Quote from: White Rabbit on August 20, 2013, 04:24:42 PM
I often question whether I should be looking at transitioning. Some days its like I'm not dysphoric enough to be trans. But mostly it is the fear of having to tell my best friend.
We have had another friend that transitioned and my friend doesn't react well when we discuss him (there are other issues that might be clouding his judgement). I fell that there will be a very good chance at loosing him as a friend and because he would be the lynch pin for me keeping in touch with my other friends I think I will loose them as well. It's not the thought of loosing my friends that bothers me, Ive packed up and left my old life behind before. It is that my friend will be disappointed in me that hurts.

As for my libido I need to keep that in check, right now I want to go through the proper channels for transitioning but when the libido takes over self medicating seems like just the thing.

I know what it's like to be afraid of telling a best friend. But I know that If I knew I had to transition I would leave everyone behind If I had to.

I've had a few days (literally, three total) where I thought I didn't want to transition anymore. Not because I don't want it, just because it would be so easy to just switch to pretending to be female. People wouldn't stare at me and wonder what gender I am, I wouldn't practically have an anxiety attack every time I went out in public due to not binding, I'd save tens of thousands of dollars, I could start living life and not feel so "stuck" all the time...

But then I remember what it was like before I started transitioning. As messed up as my life is now, what with being stuck in-between genders for an indeterminable amount of time (money issues), it's still better than living as a "she." Yes, right now I'm sort of just "stuck," but at least I'm not headed in the complete opposite direction of where I want to go. It's not exactly progress, but it's not complete failure, either.

(note: I'm talking about me and my experience. In no way do I equate any pre-transition people to be "failures." No offense intended to anyone.)

I get it every now and then - but then I remember that I would regret each day that I don't transition or least remain on HRT even more.

I did try to de-transition because I fell in love with a straight girl and because of how expensive it was, but when I broke up - I just could not continue with not being on HRT or not transitioning anymore. That girl is now my best friend and I still love her as a sister.

When I get these feelings of wanting to stop transitioning I often need to think what's causing these feelings. If it's just something temporary because of a bad day or it something deeper? If it's just because of someone else that stopping transitioning is a bad idea since the feelings of dyphoria never really go away.

If I decide to stop it should be because either I really need to or because it's what's best for me or when I am satisfied and happy with my current stage of transitioning and no longer want to move any forward or if it's better for me to stop than to continue. So far I feel that I rather die than stop but that's just my opinion.

I have not had a day I did not want to transition.  I had days I feel more odd (like when I go to the beach) and I see all the people and my mind goes into hyper dysphoria. I doubt I can ever pass and remember being young (I usually get numb in my mind).

Less sex drive is a blessing. Self stimulation is a dysphoric mental event. Sex with others was blank. Now I am learning to visualize and see myself and the other person and enjoy the event.

Hormones had helped quiet my mind but sometimes I just want to be left alone (me leave me alone). There are two sex personalities and now there is 1 dominant.

I never had a day I didn't want to transition and I've never had a single regret ever since. I did however, as others have said, have bad days when everything seemed hopeless and it felt as if I was trying to gain flight by flapping my arms. This happened the most in the very beginning but about a year in it stopped. I made it through by ignoring my fears and just go like hell all the time (I finished my whole transition from start to finish in less than 2 1/2 years).

It is not like not wanting to transition, but at times my emotions become too overwhelmed and I am thinking about whether I could just go on as normal male person. Those close to me confessed that I had been very convincing in my role - though there were things which I could never pull off - but there are also a lot of men with their own insecurities (hah, I believe all of them have something under their skin... though they would never acknowledge that) I gave serious consideration to this and I have to admit that in its essence that was a lie and it would remain so if I continued to play this life-long role-playing game. I have never felt so relieved as after I started the HRT and felt its effects on me. Yet, I have never felt to sad too... not about me, but how my decisions affected and will continue to affect others. If only I could make everyone happy, but it seems impossible – it is either/or.

"Anybody ever get a day where they think they don't want to transition?"

Every morning when I wake up and have to confront the entire view in the mirror while getting a bath, and confront the magnitude of how much of job it is going to be to get rid of the view.

As I see it, it is like looking at a pick up truck that has been in a front end collision, and someone has asked me to repair it so it looks like a porsche.

Are you bloody insane?

I have those moments when I question myself how successful my transition will be in the end and if all of this will be worth it. 

These doubts immediately disappear when I ask myself if I want to go back to trying to live as "him".

