Don't be afraid to give a solid, "no." Some men just don't get it unless you very clearly reject them.

Well I did say no but it prolly wasn't forceful enough. I have a real problem being too nice and worry about hrting people's feelings. Like today i was talking to my BF and I was telling him about this friend(?) I have and she won't hang out with me unless I have money and buy her drinks AND give her gas money. And it's more gas money then to just cover picking me up. I could understand that. But the last time I talked to her she lept buggin me to ask my mom to give me money so we could hang out. The thing is she probably has money. She just wants to use it on her. And my BF said stop calling her your friend she is a lowlife. And he's right cause I offered for her to come over my house and my mom had beer we could drink and she wouldn't come over because "she wants to go out." I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I could understand buying her drinks once in awhile but having to pay for all of em. No. Now that I have my BF I don't hang out with her. She rarely calls only when she is not busy. But then id she needs to talk she rings my phone off the hook.

The point is I have trouble telling her listen You never buy me drinks. I mean plus I am not even a guy anymore. I am hormonally a woman. And I look like a woman. I don't look like a man at all. So I mean it's not like I am trying toget into her pants. heck i made out with her once and that was because she jumped all over me. She does this with everyone though. But I can't be mean. I'm a nice girl. That is the good thing lately I am really starting to view myself as a woman. I was having trouble with that but I really view myself this way now.

But I guess my problem is not being able to be mean. Or just be forceful. i am to worried about hhurting people's feelings. I have always been like this. I aim to please lol and with my boyfriend it's on my knees! heheheh I love being a woman!

Joanna, sorry but I just have to be blunt with this.

Please, stop acting like a girl with those men and Your toxic girlfriend and start acting instead like a lady . I understand very well that You are going through this second puberty (I am pretty much 100% sure I know what You mean when You say this and that, because umm.. I have the same atm), but... we both are in our 30-ties (of course, You have a positive advantage over me here , but that imposes certain standards and obligations, including behaviour and manners . Trust me, You can be that cold blooded, no-nonsense bi..ch and THIS CAN BE FUN TOO . Besides, guys are going to feel that with their guts and keep their hands away of You. Just like a makeup it is a matter of practice, but once You got it, it comes out pretty natural (just as everything else, including giggles and whatnot )

cis-straight privilege:
#umpteen and one - at some point growing up, someone gave me a gender-appropriate crash course in the breeding behaviors of our species with emphasis on personal safety and reproductive success.

Unwanted, intentional physical contact is never okay.  Accidental contact without immediate apology isn't acceptable either.  Also, this should a no-victim-blaming zone.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on August 21, 2013, 11:51:40 PM
It was just a little pinch really.

No not really.



So, someone's going to have to explain the linkage rule to me.  I'd like to personally recommend Kathy Jackson's Cornered Cat (dot com).  It's a site and a book about practical self-defense from a female perspective.  She is pro-gun, enthusiastically so, and I understand that isn't an option for everyone, but her articles on mindset, well... she convinced me.  At a time in my life where I was trying pretty desperately (pathetically) to be macho, true, but hers were the arguments that stuck with me.

Quote from: -Emily- on August 22, 2013, 01:42:12 AM
we both are in our 30-ties (of course, You have a positive advantage over me here , but that imposes certain standards and obligations, including behaviour and manners . Trust me, You can be that cold blooded, no-nonsense bi..ch and THIS CAN BE FUN TOO . Besides, guys are going to feel that with their guts and keep their hands away of You. Just like a makeup it is a matter of practice, but once You got it, it comes out pretty natural (just as everything else, including giggles and whatnot )

I really don't think I can be like that. And more then that, I don't want to be. I like who I am. I like being nice. I like being generous. It is in my very nature. And even if I wanted to be cold-blooded, I really couldn't do that without sacrificing core aspects of my personality that I hold dear. I don't like being a door mat, and I am working on that, but one of things that is really attractive about me, is how pleasent a person I am. I'm an emptathtic, kind, sweet woman and I really don't think I should change that because I run into creepos every now and then. I should re-read the Good Girl's Guide to Negotiating. It was written by a woman just like me to teach others how to be more forceful without becoming a biotch. I do appreciate your advice. I really do. It's just not me. I've always been like this. I used to write these newspapers when I was like 10 and I read them I realized that I have always been this person. the whole thing was about cheering on my friends and supporting them and helping them see that they have great qualities. But I will try to find a middle ground. Being too forceful just doesn't work for me either as I am 5'5 but really 5'4 and 128 lbs. I'm absolutely tiny.

Quote from: musicofthenight on August 22, 2013, 02:07:14 AM
I'd like to personally recommend Kathy Jackson's Cornered Cat (dot com).  It's a site and a book about practical self-defense from a female perspective.  She is pro-gun, enthusiastically so, and I understand that isn't an option for everyone, but her articles on mindset, well... she convinced me.  At a time in my life where I was trying pretty desperately (pathetically) to be macho, true, but hers were the arguments that stuck with me.

I will read that. Thanks you so much!

