It happened to me a couple of days ago. It was odd. I just thought I felt comfortable as a male, a fairly feminine one even.

But then the next day I was back to the same conclusion that It was transition that I wanted.

It's odd, because I've said before that the times I feel I want to stay as I am is when I am under the influence of testosterone, and my sex drive is going crazy.

It's sometimes difficult to differentiate between the hormones and what is actually me. It can influence my judgement and make me think I'm comfortable, when really it is just the hormones telling me I need sex. But when all is said and done and I'm thinking clearly, there I am wanting transition, lol.

I'm curious to know if anybody else has these experiences/doubts?

The closest I have personally got was wondering if I could do so successfully. I do not wish to be seen as 'trans', only a man.

I have read from others saying they have had feelings of not needing to though, so you are not alone.

I think my problem is fear of not knowing how I will turn out. Hormones have a huge influence over us to the extent that it can dominate our personality. I have no idea who I would become under HRT.

Not only that but I fear losing I suppose my sexual identity, the testosterone fueled one that can overwhelm me. I know it's all hormone so under HRT I would likely not miss it as my whole body and needs would change but I still fear losing it? Perhaps it is irrational.

Quote from: Dreams2014 on August 19, 2013, 04:18:03 AM
I think my problem is fear of not knowing how I will turn out. Hormones have a huge influence over us to the extent that it can dominate our personality. I have no idea who I would become under HRT.

Not only that but I fear losing I suppose my sexual identity, the testosterone fueled one that can overwhelm me. I know it's all hormone so under HRT I would likely not miss it as my whole body and needs would change but I still fear losing it? Perhaps it is irrational.

Yeah that's the fear alright! There is no way of knowing how your going to turn out prior to transition. I thought about de-transitioning this morning, i even said it out loud and felt pretty sad soon after. Some people have great results on HRT and others we need a lot more work i suppose, just gets pretty depressing.
Oh and yeah i hated the strong sex drive as well.

Quote from: Bardoux on August 19, 2013, 04:47:59 AM
Yeah that's the fear alright! There is no way of knowing how your going to turn out prior to transition. I thought about de-transitioning this morning, i even said it out loud and felt pretty sad soon after. Some people have great results on HRT and others we need a lot more work i suppose, just gets pretty depressing.
Oh and yeah i hated the strong sex drive as well.

It's just when the sex drive kicks in, rational thought ceases. It's primal, it's actually quite scary. I don't really enjoy being that kind of human. I like thinking clearly, analytically, logically etc. So when this drive kicks in it's just...well you know how it is.

But of course when you are feeling the urges you don't want to let it go. It's like a catch 22.

I remember so well in my very early days being told by another woman of the glorious benefits of going on HRT. One she proclaimed was the loss of erections etc. I was horrified!

Now?  I'm extremely happy sexually, I have a feminine sex drive, whatever that means, but I get horny in different ways than I did pre HRT. My pleasure and satisfaction is massively more. OK I can't get an erection and there is no discharge and after surgery no penis, but my clitoris will be there and that is what is stimulated now.

We need to remember that most sex is between the ears and not between the legs.


Did I think of not transitioning? Yes.

What do I think of it now? No way at all.

The acceptance, happiness and general well being is so fantastic, I could never ever go back.

I've never wanted to go back living as a male.

But there are many, many, many days when I question whether I have endurance to keep up the effort required to be a trans woman.

Today is definitely one of them. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,131762.msg1208628.html#msg1208628

I've thought about giving "this whole thing up", as though it's something I made up to be political or dramatic. But when I think about giving up, the question isn't "maybe I don't want to transition" but more "living a lie sounds easier than this".

I think Suzi hit it in the head for me.  I don't want to go back, but sometimes I question if I am strong enough to go on.

Yup... there definitely are days where, for whatever reason, I don't care too much. Sometimes they last for a few days.

But then, without fail, the dysphoria will come right back and kick me in the butt, and I'll be right back to feeling like crap because I'm not a girl yet.

The key is, though, on my bad days, I still don't want to go back to being a guy. It's just more of a "I'm not as annoyed as usual that I'm not a girl yet" kind of feeling, where I feel like I don't care for a while.

Don't worry about doubts. They're healthy to have. They make you think. Ask yourself why you're having them. Is it because you're tired? Is it because your brain was so overloaded with dysphoria that it couldn't keep the desires up, and thus needs a break? Or is it genuinely because you want to stay a guy? Let them happen. Think about them. Work them out.

