very tempting to go and come out to her when I worked things out even though I'd not seen her for probably about 7 years at the time.

I've just remembered something else from primary school, when I thought fetuses grew in stomachs, that life would be so much better if you got to choose whether you were a boy or a girl by pulling a lever made out of broccoli.   And of course, I would have chosen to be a boy.  Pretty much until I realised that I was trans and became too scared that people would work it out, when I got asked if I would "have a sex change" (which happened a lot) I told them I wouldn't, because I didn't know it was something normal people could want, or that you didn't have to know since you could walk to be trans, but that if I had the choice I would be born again male.

When things started to grow up there I always looked in my grandparents' big bathroom mirror at the weekend, our mirror was too high up, and stretched my arms out to the sides to prove that I wasn't growing anything there.  The thought that I might actually be growing was so alien to me that I convinced myself that I must have cancer or something, because that made more sense to me.  I remember spending a lot of time crying in there.  I have no idea how I didn't twig I was trans then.  I refused to wear a bra or shave until over a whole year since I went through puberty because I kept putting off having to accept what I was.

And then there's all the family photos of me on holiday, and whenever there was an opportunity, I was topless.  And then, when I was a bit older, and probably on the verge of being unacceptable, I wore trunks and nothing on the top, and wouldn't until my nipples were raw, and oozing green puss where they'd been scraped over and over again on the edge of the swimming pool when I was climbing out.  Being topless has always been a manly thing for me, and still is.  I can't wait until its acceptable for me to do it in public again.

Gosh I could probably write pages about this.

-I remember in 5th grade I told my sister on the while while I was laying on the bed that I hated being born a girl and that one day I will get surgery to make me into a boy.  This was before I knew this was possibile. 

-I remember one time saying to myself in relation to my private parts "Hmmm if I would just move this little thing up some more (referring to my clitorous), then it could look like a small wee wee I could pee out of (at the time I thought that's where I peed out of lol) and then these two things down here (labia majoria could be like my balls."  I was referring to a metoidioplasty without me even knowing it!  How cool is that? lol

-I went to my parents and told them how much I hated them for making me a girl.  My mom just blew it off and said "well, you're a girl" like there's nothing I could do about it.  Boy was she so wrong.  My father just ignored me.

-I would take a bathroom fish toy, fill up the hole with water, put it in my pants and pretended like I peed in the toilet standing up.  I tried to show ever one that I could do that, especially my dad, but they ignored me.  I really wish they would have paid attention to the signs more.

-I would cringe when my mother would tell me to wash my private parts (instead she used a more vulgar word) and demonstrate how I should be washing it.  Gosh that shot my dysphoria up SO much.

-My first serious girlfriend that I had treated me like a man and it made me feel so happy and on top of the world.


A few of these were taken from my thread in my blog called "Realizing that I'm trans" where I basically go over a lot of this, except in more graphic detail  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,123513.0.html



-I called myself handsome alot.

-I was in a special program in school in the third grade and in that program they seperated the boys from the girls in order to teach us about our bodies.  I wanted to be with the males.  I was terrified of the changes my teacher said the girls would have to go through like wider hips, and breasts, and especially menstration and how we should take care of our female bodies.  I was depressed for the rest of the day.  I wanted the changes boys got to go through.  I wanted to learn how to wash my body like a male and NOT like a female!  I hated God for making me a woman. 

- I would tell me mother in 3rd grade that I'm not going to wear a bra.  I tried to fight it and loved it when she forgot but she didn't.  She just though I'd be ready at a later date which shortly came after.

-When our class went swimming in 5th grade I didn't want to fiddle with my bra after getting out of the pool so I went the rest of the day not wearing one.  I tried to do that again but one of the girls busted me.

-In Sunday School, our teacher referred to us as kings and queens.  I said that I am a ruler and not a queen.  I wanted to be a king but I didn't want to let others know that so I just used a more neutral term.




-When I made a rank high enough in NJROTC I was issued Service Dress Blues.  I secretly longed for the male SDB uniform.  Luckily due to my large body that made the female SDB uniform making me look like Hulk when he rips his shirt,  I had to wear the male SDB uniform with the female necktie (which I didn't mind since it's way easier ti put in than a male tie. I was so happy about this and I'm sure my Chief knew I wouldn't mind.  I was the only female who got the privilige to wear the male one weekly.  That made me feel SO bad A and I hated that I had to return it.  I looked great (at least to me) and I felt like I got SO much respect in it! I wish I still could have worn the male Service Dress Cap but I just took what I could get.





I could go on and on.