Joanna, I did not imply that You dont have to be open, sweet and caring. This all is actually about boundaries, setting them firmly and maintaining with a smile. In my official capacity I often have to participate in working groups and meetings, where at least 50% of attendants are men and they like to clash horns almost about everything. Of course, they see me as male and maybe that adds some privilege to what I am saying to them – but I do get interrupted and that annoys me as much as any other girl – but the way I talk with them is not the confrontation, but rather subtle manipulation. First, I make impression that I agree with what they said in general – it usually softens them up and they feel appreciated and then I go, point by point, indicating where they have been wrong – not trying to insult them or show them as morons (sometimes they are though...). If I would have to deal with someone on the street, I would, of course, omit the smile, because that would be seen as some sort of encouragement, but I would not flip them off either. It would be an attitude like: ,,So, what is Your problem (I just shift their mind into situation that they DO have a problem and ask them to start thinking about that) and why I am supposed to even be here and talking to You?" If they reply that they do not have any problems, then I would say ,,Oh, nice! I am really happy for You (a bit of irony here). Neither do, I! Take care" and just go away. Then reach for Your cell phone and pretend that I am dialling a number – or wave at someone on the street, like I just saw an aquaintaince and just head away from the guy. It can be very subtle, simple and cold-blooded .

Quote from: Joanna Dark on August 21, 2013, 11:51:40 PM

I just don't understand how this keeps happening. I dealth with it a lot better today. And besides him grabbing my butt it was just a man being a man.

I felt the need to state something.  This was not a man being a man...  this was a douchebag being an ->-bleeped-<- and violating your personal space without consent.  Any man who feels justified in those kinds of actions deserves to have the cops called on him.

Edit; should be anyone also, douchebaggery is not limited to only men, just far more prevalent.

Quote from: Murbella on August 23, 2013, 06:45:00 AM
I felt the need to state something.  This was not a man being a man...  this was a douchebag being an ->-bleeped-<- and violating your personal space without consent.  Any man who feels justified in those kinds of actions deserves to have the cops called on him.

Edit; should be anyone also, douchebaggery is not limited to only men, just far more prevalent.

No idea whats going on in this topic, but I am going to have to agree with Murbella that anyone who behaves like this is a pleb, and you shouldn't give them a chance but that is me.

Quote from: Murbella on August 23, 2013, 06:45:00 AM
I felt the need to state something.  This was not a man being a man...  this was a douchebag being an ->-bleeped-<- and violating your personal space without consent.  Any man who feels justified in those kinds of actions deserves to have the cops called on him.

Edit; should be anyone also, douchebaggery is not limited to only men, just far more prevalent.

Amen!

Quote from: Catalina on August 12, 2013, 03:16:30 AM
I first loved the attention, but I realised that it was also taking away from my own personal focus. At the start we may desire that validation, but eventually and essentially, that validation will come from ourselves and that made me a stronger woman. For me if I am just not interested, I would just look the other way if some man is gazing at me. OR if they ARE staring at me in interest, I look at them and that causes them some awkwardness.

Yes, Catalina. That is what I have learned so far. Usually people respect me whether they recognize me as a man or a woman. When wearing 5 inch heels, my height look like 6 feet and 5 inch (196 cm), and very few men dare to speak to me. But some people try to joke or speak to me when I run for exercise while wearing short pants. This happened to me even in foreign countries. I just ignore them. Some of my friends, regardless of their gender, touch my legs when they are drunken. No sexual intention, and I think it is just for curiosity.

Joanna, you seem to live in a dangerous place. I would not like and live a place where I should consider learning self-defense.

barbie~~

Quote from: barbie on August 23, 2013, 01:37:17 PM
Joanna, you seem to live in a dangerous place. I would not like and live a place where I should consider learning self-defense.

Yeah the majority of this stuff happens when I am in a not-so-good neighborhood, Kensington. I unfortunately have to go there sometimes and this is where the majority of things like this happening. I am going to try and take Emily's advice and become more forceful and stren with men when this happens. Going to the police isn't an option as they are more concerned with all the murdering and robbery and heroin dealing then some randomwoman getting her ass grabbed. Plus, I really don't enjoy outing myself if I don't have to. If he grabbed my breasts, that would be a whole different thing. It isn't right in any event and I know that, but I just don't know how to handle these situations. I imagine stuff like this happens at bars too so I need to learn how to deal with it. I may ask my sister in law as she is model pretty so I am sure she has been approached by forward men before.

Again, flirting is fine.  Sexual harassment, stalking and making lewd comments in public is not.  You can be a sweet girl 99 percent of the time, but you can't be passive in these moments.  If a guy grabs you or follows you, make a scene.  It's better to feel a little embarrassed and safe than being harmed.  And any guy that introduces himself by making vile sexual remarks deserves to be put down.  I can understand feeling bad rejecting a nice guy, but this is a different story.  Believe me, every single other girl is going to respond negatively towards being told how they were going to get their brains f***** out.  You won't look weird for having a hostile reaction.   

Unfortunately/Fortunately I don't have this problem, 99% of men wouldn't touch me with a bargepole or even think about thinking flirting with me, unless seriously inebriated. Walk around everywhere fast, listen to music, look focused on where you're going and it'll make you a lot less approachable, if that's the desired effect - believe me, I'm an expert at repelling men 

Quote from: Oriah on August 12, 2013, 01:00:21 AM
the words "Don't touch me!" have always served me well

LOL! I had to resort to that one just recently.