On Tuesday I woke up feeling like crap. I got out of bed, took my suicide note from my bag and placed it in my pocket and went straight to the kitchen and opened the door. Unfortunately my father had hidden all the sharp knives and all i could find was an incredibly blunt steak knife which was small enough to smuggle to school in my pocket.

Anyway I walked to school with a plan. A plan to kill myself. As soon as I arrived at school I sat down. People could see it in my eyes. Something was wrong. I went to roll call and this girl who I am trying to befriend, Luceille was being mean to me which made me even more upset.

When I went to Mr Wallace's science class and it was time to do a class speech that everyone prepared yesterday about energy sources. I did mine on coal. I put a lot of effort into my project on Monday because I wanted to make my Science teacher proud and Science is one of the last non-elective classes which I still do my best work in. I love science. Anyway, I took my A3 piece of paper from Mr Wallace's desk and started to talk. Mine was very long and I felt like I was about to cry when I presented it. But it was the last thing I was ever going to do so I made it my best. Other students in my class told me mine was crap when mine was a neatly written A3 piece of paper filled with words and information and some of theirs were just a line drawing of a propane canister with a handful of words inscribed around it. I sat down and lay my head on the desk.

When the bell went I walked into the boys toilets and took my knife and note from my pocket. I took off my jumper (it's winter where I live). Anyway, I pulled the knife from my pocket and took the note that was for my only true friend, Tamara and put that on the ground. I lifted up my polo shirt and took out the knife and held it. I tried to stab but I couldn't. I'm such a wimp when it comes to things like that. I'm scared of blood and blood tests are my worst enemy. I planned to cut open my stomach so the acid would burn my insides to death (like what happened in the Davici Code, if you've read that book) but the knife was so blunt and I was so scared I could not do it.

Anyway, I left the toilets and walked over to where the Year 11 people hand out and some boys asked what was wrong. I showed them the knife and said how much of a wimp I was and they took me to the office, despite laughing all the way. The office ladies got up them for laughing and I then sat in a room with Mrs Templeton, my year advisor. She called Mental Health on the phone and then we both talked to the woman over the line. She said I had to go to hospital so Mrs Templeton drove me in her car along with another teacher and then I went to hospital and I saw heaps of Medical professionals and they asked me lots of questions and I had to take my shoes off incase I tried to strangle myself with the laces.

All I had was my phone and clothes and then my dad came to see me and he was really nice to me and my social worker, Shane came and I read him my note. He said I was a good writer and he bets I'm really good at English but I hate English because everyone in that class abuses me and my enemy, Oak, who betrayed me as his only friend over some douchebags is like her favourite student and I hate that because she thinks I'm a distraction to the class and sometimes she even teases me a little because I get critisised in that class and I'm not even bothering with my assignments for her because I hate her.

Anyway, back to the main story, I got to see my social worker and he got me to draw a picture of what I want to look like to pass the time and I drew a woman how I want to look with big boobs and nice face etc. anyway, I don't have the note anymore (my counselor has it) but I want it to give it to Tamara, my only friend. I went home from the hospital with my dad and saw all my family at different points of time in the next few hours and everyone except my mum was really upset because they love me. My mum was just simply angry because i told her I wasn't going to do what I did that day and I spent the next two nights with my grandma Maureen and she dropped me off at school this morning.

Anyway, the girls are being nicer to me and Carly and Tamara said they didn't care if I went to school with make up on but they still think I'm a boy. Anyway things are way better and best of all Shane is going to talk to my parents and maybe I will get to finally dress like a girl after all

Please listen to me Lilyyy.  You have much to live for and you need to remember that.  You may realize that at this moment, but I don't want you to forget.  Honestly, I think you need to look into solving your depression.  Gender Dysphoria is bad, but it's important to take action to solve your depression and anxiety first.  These may stem from the dysphoria, but they are the most important issues to focus on.  You will have plenty of time to live as a physical female in the future.  For now, focus on the mental transition and learn to love yourself and be happy with who you are.   The physical transition will come in time.

On a side note, I hope your parents are taking this seriously and getting you the help you need.   Please don't ever consider doing something so rash in the future.  Remember, you will never get to transition and look the way you hope if you aren't around to do it.  Don't forget that. 

Wishing you the best.

Quite the read there, Lily!

This is interesting, I came to a realization similar to this one a few months back. Oddly enough, that time goes right back to you: it gave me enough strength to help another who was dealing with what I just had. Who would that be? You! What goes around comes around, right?

