Hi folks,

My name's Chris, I'm 30 and I'm having some issues trying to work out my gender identity. For as long as I can remember, I've often felt like the odd one out when in a group of men, even if some of those men were members of my family. I spent some years (the last of my schooling years) at an all boy's school and didn't feel comfortable spending time interacting with the other boys, as I often felt out of place. I would consider myself to be a bit of a recluse, which often makes me feel quite depressed. I get along with other people, for the most part, but I can't shake the feeling that something deep down inside me is very wrong. I have quite a few attributes that are more feminine than masculine and I like that part of me, the feminine side, that is. I have felt on a few occasions recently that I'm really unhappy with being a man, but I don't really see death via suicide as an option. I've not yet spoken to my doctor about my feelings, although, I've spoken with her about being generally depressed. I have been tempted to say something the last couple of times I went to see my doctor, but I couldn't quite cross the line, it just gets stuck in my throat.

I have a question that I'm sure someone will be able to answer.

If someone took hormones and testosterone blockers (in the case of a male-to-female transition), what would be the psychological affect on that person if they discovered that they weren't in fact a transgender/transsexual person? I was thinking about the possible effects earlier today and have come to the conclusion that it wouldn't really bother me. I feel that I'm mentally and physically prepared for the effects and would happily welcome them, even though I've yet to fully accept that I am a transgender/transsexual person. All I really know about myself at this time, is that I'm not happy with my body and feel kind of "world-weary" about being a man. Hopefully that makes sense. I know I'm not alone, so thanks for being here.

There are so many things I want to say, but right now I'm not 100% sure how to put it, so I'll elaborate more on certain points as more people respond.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to your replies.

Chris

P.S. This is my first forum post in a couple of years, so hopefully I'm not too rusty on how things work. I used to be a bit prolific with posts on forums. Not always right, but I was always good at making a point. Now I realise I'm not the same person I was when I made my last post on whichever forum I posted on. Ah, the joys of self discovery, there's nothing quite like it!!

Hi Chris.  Sounds like you have a lot in common with me and several other people here.  Can't answer your hormone question and likely it is going to vary person to person.  The #1 answer you're going to get is talk to a therapist.  Anyways, welcome to Susan's!

Hi Chris 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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V M

Thanks for the welcomes.

I'm currently out of work and are not sure how to go about therapy. How do I go about it in the UK? Also, if I decide to speak to my doctor about this, how should I do so? Any hints on what to say? Does anyone here know about funding for meds? I'm sure I read a comment somewhere that if you're unemployed in the UK, you can get all meds through the NHS and it doesn't cost anything. I've gotten a couple of meds for other ailments in the past and I didn't have to pay anything for them, so I'm wondering if it'll be the same for transitioning meds, too.

Anyway, thanks again for the welcomes. It's nice to know you're not alone in the world and that there are communities out there for just about everything.

Chris

Hi Chris,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7102. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet  )O(

Welcome to the forums.I wish i could help you and i can try the best i can but being FtM,that may be alittle hard.I am also not from the UK but i can try to give some insight on whats best for you.

This is something that needs to take time and thought on.Just because you *suspect* it,does not mean that its the right time to jump into life changing choices.Many of us have taken a very long time in order to reach those points and some,still havent.Speaking to your doctor is a good thing but please dont rush into anything just yet.Now would be a good time to watch and grow,see how you mature and the more you do then the more the questions will answer their selves.A good way to do this is by going through the forums,reading other stories and getting to know people.Another way is in personal life.This is my personal opinion and i wish you luck either way

Chris, pleased to meet you.  We have quite a few members here from the UK.  I hope a few see this and can answer your questions about the NHS.

Hi Chris, thanks for introducing yourself. As far as your question goes, I agree with Jamie that you will find support here. I am from Boston, and I say welcome to Susan's.

Quote from: Chaos on August 17, 2013, 08:21:54 PM
Welcome to the forums.I wish i could help you and i can try the best i can but being FtM,that may be alittle hard.I am also not from the UK but i can try to give some insight on whats best for you.

This is something that needs to take time and thought on.Just because you *suspect* it,does not mean that its the right time to jump into life changing choices.Many of us have taken a very long time in order to reach those points and some,still havent.Speaking to your doctor is a good thing but please dont rush into anything just yet.Now would be a good time to watch and grow,see how you mature and the more you do then the more the questions will answer their selves.A good way to do this is by going through the forums,reading other stories and getting to know people.Another way is in personal life.This is my personal opinion and i wish you luck either way

Thanks for your thoughts. I've known about these feelings since I was about 4-5. It's only in the last year or so that I've begun to accept that I'm unable to continue as I am and felt the need to change. I've also known for some time that a lot of my feminine traits are natural, like many others here, but I've had to suppress those while around other people and that is beginning to become more and more difficult to control. I totally agree that people shouldn't rush into a life changing procedure. I also believe that everything you do up until hormones/testosterone replacement therapy is [more or less] reversible.

