This is a bit of a "which came first" question, but I'll throw it out there and see if anyone feels similarly.

I can't be sure at this stage whether my depression is a result of my TG feelings, or whether my TG feelings are a result of my depression.  Does anyone else suffer from this?

I guess that something holding me back from facing what I'm feeling is the thought that if my depression could be "cured", either through therapy or (more likely) medication, my TG feelings would disappear and I'd never have to worry about them or tell anyone.  And maybe this is wishful thinking, because it's far easier to come out of the closet about depression than it is about feeling like a girl trapped in a boy's body.  People understand the former, but the latter sounds nuts or even disgusting to many people.

But on the other hand, why on earth would depression manifest itself through TG feelings if those feelings weren't there in the first place, somewhere deep down?  Surely it would be more logical for me to want to buy a Harley or go out and have affairs with other women or smoke weed or get a tattoo or do whatever depressed guys do?  I mean, getting depressed mid-life and deciding to become a girl?  Surely that can't be common?

TG, or just weird midlife crisis?

i don't think it is just a midlife crisis. Mid-life crisis doesn't work like that.

Well, I have heard of some detransitioners saying that their midlife crisis provoked their desire to transition. I find that...interesting. I think the real question you would have to ask yourself is how you felt before, what you hope to get out of transition, etc.

Incidentally your depression and TG issue could be unrelated entirely. You could be depressed over a chemical imbalance, over some other life circumstance, etc, it may have little to do with TG stuff.

This is a question I've struggled with for a long time. Ever since I made the realization that I'm probably TG, I've looked for every possible alternate explanation I could think of. This scenario being one of them.

In talking with several therapists, none of them has thought my TG feelings were caused by depression. In fact the only condition I've come across that could mimic TG is borderline personality disorder, which seems like it should be fairly easily diagnosed.

I was hoping to find that I had an easy-to-fix condition, and didn't have to face the possibility of life-altering changes. No such luck.

Although I would think depression alone could not cause one to be TG, I wouldn't bet money on it.

Since transitioning is such a huge, life-changing event, I would suggest to you the doctor's creed, "First do no harm." Do not transition with permanent methods (HRT, surgeries) but only temporary fixes....hair, clothing, in private, etc. Not even this, if you can. Focus on getting the depression under control first.

If it was D-->TG, the trans feelings should disappear as the depression remits...but if not, the GID symptoms should still be there after the D is gone.

Does having depression cause you to also feel TG? Almost 100% no on that one..

Does being TG cause depression? Absolutely..

I suffered from chronic depression most of my life. Tried various meds, none of which did much except make me a zombie.

I'm now depression free.. Even the death of my GF didn't send me back to the pit.. And the only thing I can attribute that to is transition.

Of course it varies amoong individuals and please discuss it with your medical team. In my case I had been medicated for years for depression. After living FT for a few months I tossed the meds in the bin (not recommended BTW as you should gradually withdraw from them) but I have never needed them since. And I do face some personal family challenges that are extremely difficult to cope with.

I read a paper on here that said dysphoria mimics depression- which made me smile as it boils the two things into one problem- which is my experience of it so far.
Like Kelly, I had lifelong 'depression' - which lifted when I came terms with being trans.  I can now control it within the understanding of it as dysphoria- where before CBT simply did not work on me- and drugs only made me a zombie.
I can now apply CBT like thinking recognising when dysphoria is hitting me and dealing with it as a part of me.  Knowing I will transition eases that depressive sensation.

My GD is my depression.

Thanks for the responses.  Yesterday, I was in a "perhaps if I could just get medicated for depression, my TG feelings would also disappear" kind of mood.  It was one of those days where I think that the whole experience must be a bad dream, something I'll just be able to snap out of.

No such luck, evidently.  And if anything, it sounds like the TG issues are causing the depression in most cases, not vice versa.

I found it helpful (as I lived in total denial) to made a list of events in my life that could be symptoms of gender dysphoria.  I could then really concentrate on each memory and explore it fully.  As, for me, many of these where prior to depression, so it was clearly not caused by it.
Hope that helps- remember I am early in too and no therapist though

Quote from: Emmaline on August 19, 2013, 10:45:57 PM
I found it helpful (as I lived in total denial) to made a list of events in my life that could be symptoms of gender dysphoria.  I could then really concentrate on each memory and explore it fully.  As, for me, many of these where prior to depression, so it was clearly not caused by it.
Hope that helps- remember I am early in too and no therapist though

Emmaline, I've been doing the same thing with my memories by journaling.  I also found that my gender dysphoria wasn't caused by depression. In fact, I feel my dysphoria was at its strongest when things in my life seemed to be going well. It seemed I always focused on the problem at hand, whenever that went away, the girl inside would would always comeback.

I spent my late teen, 20's, 30's and much of my 40's depressed.  Always a near constant feeling that nothing was going right, things were not the way they should be... Life should not suck that much.     

Hi Michele,
That is a question that I have always struggled with answering. I have had gender issues for as long as I can remember.....so it is fair to say that I have always had gender issues. I had a bad episode of depression about 15 years ago that lasted for nearly two years (thankfully that is behind me). However I have not always had depression and nor do I have depression now. So I don't think that my gender issue caused my depression.