Back to you, though, don't scare me or us like that; you matter too much to me. Why? You have a really bright future ahead. Sure that sounds like adult speech you all the time. It is, but it is true! As odd as it sounds, think of it this way: The worst of your pain, true, real as it may still be, is over. Mainly because of puberty, and the hardest people to tell in your life, well, know.

Heh, that look when others know...I was told around October last year I looked like I wanted to kill someone; same person asking if I was okay. At that time, no, I was not, my HRT start daye had been moved back a month that day or the previous day. Also, the person I wanted to kill, was true, and did exist; me (at the time, not now). Give people some more credit than we expect, in terms of our emotions, I guess, right?

As for your science paper, they probably were jealous that their papers weren't nearly as good, and they'd have to live up to your super high quality. That or they are playing the guy game of teasing you; both sexes do this, males overtly, us more, well, indirectly.

I am glad you did not do that with the knife! Think how I would feel, the rest of this site, your family, your friends, and, yes, even your teachers would feel if you did such a thing? I'd be devastated, and lose one of the 3 things I live for in my world. Yes. You are one of them, I care that much about your well being. Having been in your shoes with the knife a few months back, aren't you glad didn't do so, looking back? You've made me proud by not stabbing yourself to death.

It's a good thing they saw that note, took you to the hospital...for your safety, mainly. Also, I think this helps your parents know this is not a joke, or phase, this is really you.

And dang it, how do your friends still see you as a guy after all this? Tell them you insist upon and only will respond to Lily. That's one hard, yet effective way to get that message across.

Wishing you much more happiness, breast buds, and a few cute girly outfits really soon! PM me as always if you want to chat, need advice, or just want to vent/need a shoulder.

~Jessica

*hugs*

Hope things get better for you.

School bullying has gotten much worse since I went to school. Please ignore the dicks that tease/harass you, listen to those that care and those that have gone through similar situations. Most of all DON'T KILL YOURSELF, as I have said too many times recently with life comes hope. I really need to get that as a tattoo.

ha thanks guys. p. s. jesstrogen, what were the other 3 things you live for? the bell wnet so i had to rush this a little. the things that caused this are -

my transsexuality
i cannot help it but i wanna be a girl so bad and my parents don't see it as important, won't even let me dress girly.

i'm not in a relationship
i feel worthless when i'm not in a relationship. i want to belong to someone else. it's hard having no-one who will love you and be affecionate. i want a girlfriend but in the mean time i might date a guy because it's easier for someone femm like me and guys and girls, despite what others say, are pretty much the same mentally anyways? i'm not ready right atm and i have really low self esteem but i read somewhere that guys like that (idk why) haven't been asked out yet either but i'm really desperate and would do almost anything for love.

got no friends
this ones nowhere near as bad as the other 2 but it's true. i really wanna have some friends and make youtube videos with them and be like smosh. but more than 2 people. at least 3 mains and heaps of sides would be good. i also want someone who i can hang out with and i can be around. girl or boy i don't care but girls are good coz they like going shopping. and if my mum ever lets me wear female clothes i can go with my friend to the square and my girly stuff together. wow! thats just excatly what i want.

so yeah thanks everyone and jessica you are my role model atm and when i was in hospital i thought of you and how proud you would be of me. love yous all. <3 Lilyyy

Quote from: Lilyyy on August 21, 2013, 11:10:11 PM
i also want someone who i can hang out with and i can be around. girl or boy i don't care but girls are good coz they like going shopping. and if my mum ever lets me wear female clothes i can go with my friend to the square and my girly stuff together. wow! thats just excatly what i want.

Live for this day !!!!

Oh, Lily...

Lily.

That's a beautiful name, you know.  You deserve to hear it.

I wasn't sure that I would be strong enough to read to the end.  The topic is difficult and big blocks of text scare me.  I'm glad I tried.  Your words are electrifying.  You just pulled off a very difficult stream-of-consciousness style which no sane writer tries.

(Well, yes, there are some crazy writers who can do it.  And some who can't.)

You're brave, Lily.  You are so amazingly, impossibly brave, but you probably can't see it.  Let me show you.  I've had digestive problems most of my life, with pretty intense intestinal cramps, nausea, the works.  I figure most people have experienced this sort of thing at least once with food poisoning or a contagious bug.  In short: guts can really hurt, and I'm sure that thought crossed your mind.

