My day is blown, but I am quite far from desolate; I have passed through FAR worse - and so have YOU.

I got to thinking about Kate, Melissa and myself.....and...the absolute hell which we have had to endure.

But, there are many more here.....'it comes with the territory' it seems, yes? 

And I found myself remembering...... .....back to basic training, oddly enough - but not really.

AF basic training was actually enjoyable to me and from what I had heard, was the most innocuous such training, of all other armed forces, Marine basic being the hardest, from what I have heard.

And I remembered how we were, at the time, restricted from using bleach and even hedge clippers, for some individuals had actually tried to kill themselves with these, because they couldn't handle AF basic training.

[shaking her head] 

And I remember thinking to myself, "If you cannot handle this nonsense, you cannot handle life itself."

And I found myself considering what Kate, Melissa, myself and so many others have sometimes barely survived through and this time when I recalled basic training, I found myself in utter contempt, honestly.

And these....well, maybe they were not; I don't know, come to think of it....were at least ostensibly 'normal' individuals.


You know, we have survived and thrived in the face of adversities which would have either institutionalized or killed the average human being.

We've seen much, we've been through much - and we are still here.

We have survived.

I look at the people at the DMV who humiliated me and through the sadness and the anger I thought,

"You people simply have no clue whatsoever.  You observe and then you make superficial assessments, but in reality, you have not a clue; you haven't tasted what I and so many of my sisters and brothers have tasted. And what we have survived through, you never would have."

You know my sisters, that is something to hold our heads HIGH about. We have earned the right to be happy.

We have a strength of character and resolve which very few outside of number, have.

And I say this not to engender bitterness toward the 'world', but to make you think about the positive aspect of our respective journeys toward the attainment of the true. 

It sure as hell feels that our lives are nothing but hardship and pain [look who you are hearing this from  ], but that simply is not true.

It is all too easy to allow ourselves to degenerate into a state of negativity, disillusionment...and hopelessness - but that does not represent reality.

And it seems incumbent to survival, to consciously and assertively re-orient the mind to that which is positive about our lives, because that does represent reality.

I'm finding that it takes effort to do it, as many as you have learned, but it is eminently worth that kind of effort

We have survived things that would have broken most people.

And we have the power to survive, lo, to REALLY LIVE!

You girls have alot to be proud of, alot to hold your heads HIGH about and that is

REALITY! 

With my love,

Rhonda

Well said, Rhonda!

Knowing that we have the right does not make it any easier, and I am one of the lucky ones. Although I started late I seem to almost pass effortlessly. Maybe because at 62 some women look more male. LOL I hate that idea. I have a good job, that would let me transition if I had the nerve, which I don't. And some say they might even pay for SRS. Still lack of nerve is holding me back.

I still get very nervous going out into the real world as Vickie. My hair is thin and my forehead is high, but I go out anyway. Not a lot, but I still do it. Some of my friends can't yet, except to "safe" places.

I am not sure where this is going, but I just had to comment.

Oh, I hated basic training. The paper tests were easy, but the physical ones were so hard for me. I was not strong enough, which made all the PT and running so hard. The weight room was not that much help. I did make it through. I do think some one cheated in my favor for me, thank god, I did not want to do it again!

Hugs,

Vickie

Quote from: Kiera on July 04, 2007, 04:33:14 PM

Quote from: Rhonda on July 04, 2007, 02:15:00 PM

My day is blown, but I am quite far from desolate; I have passed through FAR worse - and so have YOU. . . You girls have alot to be proud of, alot to hold your heads HIGH about and that is

REALITY! 

Wow Rhonda! Quite a switch in outlook from the other day - you are waxing positively inspirational!! My day was 'ell too, has been for last couple of weeks I suppose. The wrong guy at work has been on my case, after my a$$ incessantly (albeit in a nice way) whereas the boy, the man that I really wanted to get to know disappeared two weeks ago and I have not seen or heard from him since . . . vacation? transferred?? I'm afraid to ask. I look for him every day now and he is still not there 

I know what you mean by "the DMV" types, <a href="http://www.deltaxchange.com/susans/05_-_eddie_vedder_-_you_ve_got_to_hide_your_love_away_192_lame_cbr.mp3">"Hey you got to hide your love away"</a>

Thanks For The Encouraging Words! 

(p.s. Oh, happy 4'th by the way!)

Honey, dear sister, I just cannot live like this anymore. It's tearing me apart.

While it's true that I am experiencing medication issues at present [this has nearly killed me, at my own hand], I MUST break this cognitive loop.

I'm going through emotional hell right now and I cry nearly constantly anymore, but I've got to fight this somehow.

I suppose that, given the neurotransmitter instability secondary to the medication change, I am literally fighting for my life, right now.

This situation is desperate....[shaking her head]....you know.

I cannot let this break me, Keira. 

sorry

too blue

Pain, lost, thoughts of Suicide, Just part of the day to day joy of being trans.  I'm starting to come out of the transexual pit of dispare.  I have several new friends who are just the best.  People in sonoma county CA are for the most part live and let live types.  As far as the DMV goes,  In california it was rather nice, after the OHHHHH. left their face.

Now that's not to say that the evening of the 4th was not hard, It was. But the depth of my dispair is not as deep anymore.  Plus a trip to the hair salon always cheers me up. 

Take care Rhonda and all the other sisters out there

Beni 

Pain, lost, thoughts of Suicide, Just part of the day to day joy of being trans.  I'm starting to come out of the transexual pit of dispare.

Yes Beni and Rhonda, god the depths of despair can bring us at the edge of the abyss, I've been there come back, been there, come back, etc, etc. I thought the other day as I was reading some posts that I can get so easily tied up in the morose of it all, almost feeding on other peoples pain as I relate to it. I don't mean to be dismissive of the pain we feel but I am thinking perhaps we should try and find some positives in our lives however hard that may be. I know there are good things in my life and yet so often they are out weighed by the issues that GID throws up. I don't really know if that makes sense and I am trying to work this out for myself. Just a thought and the ramblings of another sister who is confused more often than not.

hugs and kisses

BTW like your new pic Beni.

hugs and kisses

Nigella

Quote from: Nigella on July 08, 2007, 06:45:14 AM
Pain, lost, thoughts of Suicide, Just part of the day to day joy of being trans.  I'm starting to come out of the transexual pit of dispare.

Yes Beni and Rhonda, god the depths of despair can bring us at the edge of the abyss, I've been there come back, been there, come back, etc, etc. I thought the other day as I was reading some posts that I can get so easily tied up in the morose of it all, almost feeding on other peoples pain as I relate to it. I don't mean to be dismissive of the pain we feel but I am thinking perhaps we should try and find some positives in our lives however hard that may be. I know there are good things in my life and yet so often they are out weighed by the issues that GID throws up. I don't really know if that makes sense and I am trying to work this out for myself. Just a thought and the ramblings of another sister who is confused more often than not.

hugs and kisses

BTW like your new pic Beni.

hugs and kisses

Nigella

[remembering last summer]

i almost crossed that threshold. that was the closest that i have ever been, besides the drug overdose in 1986.....

Oh compaired to a few months ago, I'm just a bubbly bundle of joy today. LOL.   So it IS getting better.  Thanks Nigella, I like the photo too.  Not so shabby for 8 months HRT though I owe lots to my dad and mom. 

YOU look good too girl.

Later girls, I've got to do some zen on my goldwing.

Beni