Hello all who didn't see my intro thread when I made it so long ago,

I meant to talk more on this board when I first joined, but life has been complete crap lately.

First, let me tell you about myself since I'm guessing most of you don't know about me:

My name is Elliot. I'm genetically a male but in general, I'm not sure where I fall on the gender spectrum.  Right now I identify as Gender Fluid.  My thing is I fantasize about the act of transformation.  I fantasize about the feeling of transformation come over me in a matter of minutes rather than Months or years it would actually take.  It's always Male to Female transformation as well.  But the thing is my gender is always in constant flux.  I worry that if I transitioned I would just be wanting to do it again or be left empty because I had nothing more to look forward to.  My other issues is I identify as a lesbian, because when I have sexual fantasies I'm always a woman with at least one other woman.  I also play a woman over the phone for a couple phone sex characters as my one and only source of income.  So I'm constantly reminded of what I want to transform into.  And I'm attracted to women who like other women because I want to be that other woman for them.  Again the idea of transitioning bounces around in my head Yes I do because I want those femme curves that lesbians are attracted to, No I don't because I feel like a man outside of a sexual relationship.  Yes I do because  I tried crossdressing and holy crap I was hot!  No I don't because my family told me if I was going to come home as a woman I might as well not come home at all.  It's all a very sad and confusing time. I'm sorry it appears as if my train of thought bounces around several different tracks in that paragraph.

I'll admit I just started trying crossdressing in early July, and have been wanting to get into it more.  I was so pleased that it made me think I didn't need to transition in order to attract women who were attracted to the feminine form.  But a week ago My Ex, and best friend, fell ill, and she's now in a coma.  So depression hits,  It hit me so hard that I've stopped working, which is really bad because I'm broke and rent is due soon.  And it's also made me feel depressed about not having the curves I want,  Even if I worked for them outside of using estrogen. 

I tried searching online for therapy here in Seattle, specifically I was thinking of using my VA benefits if possible.  Do any of you know if that's possible?  because I don't have any insurance outside of that.  Or do any of you know of any good resources that will find affordable psychiatrists?

I appreciate your response and  if I get angry, just know that's it's not you, I'm just frustrated. 

I would correct you, but I don't know myself, which is why I'm looking for therapy.  I'm aware of my feelings, but not aware of most of the terms beyond the main three when it comes to gender, Male, Female, or Trans.  I'm aware now that there are many different definitions and conditions out there. But I don't want to be labeled or diagnosed until I actually sit down with someone and have them explain to me what is going on with me. 

Frustration has hit me like a ton of bricks these past couple weeks.  Another thing about my female side,  It's like my inner hulk.  As a man, I'm shy, weak, I think human doormat comes to mind, but when I let my feminine side out she's psychologically strong, confident, and very very sexy.  And who wouldn't want to be that forever?  So when all this bad stuff starts happening I start thinking about transitioning and being her, because she would handle these problems with ease.  but now you're telling me I can never be her and it frustrates and irritates me even more.  But even if you were to tell me that I'd be a great candidate for transition I'd still be frustrated because i'd want a professional to walk me through it.  So that I can do it safely.  I've heard of people self medicating, but I've also heard that that can be stupid dangerous if done the wrong way.  So mostly I just want to be safe with my psyche and body.  And find the proper channels to help me progress into a happy lifestyle.

-L

I kinda know what you are going through and am pretty much at the same stage of trying to understand myself.  I'm currently trying to evaluate my feelings towards 3 possible paths.  Mostly for me this centers around decoupling feelings of sexual excitement from thoughts of appearing or being female.  If I can separate the 2 things, then I know that there is a more deep rooted gender issue as opposed to just some level of excitement.

• Crossdressing - Is it simply the clothes that I'm interested in?  Clothing is a social construct and doesn't necessarily reflect my gender identity.  Do I like the clothes, or do I like the way the clothes make me look?  Is the excitation I feel when dressing due to my early experiences with it being mostly autoerotic?
• Autogynaphelia - I see this as the path of wanting to role play the woman in sexual situations and being content with that.  Do i want to appear female for myself, or do I want to present as female for others?  Can I separate sexual excitement and still feel content?
• MTF transistion - Do I still feel not quite complete?  How would I feel if my libido dissipated?  How would I feel if my current parts stopped functioning properly?  How would I feel about my friends/family/coworkers seeing me as female?