Lily, you kept living.  Life is the ultimate act of defiance.  Now, your legend isn't a famous one and maybe it never will be, but it isn't the fame that makes a heroine but her virtue.  Your courage.  It reminds me of a tiny, true legend I heard a couple years ago.

QuoteOne day last winter, I pulled on my boots, buttoned up my coat and went out into the snow to fill the birdfeeder. We kept the seed in a large bucket in the garage and when I went to scoop some out to carry to the feeder, I noticed that the supply was running low. It was dark in the garage and even darker in the bottom of the bucket. I tipped the bucket a little and was startled to hear a faint skittering noise inside. I looked in...a brown field mouse was trapped down at the bottom of the bucket! My first surprised thought was "eek!", quickly followed by "awwww, cute! mousie!" And as I squatted down next to the bucket to get a better look at my new furry friend...

...the mouse growled at me.

It was a small sound, barely audible, and if the world hadn't been so hushed and muffled under its thick blanket of snow, I might not have heard it. I went very still, holding my breath – I heard it again.

Trapped in the bucket and cornered by a large seemingly menacing creature, the tiny mouse, somehow realizing that flight was impossible, decided to fight for its life.

I was so impressed by the mouse's bravery that when I helped it get free, I left it a big pile of seeds on the garage floor and wished it luck.

You're that mouse, Lily.  You won't be able to win every fight.  People are still going to be horrible and let a little bit of confusion and discomfort on their part justify their words and actions.  But don't you ever think you're not brave enough to try.

You're going to make things better.

Lily, do you know why I keep using your name?  (I do hope it's your name...)  Because you haven't heard it nearly enough.  I used to get really bad moments of depersonalization, when I was surprised to remember who I am.  I imagine you feel something like that every time someone uses your given name.  That's why.

The next few days are going to be very hard.  When word of your suicide attempt gets out, all hell will break loose.  Kids are going to be incredibly cruel.  (At your age, people are the cruelest they will ever be.)  You will need every scrap of courage you have and every crumb of kindness you can get.

They will call you names.  Manipulate them.  Being crazy has it's privileges, see, and if they're going to call you names, they should at least call you yours.

All it should take is, "My name is Lily," quiet yet stubborn.  Your friends and allies - anyone who's not a total jerk, actually - deserve a bit more of an explanation.  That it makes you happy to hear it, and you need all the little kindness you can get.  It would make you even happier if they could say "Her name is Lily."  But if they can't because of what people would think, you understand.

Quote from: Lilyyy on August 21, 2013, 11:10:11 PM
i wanna be a girl

No.  You already are a girl.  It's not your fault you've missed out on the lessons or that no one's helped you understand what that means.  It's not your fault you've let them get to you and make you doubt who you are.

Boys don't consider killing themselves for being boys.  Also, I don't get this attached to guys.

To be clear, I prefer to be really open with my feelings for people.  I'm obsessed with you at the moment, but it's because you're pushing my "big brother must protect little sister" buttons.

Quotei feel worthless when i'm not in a relationship. ...

NO. 

Once more, so that I'm clear:  NO. 

"I want to belong to someone else."  "I want a girlfriend."  No one specific?  Okay, I know you're young and all, but that is not how love works.  Because, and this is very important, nobody wants to be "the girlfriend" or "the boyfriend."  If you try to turn a real human being into abstract dressing for your psychic wounds, one of two things will happen:

- against all odds, you fall in love with the real person.  They're not what you thought you wanted, but it's okay because love
- far more likely, they will figure it out and either reject you or use you.  You both deserve better.

Both sexes are similar in... wanting sex, but otherwise (romantically, interpersonally) very different.  Usually.  Says the genderqueer guy.     (Physical differences are nothing in comparison.)

Quote
got no friends

Well, and this is my advice for romance as well (only because I can only get attracted to my friends), there are people out there who need you.  You might not know who they are yet, but there are.  So get looking.

And when you need kindness (everyone needs kindness) ask for it.


You're okay, Lily.  There's nowhere to go now but up.

Lily,

You have friends.  Everyone here cares about you.  And you will make many more in your life. Believe me, if I could tell my teenage self what I knew know, I would be smacking myself for being so silly. 

Everyone desire love and romance.  It will come in time.  Right now there is one special relationship you have and someone you need to give all of your love to.  I'm talking about yourself.  Romance will come, but you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.  That's an important step.