Quote from: ErinM on August 21, 2013, 10:27:35 AM
These doubts immediately disappear when I ask myself if I want to go back to trying to live as "him".

This is how I knew transitioning was the only option going forward (opposite gender of course). After knowing transition was possible, I had no idea what a future with a female me would look like, other then the fact it would be bleak and full of anxiety.

I refer to Emily's comments - sums me up in one word - "ditto!"
Andrea

Yeah I kinda have days where I don't want to transition. But it's not because I don't want to transition it's because I look at all the costs associated with transition and the all the hoops I must jump through. They are so many days were I just wish I could be gay and forget about this whole transition thing. But the truth is I'm not a man so just wishing I could stay one for convenience sake is not going to work for me. So I'm stuck with all the high costs and stress involved with transitioning. Because I have yet to find a compromise in my life that works and doesn't involve transitioning. 

Wow. Just wow. Thank you all of you for posting these statements. I can't quote any of you because I've been feeling like all of you have throughout the past few months. Eh, the whole "pre-transition jitters" thing. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy to think I can even pull this off. Then I realize that I'm not crazy. Nah, I am just myself, and that is all that matters. But it is just so reassuring to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. It makes me realize now that I'm not alone, and that makes me feel better. So thank you all of you. Stay strong. Be yourselves. I'm proud of you for fighting for it. I know it isn't easy, but you can do it. Never give up, and never surrender.

I feel there is a consensus here: not transitioning is not an option because I am a woman (or a man for the FtMs).  It's like the question about gender dysphoria.  I don't have that - I did when I was trying to live as a man, but not now.  There is some body dysphoria because I'm not right physically, but that can be dealt with.

I swing back and forth between "heck no! that's a terrible idea" and "why not? and who cares what other people think!" depending on which insecurities I'm dealing with that day. The "why not?" thinking feels right and it has undeniably allowed me to be happier and has allowed me to let go of some self destructive behavior. But on the "heck no!" days the familiarity of the life i've known for 50 years calls to me, and it seems a little late in my life to be contemplating such a big change.

So.... I have been on the slow road to transition for about the past 4 years. That plan seems tolerable and workable so I'm going to stick with it.

Hey knock off that "a little late in my life" business or it will be handbags at dawn!  If I can do it you can.

Every now and then I'll feel something like this.

Hesitance, I guess, mostly toward top surgery. I start wondering if I could be happy as I am, but remind myself of the reasons why I want to transition in the first place. And then I look in the mirror, and get that, yeah, this body doesn't look right for me, and it doesn't *feel* right to me.
It's an obvious physical change, and I know I won't want to go back after getting it done - but I imagine how I'd look and feel after the act and my heart gets a bit lighter.

*Sigh* For me, there are always going to be fears and thoughts keeping me back, but once I remind myself who I am and why I want to transition, those hold a lot less ground.

Yes I've had those days, I think most of us have. Transition is hard and there is so much uncertainty and dangers involved. I consider myself having it pretty easy and its still a daunting experience.

dreams, I'm at that point where I am finding it very difficult not to pick up the phone and call an escort.
The problem is, I know full well that if I do, I will not be able to perform the act.
It doesn't change that desire though and it makes me feel very male. I find myself wishing that I could be a 100% working male so I can do the nasty, but that would mean denying the vast majority of other things that make me who I am.

I feel like there is another element to it though. since I have already become happy with the idea that I am a girl, I feel  a sense of peace and relax. that feeling of relaxation, can be deceptive and make me think  I am ok as I am. it's because I am not looking at my body and thinking "urgh". But I am sure that if I started to lift weights and pose all manly in the mirror, it wouldn't be long before I started to feel violently ill.

Quote from: Yuki-jker86 on August 22, 2013, 07:29:33 PM
dreams, I'm at that point where I am finding it very difficult not to pick up the phone and call an escort.
The problem is, I know full well that if I do, I will not be able to perform the act.

Well, the HRT is going to take care of Your "horny" side Be strong!

There are days when I feels like I do not want to go ahead with it, there are days when I just feels fine for some time, but as soon as see myself in the mirror I realize that there is something really wrong with how I am living my life right know ("male"). Part of the hardest things of the early stages of transition is figuring things out, having some clarity about things. I know I want to be a woman, that I am female, but this knowledge has come in pieces over time, and I have had to put the puzzle together. That is why I still have days when I have doubts, but these days are getting further apart. And although I still see male in the mirror, if a close my eyes I can then see the real me. I hope one day I will not have to close my eyes for that.