So, there's an issue that's been on my mind lately that I can't seem to shake, and honestly, it seems like something that needs to be addressed; I've just been kind of putting it off. But it's becoming more and more important, and I'm starting to lose sleep over it. So, I figured here was the perfect place, of course.

School is coming up in two weeks or so, and here's my big problem: my parents, although very reluctantly (and they've said some hurtful things) allowed me to shop in the boys section for this school year, which I'm ridiculously- kind of pathetically, if you ask me- grateful for, and I was feeling better than ever. However, I'm not allowed to come out yet, so my worry is that with the haircut and the clothes everybody will ask me what's happening, if I'm a lesbian, why everything changed over the summer, etc. And I wish so, so badly that I could tell them the truth, but my parents won't let me and I'm stuck in a horrible position. How am I supposed to feel at ease in my body when everybody around me is calling me "she" and "Larissa" for seven hours a day? I'm so close the being able to feel comfortable as the person I know I am; it's right there in front of me, and I can almost grab it. But I'm stuck here, sending out mixed signals, and it's swirling my entire brain into a total mess. I feel like I'm stuck in some gender purgatory; half male, half female. Almost like the transitioning process has halted and I'm trying to find that final push to get me into living a male (much more comfortable, as well) life, but nothing will budge. I know how jumbled and insane this sounds, but I'm not in the best psychological state and I just don't know what to do.

It's not like I can't decide which gender I truly am- I know more than anything that I'm male. But I can't get to where I want to be and it's driving me crazy. Am I the only person who's ever felt this way? I feel like I'm going insane, so hopeless and confused.

What do I do???

PS: Sorry if I just confused you. 😕

No confusion.

I get the feeling that  you are in high school. Is that correct?


You may have to wait until you are 18 to be able to do much.You might be able to get counseling but be stuck for a while for anything more. It may seem like a long wait but that is because you are young. 3 years when you are 18 is 1/6 of your lifetime, that is a lot, however at 30 it is only 1/10 of your lifetime and therefore doesn't seem so long. Time is relative in that way.

That time will pass more quickly if you do positive things like planning for how to proceed when you can. One idea is to work part time to help pay for some things you need and to get good grades to ease your future. It helps to occupy your time and still feels like progress, because it is progress.

If you can talk to a therapist/counselor, they may be able to help you with your parents. You could get some literature from PFLAG or books for them to read which may help them to  further accept what you are going through.

Whatever happens, know that you are not alone and not the first to have lived through some rough times.

I know how frustrating and horrible it is, but try and focus on the positives until you can be yourself totally. You are pretty far ahead compared some of the other young guys here. At least your folks are accepting and you have an androgynous look. Pretty soon you can get on T and start living.

As LordKat said, talk to your school counsellor etc and get all the help you can lined up.

HUgs

Cindy

you're allowed to go around looking like a guy, but not allowed to come out to people?

i'm just thinking about how ridiculous it would be if parents were to decide whether their child can come out as gay or not. sure, they can halt your entire medical transition, but denying you the right to tell people about yourself just sounds a little too weird to me. "you can look like a freak, but don't you ever tell others you really are one", is what i interpret their actions as the way you described it. i don't think i like that very much.

i'm not sure i should have used such harsh words about it, but i hate it when my mother tries to dictated how i'm supposed to think and and act and speak and...

I'm assuming your parents know to begin with that you're trans?

They can't make you not tell people, or even reasonably expect it. Unless you are known to be a great liar, then when somebody asks you, they may be able to tell quite easily what the answer is regardless of the words you use.

Besides, the can't forbid you from confiding in your friends. That is wrong wrong wrong. It would, if you follow it, effectively shut down what would be one of the most important support networks for anyone struggling with issues such as yours.

I would suggest that you tell your parents that you need to be able to confide in your friends otherwise you will go mad trying to deal with it by yourself on a day to day basis. Then I would also tell them that it is quite likely that people will guess.

If it were me, I would wait to tell them that, until I have been to school for a few days with your new look. You don't want to scare them off allowing you to change.

It's odd, most people have issues with being outted without their permission.

I think if you identify as male, and you want to be male, it's your business who and when you tell anyone you wish.

Your parents can limit your life, but, it isn't their damned life. They pay for the roof over your head, they put the food on the plate and buy the clothes, but it's your life. If they refuse to buy you boy things, that doesn't mean you have to conform to their demands that you act like that which you are not.

I have no trouble telling people I am a woman while wearing my still male wardrobe. I'm happy to tell people 'hey drop a few thousand bucks in my hands and we will go shop and put me in dresses and skirts and get the right lingerie for me right now.

I'd love to walk into Penningtons today and tell the girls, ladies, these clothes need to get replaced, make me an outfit.

Your parents don't need to support you, but they can't live your life forcibly.

