ALRIGHT, this is gonna be pretty long so brace yourseves guys
my name is sam, i'm a teen, but before you go and assume things let me just explain myself okay
every since the day i was born i have always leaned towards boys things, always
but my family pressured me into girls things, i remember every morning when my mom would dress me up i would cry until she put on the least girliest thing i owned on me and when she put bows or clips in my hair i would flush them down the toilet at school
and then when my mom started letting me dress myself, i demanded her buy me boys clothes and boys toys and just everything guys
and of course it wasn't a big deal to her then, she considered it cute, i was only 8
so there i was, i wore boxers and rode skateboards up until the asses at school came into the situation
it got to a point where when i went to go to the bathroom, they would grab me and throw me around like a ping pong ball from the girls bathroom to the boys back and forth and it sucked alright
and then at my elementary school graduation, while i was walking across the stage to get my diploma a kid yelled out "MANLADY!" and i swear to god that name still haunts my brain at night
SO when middle school started i decided to give in and dress like a girl, and i wore makeup and girls fitted clothing, leggings and everything but i did come out as bisexual and i felt absolutely disgusting
it was the most uncomfortable thing i have ever experienced like i truly felt like a 200 pound hairy male wrestler trying to fit into little girls clothes and i couldn't stand it, and that went on for about a year and half until around december of 2012 i went insane because much more was going on in my head then just dysphoria so i had to spend 2 weeks in a mental hospital and while i was there i was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder which is schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and major depression all in one and you can only just imagine how terrible that is, right?
BUT when i got out, a very special girl helped me come out of my shell and i finally just said screw you to everyone and got rid of all of my female things and completely replaced it all back with mens
and when i came out to my therapist, she explained some things to me and that was when i realized that i am a transgender
i haven't gotten my mom to accept it yet, she doesn't believe me which i don't understand in the slightest since she even used to cal me her little boy back when i was 8 lol and she drags me through the girls section whenever we go to a store and she just won't stop, even online shopping all she'll do is point out the most feminine things to me like "ooh this would look so good on you with that hourglass body of yours" and "YOU ARE NOT A BOY!" and she accepts the fact that i like girls, but she won't realize that i'm a GUY and she won't let me buy a binder, so i had my dad secretly buy me ace bandage since he couldn't get the binder, he accepts me 90%, he just doesn't want me to be an ftm, he says things like "i totally understand you're a boy but you can't really make yourself into one, you could just be a very butchy lesbian" but i don't know, he's always up for whatever i want so he's not a problem
did i also mention he's my step-dad?
and my mom is actually extremely bipolar and abusive?
fun, right?
but that doesn't have to do with gender haha
so now here i am just waiting and waiting for the day i get to just be who i am
it's just so hard guys, like
i can't take any clothing off without crying
i can't take a shower without crying
no matter how much i bind my chest always looks enormous to me because i have a HIGHLY feminine body, it just reeeally sucks
my hips are huge and my thighs are thick as hell and my legs are short and stubby and my butt is the size of texas, i can't find any pants that don't get stuck in my butt and my breasts are c's and they're so weirdly shaped, like they aren't normal at all so they always stick out so matter what
I AM JUST VERY STRESSED OUT OKAY and i'm super super lonely because all of my friends left me and nobody ever talk to me anymore and i lost that very special girl because of my own disorders and it just really sucks
and that's about it
p.s., i'm still trying to figure out this website
it's being super super complicated for me and it's not letting me reply to anything so i apologize for that
thank you (:
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