Yeah, this is something that has worried me a lot. Sometimes I felt like I didn't need to transition. I stopped and tried to figure out what was going on, and realized after a bit that I was feeling genderless. Whatever activity I was doing was getting my mind off things and making me feel good, like playing music. Gender doesn't matter when I'm in that zone; it's something I always enjoy. I also had some vague feelings about starting HRT, and I planned on talking to my therapist about it. Before I got a chance to do that, my therapist informed me she was writing my HRT letter. I haven't had those feelings come back since then. I think it might've had something to do with having been in that pre-transition step for so long that I was starting to question if I would ever do it. Now that I've scheduled my first appointment for hormones, I just can't wait.

I tried to de-transition a few months ago, it got to the point where i was relatively happy with how i was feeling, my thoughts and my lack of sex drive which was so demanding! I figured that the few months of HRT had cured me of my dysphoria (not realising that was obviously because i was replacing one hormone with the right one). Those 36 hours off was horrible! Not only the migraines from sudden shifts in hormone levels but also the upsurge of testosterone that came soaring right back. Brought to the forefront again all the reasons why i had to transition in the first place. Remembering back to that time helps me to realise that while there is that feeling of being uncertain what the outcome may very well be, it's something that I need to do.

Just as a general statement, it is often not a good idea to suddenly end hormone therapy.  Tapering off is better and is less shock to the system.

Quote from: Jamie D on August 20, 2013, 04:40:25 AM
Just as a general statement, it is often not a good idea to suddenly end hormone therapy.  Tapering off is better and is less shock to the system.

Absolutely agree!

Hormones are very powerful, and replacing the one you grew up with by the other leads to huge changes.  Specially for a young person - I was past 60 when I started so not as much for me.  I was always completely hetero as a man so it's most likely I would end up lesbian.  However, I feel so good when a man pays me some attention that I'm putting my orientation down as "unsure" now.  I don't think I'm ready for a relationship with a man, but when I eventually get the SRS I may well be.

Did I ever want to untransition?  The only time that came anywhere close was when a long standing Internet friend posted a message to me and added "Oh, and tell <my male name> such and such".  I suddenly realised I couldn't, "he" isn't around any more.  In fact "he" has died.  I was sobbing over the keyboard and that was the time I really needed "him" to take over with the old stoicism and (autistic) emotional detachment.  I went to bed with all the stuffies I could find.  It was very cathartic and convinced me that I will never need to ask that question again.

It does take time to be sure of who you are.  It's OK - we do all get there eventually.

There are days when I question whether I'm doing the right thing. I do this for two reasons: 1) I'm electing to undergo hormone treatment and surgery - either of which could be dangerous - so it's only sensible to question everything & make sure I've thought things through; 2) my family is deeply, deeply unaccepting and there's a very good chance that my transition will cause me to lose my children.

I fought so hard to have those kids and it'd tear me to pieces if I lost them. But I can't go back. I had to transition because I got to a point where I could no longer cope with pretending to be female for everyone else's comfort. And with each step forward in my transition, I become more convinced that this is absolutely the right decision for me. I am more at ease with myself than I have ever been in my entire life.

I don't want to lose my kids. But if I stayed the way I was, I would've lost myself.

Quote from: MaryXYX on August 20, 2013, 06:06:31 AMIn fact "he" has died.

MaryXYX, that's really intriguing wording.  Did you feel like there were two people inhabiting your body - a male you and a female you?  Or that the male you was replaced by a female you?  Or even that there never was a male you in the first place?  I ask only because I can't figure it out in myself.

Maybe another post for another topic, seeing as it would derail this one a little, but I'm fascinated.

I never wanted to stop transitioning or to go back, but like others, there have been days where I dont feel I have the strength to keep going. Its a lot of work, not to mention money.

yeah somethimes I have the "f*** this s** felling.
somethimes I just dont want to be trans and just be a complitely normal cisgender person, typical guy with a penis or girl who feel confortable in her body, dosent matter just having a normal life with normal problems.

on the other hand being normal can be pretty boring.

I often question whether I should be looking at transitioning. Some days its like I'm not dysphoric enough to be trans. But mostly it is the fear of having to tell my best friend.
We have had another friend that transitioned and my friend doesn't react well when we discuss him (there are other issues that might be clouding his judgement). I fell that there will be a very good chance at loosing him as a friend and because he would be the lynch pin for me keeping in touch with my other friends I think I will loose them as well. It's not the thought of loosing my friends that bothers me, Ive packed up and left my old life behind before. It is that my friend will be disappointed in me that hurts.

As for my libido I need to keep that in check, right now I want to go through the proper channels for transitioning but when the libido takes over self medicating seems like just the thing.