It would be nice to be able to meet some other trans people in my area, I just don't know where I can find out about meetings. Talking to my doctor shouldn't be too difficult, it's just a matter of what to say that bothers me. I don't know whether to just start off with that I've been crossdressing on and off since I was about 5-6 or if I should start somewhere else. Once I get over that and my doctor is ok to talk about such issues, then it should be relatively straight forward after that. I've been a little wary of talking to anybody face to face about how I really feel for some time. I don't think I'd feel comfortable talking to a man, because they wouldn't really have a true point of reference for the feminine side of things. But, at the same time, I don't know how to talk about it with a woman, just in case they're the sort of person who doesn't like the idea of crossdressers. My way of thinking, when it comes to female doctors, is that they are women first, then doctors. Male doctors are the same. They may be professionals in their field, but they're also human, like the rest of us. I have lots of respect for them and other people, too.

Therein lies one of my problems. I put too much emphasis on other people's feelings, much like women do in general. I feel that it's holding me back from wanting to talk about my true feelings. My masculine/male side is the same, more or less. I've tried for so many years to suppress my feminine side while around others just so I fit in and now it's starting to really become a problem for me. My biggest "problem"? I care more about other people and their feelings. It's a great thing to have inside of you, but not when you have to hide parts of you because of it. I've never felt truly complete in life. I've never felt true happiness, only a underlying sense of sadness. I get bad thoughts, just like everyone else does and it's getting to a point where it's almost unbearable. Something has to give!!

Ok, that's enough of me ranting on about my life for now. Thanks for all the other welcomes.

Chris

You are right Chris.  There comes a time when something has to give.  The dysphoria can become intolerable.

I may be biased, but I will suggest that being able to live with yourself is better than becoming a suicide statistic - too many of our own try that.

It was my impression that, all throughout the UK, there are gender clinics.  I would not be surprised if you were close to one.  I suppose they could provide information concerning support groups and other activities.  I saw a recent topic where a British member ranked them according to serviced rendered in a timely manner.

Quote from: Phoenix_2812 on August 18, 2013, 10:10:00 AM
Thanks for your thoughts. I've known about these feelings since I was about 4-5. It's only in the last year or so that I've begun to accept that I'm unable to continue as I am and felt the need to change. I've also known for some time that a lot of my feminine traits are natural, like many others here, but I've had to suppress those while around other people and that is beginning to become more and more difficult to control. I totally agree that people shouldn't rush into a life changing procedure. I also believe that everything you do up until hormones/testosterone replacement therapy is [more or less] reversible.

It would be nice to be able to meet some other trans people in my area, I just don't know where I can find out about meetings. Talking to my doctor shouldn't be too difficult, it's just a matter of what to say that bothers me. I don't know whether to just start off with that I've been crossdressing on and off since I was about 5-6 or if I should start somewhere else. Once I get over that and my doctor is ok to talk about such issues, then it should be relatively straight forward after that. I've been a little wary of talking to anybody face to face about how I really feel for some time. I don't think I'd feel comfortable talking to a man, because they wouldn't really have a true point of reference for the feminine side of things. But, at the same time, I don't know how to talk about it with a woman, just in case they're the sort of person who doesn't like the idea of crossdressers. My way of thinking, when it comes to female doctors, is that they are women first, then doctors. Male doctors are the same. They may be professionals in their field, but they're also human, like the rest of us. I have lots of respect for them and other people, too.

Therein lies one of my problems. I put too much emphasis on other people's feelings, much like women do in general. I feel that it's holding me back from wanting to talk about my true feelings. My masculine/male side is the same, more or less. I've tried for so many years to suppress my feminine side while around others just so I fit in and now it's starting to really become a problem for me. My biggest "problem"? I care more about other people and their feelings. It's a great thing to have inside of you, but not when you have to hide parts of you because of it. I've never felt truly complete in life. I've never felt true happiness, only a underlying sense of sadness. I get bad thoughts, just like everyone else does and it's getting to a point where it's almost unbearable. Something has to give!!

Ok, that's enough of me ranting on about my life for now. Thanks for all the other welcomes.