However, I have have sufferred a lot from anxieties over the years that I can definitely attribute to my gender issues. The anxieties disappeared when I realised and accepted that I am TG. Of course those anxieties were quickly replaced by a whole new set of anxieties that centred around what I was now going to to with the knowledge that I am TG. I now had to explore what seemed like scary options that were entirely new to me; options like HRT, transitioning, feminisation, coming out ( a very scary one), family, friends, work, social environment......the list goes on and on. Coming to terms with being TG and making decisions on my options has dealt with the anxieties. I will add that I could not have done this without the help and support of some wonderful people at Susans.

A young girl on this site recently described being TG as a gift. I think she is so right. Once I had dealt with my anxieties I was left with the gift of being a transgendered woman.....such a lucky woman indeed.

I have no real answers to your question but I hope my story helps.

Love,
Ciara.

I have been very depressed for much of the last ... geez... probably since I was 14, so 13 years. Nearly half my life. Some of it was due to abuse when I was young. I got help for that during high school. But some of it was also because of just feeling so hopelessly out of place in my own skin. I have found that since I have fully accepted myself as being trans, started therapy, came out to a few people, and am taking small small steps to start transitioning (I shaved my legs and paint my toe nails when I get the chance... which reminds me I need to re-paint them) ... I feel a whole lot better than I can ever remember feeling already.

I still have a strong sense of dysphoria ... but it's nice to just know that there is something I can do about it and that I am doing something about it. So for me, I am definitely depressed because I'm trans and not the other way around.

As for mid life crisis talk ... I kinda think that a mid life crisis isn't a real thing, and probably isn't even a crisis for a lot of people. I suspect what happens is as a person gets older, they realize that this really is their life. Why should someone live it unhappily? People also get older and realize two things usually.

First: most people don't actually notice you. So ... why are you worried about a bunch of people you don't know on the street getting scared or freaking out about how you look or that you're trans? The reality is that, unless you're famous or really stand out ... most people simply aren't going to give you a second glance. So ... you may as well do as you want if it makes you happy.

And second: People kinda reach that age where instead of panicking over what everyone else thinks ... they instead start to think "eh .... Let's see what happens!"

So when someone goes through what other people see as a mid life crisis ... what they're really seeing is something that person has always wanted/loved/felt like come forward. It seems sudden to those who didn't know about it, and very abrupt. But the reality is, it's something that may have been on that person's mind for decades, maybe their entire life, and to them it's not abrupt at all and makes perfect sense and was rationally thought out.

That's not a crisis. That, my friends ... is sweet sweet victory.

It would seem extremely unlikely that depression causes gender dysphoria. Otherwise this would be an exceptionally common condition, which it isn't (even though it is likely to be much more common than people think). Same with mid-life crisis. One of my acquaintances just found out i was trans. She stated her life seemed kind of boring now. I said, I didn't think this was a very good way to go spicing up your life, though it has done that in many ways. It was certainly not the intent. Go travel the world or something. Obviously someone who is bored with things *could* have come up with this, but gender questioning is not a common thing really (at least in the older generations).

--Jay

Quote from: Amy The Bookworm on August 20, 2013, 10:57:46 AM....when someone goes through what other people see as a mid life crisis ... what they're really seeing is something that person has always wanted/loved/felt like come forward. It seems sudden to those who didn't know about it, and very abrupt. But the reality is, it's something that may have been on that person's mind for decades, maybe their entire life, and to them it's not abrupt at all and makes perfect sense and was rationally thought out.

That's not a crisis. That, my friends ... is sweet sweet victory.

Beautifully put Amy. You have hit the "mid life crisis" nail on the head.
Thank you.

Love,
Ciara.

Quote from: Emmaline on August 19, 2013, 10:45:57 PM
I found it helpful (as I lived in total denial) to made a list of events in my life that could be symptoms of gender dysphoria.  I could then really concentrate on each memory and explore it fully.  As, for me, many of these where prior to depression, so it was clearly not caused by it.
Hope that helps- remember I am early in too and no therapist though

That helped a lot (as did all the responses here).  Thinking back, I was not an unhappy child, but there were some things way back in elementary school that were - to me, at least, in hindsight - fairly obvious hints that I felt some discomfort with my gender, and all of that was long before any depression set in (which came along in my mid- to late-twenties, and has been here ever since).  In fact, all through my teenage years, I have no recollection of being depressed.  Conclusion?  Like you suggest, the depression is a symptom and not the cause, and it might not even be a symptom related to my TG feelings.

Accepting these feelings - in private - makes me happy.  When alone, when I'm driving or doing housework or exercising or whatever, in my head I can be female or trans and I feel a weight lifted from me.  Coming back to a place where I have to be male is when the depression really bites hard.

And I love that explanation of a mid-life crisis as being just the point where someone starts living for themselves and not hiding things for the sake of others.  Sure, coming out as trans would be a shock to everyone around me, but to me it does seem like a logical and small step.