Hey guys, I'm a long-time stalker but recent member. I don't... have a name I'd like to give yet, I'm still struggling on that front.
it's a bit long winded but I just can't compress it, I'm just that flustered by it all.
My partner is a straight cis guy, we've been together for nearly three years. He's my everything, blahblah. Love, like.... Princess Bride kind of true love. Twu wuv, even.
We both have family members who graciously introduced us to this, and so the prospect of our situation isn't new. I have a MTF sister-in-law, and his sister is genderqueer, so even before all this started about seven months ago... it's not like it's a big thing in that context.
(Always been boyish, dressed in boys closed til I hit puberty. I was a pretty regular girl, I'm feminine but I don't feel female. Last Christmas a friend came to visit and I broke down and talked to him about my feelings, he's known me for nearly 11 years and he knows me... I was the kid they always joked would 'get a sex change', and we laughed that if anyone didn't see this coming they we're that good of a friend anyway.)
After that talk, I said I'd give myself six months before seeking any kind of psychiatric help, I'm big into doing everything I can before depending on someone else.. I tried dressing/presenting as male, cutting my hair even shorter, binding etc, and I guess matching up to how I felt. It worked. I've been so much more happy and I feel right. I feel so freaking right. Insecure about my... bits... but cover that stuff up and bam - I am wickedly happy. I've decided to go for it, and my friend is one of my biggest supporters. I am going to be the person I want to be. When my friends say 'he' or 'his' I melt with appreciation, I feel I'm almost unfairly lucky to have them.
I also talked to my boyfriend about it, and he was very supportive. He said he'd love me no matter what and do his best to support me. A lot more tearful and complicated than that, but summarised... that was it. That's great, but relationships aren't that simple at the best of times, let alone now.
Which brings me to the actual issue. It's mostly about sexual attraction.
I'm not worried about my personality changing as much as I'm worried about my body changing. He currently identifies as straight, and I don't know how hard this will be to understand but I'll do my best to explain. My sexuality is very much dictated by my attraction to him as person, not a gender. I am sexually attracted to his personality, I guess? If he said "I want to be a woman, I am a woman, I want to go on hormones etc" I would 100% support him. Which is fine, but he's not the one with the desire to transition.
I have had the talk with him multiple times. He said he would even find me attractive as a man, despite him being straight. Blahblah, get to the end of it and we're fine. We're even trying male pronouns among our four-person tribe of BFFs. I am super lucky.
BUT I AM ALSO INSECURE. I can't predict him, and I'm finding myself getting angry because I'm not psychic enough to read his mind or future events. He's straight. I want to be a man.
I am actually starting my transition. I'm starting to come out, I guess. I gave myself six months to think seriously and start settling into the idea, and eight months later I'm doing the things. Hopefully starting T by the end of the year. But ugh, I love him so much that this relationship is the big thing that would stop me from doing this. I love him that much, I love what we have. It's made me who I am, and who I am is something I'm proud of because of him. I'm in a panic about the whole situation because of my relationship. I need to do this, and the thought of losing him over something I feel like I can't live without... it's like choosing between water and oxygen.
Is there anyone here who has maintained a ftm/cis male relationship that was up and running before you transitioned? Was he straight or bi or pan or ace or whatever?
Even guys whose partners are female, I've read a lot of writing where sexuality among previously identified lesbian couples (whether still idetifying as lesbian or not isn't my point btw) have the same sort of issue, not being attracted to me and all, but remaining with their partners... I don't care too much. I just need some help, I feel really lost and lonely about this whole thing.
What kind of questions did you ask your partner? What did he ask you? Is it weird for me to feel like I'm not asking the right questions? Like I'm not closing the conversation, so to speak? Is this me fearing transition, because I don't know what will actually happen between us by the end/ish of things?
Did you have a similar fear of them changing their mind and not finding you attractive? Have you had surgery, are you on T etc?
Has anyone's partner changed their mind about the relationship because of the physical side of things?
How does your sex-life change? I'm okay with my bottom parts, I don't imagine sex any different but again I haven't actually transitioned physically. We're pretty vanilla.
Again, the fear is mostly a sexual/physical thing. I'm okay with the personality side, I know that's something I can mostly control by being myself, because he loves me when I do that.
Apologies for the rant, thanks for any input, much appreciated!