As other's have said, if you identify as a girl, you are a girl.  Right now, you are going through the mental part of your transition.  As difficult as it is, please try to focus on that part and don't worry so much about the physical aspects.  I understand why you do, but it isn't everything and you will have plenty of time to think about that in the near future.

Are you going to a therapist?  Is your family getting you treatment?  I really hope so. 

I live in a country where the suicide rate is one of highest in the world.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_OECD_countries_by_suicide_rate

School bullying and suicide is so much common here, and I always thank my son for enduring the hardship.

http://world.time.com/2013/03/17/south-korea-rattled-by-suicide-of-bullied-teen/

My son has threatened me to suicide several times.
Any life is difficult, and sometimes seemingly hopeless and meaningless.

barbie~~

Quote from: musicofthenight on August 22, 2013, 01:25:00 AM

Quotei feel worthless when i'm not in a relationship. ...

NO. 

Once more, so that I'm clear:  NO. 

"I want to belong to someone else."  "I want a girlfriend."  No one specific?  Okay, I know you're young and all, but that is not how love works.  Because, and this is very important, nobody wants to be "the girlfriend" or "the boyfriend."  If you try to turn a real human being into abstract dressing for your psychic wounds, one of two things will happen:

- against all odds, you fall in love with the real person.  They're not what you thought you wanted, but it's okay because love
- far more likely, they will figure it out and either reject you or use you.  You both deserve better.

Both sexes are similar in... wanting sex, but otherwise (romantically, interpersonally) very different.  Usually.  Says the genderqueer guy.     (Physical differences are nothing in comparison.)

This! and another point to make...

QuoteI want to belong to someone else.

Human beings are social animals, but needing to belong to someone else is generally not healthy and the relationships found while you are in that state are not going to be fulfilling in the way you need.  There is a great deal to be said about being able to live with yourself prior to attempting to share your life with someone else. 

That said, belonging to a community on the other hand is hugely important to humans and chances are you have a multitude of options for finding that.  You have been now pulled through the mental health system in your area and have been exposed to a great number of people who generally have chosen their job out of a extreme desire to help those who are struggling through life.  Use those people to locate others like yourself in your area to share your story with.  You aren't the first to go through this and shouldn't have to go through this alone.

Keep your chin up girl, you can do this. You've been through a lot and will no doubt become a stronger person. Don't ever let anyone bring you down, be who you're meant to be. Trust me this is the perfect time for you to focus on yourself. Focus on getting yourself better, trust me you will . Have yourself a good talk with your parents so that you can start transitioning, hopefully they will indeed see this for what it is. What is most important is your happiness and trust me you will find it and in time you will be fully accepted

Hey, I do not post on this site all that much but I have from time to time for quite a while.

Anyway I just wanna say screw that (because expletives are not allowed) suicide s***. You are not going to make yourself happy by killing yourself not ever, not now, and no how. Do not even consider it. I wish I was as strong as you when I was at school to tell people how I felt. But I was not, I went for hedonism instead, I hid myself behind drugs and alcohol and it got me through but at the same time got me nowhere, I was not ready to admit to anyone how I really felt even though people knew something was wrong.

Be proud you are willing to say how you feel, to tell your parents what you want when others in your position couldn't. Make happen what you want to happen when others in your shoes were too scared to do so. Make your life a life worth living, for yourself and no one else.

I wish I was as brave as you are when I was your age. Even if I never risked my life.

Hugs,

Keep the lines of communication open and talk frequently with your counselor and parents.

Bullies are bad enough but having low self esteem in addition is really tough. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please don't hurt yourself. 

*hugs*

My breaking moment came after a "soft" suicide attempt about 9 months ago. Wasn't a "this will 100% get the job done" suicide attempt, but more of a "I truly don't care anymore" moment where I knowingly mixed a lot of pills while drinking.

Being that low sucks hun, but things CAN get better. Baby steps. They cover a lot of ground to a better place

ha thanks guys

As a retired paramedic (28) years I have run a lot of suicides and attempts. I can tell you from personal, being there experience that out of those still alive when I arrived at scene, 8 out of 10 regretted their decision when the finality hit them. Some I saved, some I could not. Suicide is not the answer. I have the scared, defeated and regret filled faces of those people in my mind forever. There are a lot of good, honest and genuine people here for you 24/7. Right now concentrate on your studies so that you can become an educated, respected and successful member of your community. Everything else WILL fall into place. It really will! Take care and talk to us about your bad and good days. BIG HUG!!