Chris

i know how you feel 100% about not being able to hide those things and i did so for over 20 years (didnt know why though) my family wasnt the type that was accepting or even allowed you to be yourself,so i basiclly suffered in silence (then again i was raised sheltered,so i suffered and didnt know why) its great that you have reached that point and said *enough is enough* so im happy to hear you now can be yourself.i understand also not knowing how to address certain things to your doctor and this is why i suggested some extra time.like me,even when i found all the information needed and i came out,i still was very lost per say *where do i start? how do i do this or that? how does that work?* and alot involving peoples reactions and the more time i took to be self,the less lost i felt.but either way,im glad your here and i wish you awesome luck alot of people here will be a great help

Thanks Jamie and Chaos.

I have another thing that kind of bothers me. I spent the first 18 or so years of my life in care, as did my sister (she's 2 years older than me) and have spent a lot of time living around boys. Now, the thing that bothers me is that I do a rather convincing boy/man, but don't really come across as a woman, unless I let loose and just act naturally. The only thing about that, is that where I'm a caring kind of person, I'm really scared of letting people see my true nature because of how they might react. So, I just go on living in full male mode and live in woman mode when I'm alone at home (I live alone, by the way). If I go and see my doctor and tell her that I'm having problems with my gender but hide it pretty well, I don't think she'd believe me unless I walked into the surgery wearing a skirt or a dress, which I would feel really uncomfortable about because of my very male appearance. My face is the worst part. I hate looking in mirrors or even seeing my face in a reflection. Whenever I use my mobile phone, I have to turn it slightly so I don't see my reflection. It's a face that I don't even recognise most of the time and it makes me really uncomfortable to look at it, even if just for a second. As for the rest of my body, I'm kind of indifferent; I don't care either way. I probably wouldn't mind losing a "couple of things", but I wouldn't exactly say I hate those parts of my body, only that I could live without them if the opportunity arose. Then again, if I did transition, I'd probably want to get rid of those parts so that my body would conform to the gender I was transitioning to.

Although I live relatively happily as I am, I wouldn't say that I'm entirely happy. There is always that nagging feeling that something isn't right. I'm just glad that I know what that problem is now. Or am I? Knowing is one thing, being able to act on that knowledge is another and that is the part that is bothering me the most at present. All I know for certain, is that I can't continue as I am: I feel the need to act. I feel the need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not flinch or wonder "who is that?". Is wanting to be able to live a full life instead of half a life, asking too much?! Unfortunately, in today's world and with the people in it, it probably is. That's what makes people's lives so difficult. In order for me to be able to get onto hormones, I probably have to be near wanting death and walking around in a dress before someone actually agrees to help. It's infuriating, demoralising and soul destroying. I sometimes wonder what I should do. Should I just live as I have lived up until now and try to forget about my true nature?! Or do I go around pretending that I'm ready to throw myself in front of a train just to prove that I'm unhappy?! S that:!! I mean, this is my life we're talking about, emphasis on: MY LIFE!! Ok, so I might not be as gender dysphoric as some people (I'd never take that away from anyone by assuming I've got it really bad), but I hate the constant hiding and lying to people, including myself. Would it be a good idea, do you think, for me to tell someone else first, before telling my doctor? I've been feeling the need to tell my mum and my sister all year. Not sure how I'd tell my dad, as we're very similar in our interests, so not sure how he'd take the news. I think my sister would be ok with it, as we're pretty close. My mum would probably take it pretty hard, though, as she's suffered from depression in recent years, as have I. I wouldn't imagine any of them would disown me, but the rest of the family is probably a whole different story. I don't see them very much these days. I've only seen them once in the last 5 or so years. There was a family wedding last year that I went to. I went there wearing a tieless and jacketless suit, but felt out of place pretty much the whole time and it wasn't so much that I hadn't seen some of those people in many years, either. I don't think I feel socially out of place, as I normally get along with people quite well once I've gotten to know them or gotten reacquainted. Geez, a person could go crazy trying to figure out some of this stuff. I'm just glad I'm not alone.

Thanks for reading another one of my long winded posts. What's the character limit on this forum? Just kidding!! I happen to make a long post or two once my mind gets itself into gear. I was never a fan of text speech, so that is why my posts are the way they are. Sorry.

All the best,

Chris

I will relate my own experience.  I played the role of male, husband, and father, even though I was ill-equipped to do so.  I was good at it, maybe I still am, but in the long run it was killing me - literally.  Three stress-related heart surgeries later, several stroke, uncontrolled hypertension, and everything that goes along with that almost finished me.

It really wasn't until I began to accept myself and my complexity, that I started to heal.

All things considered, I would rather you don't have to go through that, or throw yourself in front of a train (the train will win every time).  When we are questioning, we are often confused.  But it is a beginning.

Talk things over with a therapist.  A good one will help you develop coming out strategies, if that is what you want. Who knows, a transition may not be what you need.  Perhaps just a different gender expression.  It sounds like you need more than just self-acceptance though.