Adam, I hope you've been listening carefully especially to the last few posts here. It's a good thing I was on at this time since I've had a LOT going on. Really glad I saw this thread of yours. You'll be able to PM once you reach 15 posts btw and if you haven't already, don't forget to read the new posts to your other thread. 😉 (I saw it on page 3 of here incase you lost it)

Anyway they CANNOT forbid you from telling whoever you wish! Listen to the advice here. If you need to tell someone then tell someone. Also, I've said it before I'll say it again. All of us here who're going through what you're going through knw exactly how you feel and so on, so there's no need to say sorry and you're not confusing us at all. 🙂 I know that when we try to explain our situation to people, it "might" confuse them and they don't know/understand what you're talking about. I know you may feel crazy at time's but you aren't. Hang in there and it's good to hear your parents let you shop and wear male cloths not to mention the hair cut. 😉

Coming out in school is a very difficult thing to do. It's hard to predict how other people may react: you'll find that a lot of people are accepting, but some people may use this as an excuse to bully you. Are you in a good place to deal with that bullying if it happens?

If so, by all means tell people at school. Your parents aren't at your school 24/7; they can advise you but they can't actually control what you say to other people. Perhaps start by telling one or two close, trusted friends to test the water, before deciding whether to go fully public. You could easily just go back to school in boys' clothes with your new haircut and ask people to call you something different - even an androgynous nickname - and in actual fact it is nobody's business why you're dressed the way you're dressed. They'll try to make it their business, but just as your parents can't control what you say, your schoolmates can't make you explain yourself to them either. It's up to you how much (or how little) you tell them.

Once your identity is settled in your mind it's only natural to want to shout it from the rooftops. But coming out anywhere can be uncomfortable. There's that point where you have to explain to various people that you're not actually a girl, and you have to do it repeatedly for the various people who have always thought you were a girl. Those awkward conversations have to be had at some stage, but eventually there comes a time when you're living fully as a male and nobody needs an explanation of your past. If you think that now is the right time for you to have those conversations, then do so.

Your State has laws banning discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, so perhaps it might be a good idea to speak to the school counsellor (or a trusted teacher) so that you can get their full support. It's their job to stop other students from bullying you so make sure they've got your back. If you have your close friends and teachers on your side, it'll be more difficult for other students to pick on you. And it can be wonderfully self-affirming to have them call you by the right name and pronouns. Especially if your family is loathe to do so.

Oh, and yes - pretty much everyone here felt the same way you do at some stage. Don't worry, it's perfectly normal and it gets better. 🙂 Transition is a long, slow process and it is very, very frustrating to be seemingly stuck in the intermediate stages. I think of The Journey as being something like a long-distance train trip: you bought a ticket from your start point to your destination and you want to get there as smoothly and as quickly as possible... but the darn thing keeps stopping at stations along the way to deal with other people (and their baggage) so it takes longer than you'd like it to. Sometimes the train even breaks down and you have to just sit on the tracks going nowhere for a while so an engineer can fix it. But it starts moving again and it does eventually get you to where you need to be.

Good luck.

Full disclosure: when I tried to come out at school I was severely bullied for it, to the extent that I eventually needed to leave the country.

I can understand everyone saying you can 'out' yourself whenever you wish which is totally true. But I'm with FTMdiaries here as well.

I was gang raped at school for being MtF to teach me what being female was like, they were fellow students. OK long time ago and society has changed. I'm also a very strong willed person, I realised that my only chance of survival to be me was to take what I needed from school to be successful. I worked like hell, I escaped not only from that school but also from that country, I used my education to be me, a very strong very happy very normal woman.

JPN may I suggest you do something similar, look to the future, your future as a man in society who can do what he feels like and can be the man of your dreams.

Knuckle down and work like hell and escape!

Just my 5 cents worth

Cindy

i have to agree that you have to be careful, but at the same time, all it takes is one slip of the tounge and you are out. i'm not saying you have to/should out yourself, but there are many people going through transition that have had that happen even outside of school. they made an innocent comment and someone  figured it out and put the rumor mill in action

in high school and similar environments, it will also spread like wild fire when it  happens. and if it's a mistake it's even faster.

something to think about, and it applies to most of life as well. things get out of hand when they are kept a secret. like a candidate for public office, there are things that will be found out, and being up front about it makes it boring. but if it's hidden, then it's something of a secret, and people want to know what the secret is. and if they can't get all the details they might just fill in the blanks themselves.

i would suggest talking to your parents about a therapist to help you out, and letting at least the school counsellor know before something hits the fan would be good idea. it's their job to help protect you, and they can't help if they don't even know what's going on. besides, they are looking at things from a different viewpoint, and they might have the chance to intercept a problem before it even starts.

i just want to say again, be careful, and think about it before you tell anyone.