I just don't know how to put it but some times I look at myself in the mirror and see the resounding unfeminine features I have such as wide shoulders that completely eclipse my hips... or my enormous neck or even my gigantic muscular thighs. I see a hideous monster that I feel nobody should even want to be seen with; I walk around trying to hide these things but it's so hard and I just look paranoid.

I don't know maybe I am maybe I'm not; but don't get me wrong I want nothing more in this life than to start hrt but I also realize that hrt doesn't work miracles and things like my stupid long neck or my wide shoulders will never truly go away and I don't want to be pegged while walking down the street or in public. I either want to be accepted as a woman or just keep being transsexual to people I care about and just act like who I am.

But hating what I see is what scares me the most about everything because I know some of the things I hate I can't change. Sometimes it feels like bottling everything up... was easier.

Allison,
Do you want to know a secrets Cis females come is all shapes and sizes. Some have large or small heads. Some have large or small arms. Some have large or small hips. There is not any 2 alike. or maybe twins but there also is some differences.. So do not tell any of the Cis females you know this fact, it might give them a complex. LOL.......
Point i am tring to make is that you will be you. As with anyone, things will just not be as we want but is that a reason to keep things stuffed?

Embrace who you are and stop caring what others might think.

Izzy

The thing that really gets me; is that I've lived my ENTIRE live pretty much under the radar. I'm pretty sure nobody would know I even exist if it weren't for beyond eccentric personality and over the top mouth, so I've never really cared. But I KNOW I'm going to get looks if I start hrt and it's something that worries me because for 22 years it's something I've never had to worry about.

Literally for 22 years; I have lived like that and I just don't know how I'm gonna handle it.

I was 38 when i started HRT, was 43 almost 44 when i went full time and started my RLT in 2005. and just this year had my GCS.

Its up to you what you want. No one knows more then you what is right or wrong. But if you do stay this path you have to not care what others think if you want to survive. You can find flaws in anyone if you care to look.

Izzy

I guess I should assume everyone is like me, a machine whose sole purpose is to notice things wrong in everything. Guess it comes with having ADHD and OCD... oh well; I guess I just expect too much out of the world.

One of the things my gender therapist asked me to do was go somewhere there is a lot of people. Find a place somewhere you can watch them and see what they do (i went to the mall). See how many difference there are in people and see how many look at each other in passing. Only thing i did find was men are pigs when it comes to young girls.

Doing that got me over the fear of what others might think.
Izzy

You do realize what you're telling me to do? Telling an introvert to leave her house; and engulf myself in social activity without my friends. NONSENSE! But I guess I could try
Just go into the college one day on my day off and just observe people... that sounds a lot creepier than it probably is.

Quote from: Allison on August 24, 2013, 11:16:26 PM
You do realize what you're telling me to do? Telling an introvert to leave her house; and engulf myself in social activity without my friends. NONSENSE! But I guess I could try
Just go into the college one day on my day off and just observe people... that sounds a lot creepier than it probably is.

You need not change your daily routine just to try what Izzy suggested. If you're surrounded by friends while at college, then wait until your break times and see how things go when you're in a crowd heading out for lunch. I used to be at college here in the U.K., so I know what it's like to be in a crowded place with friends on a daily basis. I only just found out yesterday what introvert and extrovert were. I took a quick online test and found out that I am an introvert, much like yourself. I don't actually mind crowds too much. I find that being in a crowd makes me more alert to my surroundings and heightens my awareness of myself at which point I feel more like the real me.

I hope the rest of your weekend is stress free and that you can return to college without too much fear.

Chris

I have 10 minutes in between classes hardly enough time to immerse myself into the culture xD

Ah, I see. I'm sure you'll find a way to do it. Just don't wear something odd to college, that would give people something to gossip about for sure.

Chris