So, just to give you a brief summary to start this post, I came out about a month and a half ago after dealing with transgender issues for nearly 12 years. I'm 27, my wife is 26, and we have a 4 month old son.
Things got off to a rocky start, but after some discussion and thinking, my wife said that I was just changing physically, and I'd still be the same person she married, so she would stay. We decided to put off my HRT until we could have a second child (approx. early 2015).
I understand it's hard for her, but now my wife is back to being unsure if she will be able to handle it (aka we might get a divorce after I change).
So, my question is, is it really fair to anyone involved (me, her, and a potential other child) to continue down an uncertain path? If we have another kid and get divorced, she won't be able to afford 2 kids on her own, I will (probably) be paying for a child I don't have much say in raising, and the second child will be born into a divorce (potentially). I always wanted 2 kids, but I don't think the situation is realistic unless my wife is definitely willing to stay.

Any advice, (besides "it's your decision")

EDIT: Also, on another note, my wife keeps telling me that I need to decide if my need to change is stronger than the need to have them. I don't think this is exactly a fair comparison, because I can't exactly be happy with either decision (changing and losing them, or not changing), and it's not like me changing and losing them doesn't mean I don't love them. I would hate to lose them, but I need this.

every path is uncertain. there is no law saying that children cannot know or live with both of their parents just because they're divorced. try discussing whether it's possible for you two to live in the same neighborhood so the kids can know you both and you can support each other in the child rearing just in case your wife finds out it's impossible for her to live together as partners. i know many people who're divorced, but managed to live near enough each other that the children could just run to the other parent whenever they wanted. just mentioning this as a possible worst case solution, that might help put both your minds at ease while figuring out whether or not it is possible for you two to continue your marriage and family planning.

have you tried being a woman around your wife and child? i mean dressing as one and not pretending to be more of a man than you are. this will be without any physical changes to your body, only your appearances. if you are both uncertain, this might make it easier to fully realize what hrt will bring if you end up going that route. if you both manage to adjust, you might figure out that it's worth trying for another child and start your hrt after that. you have over a year left to try adapting to a slightly different type of family, if you aim for hrt only after having another child. and if you find out that you are unable to make it work, you have the same amount of time to find a solution for raising the child you have in common in the best way possible.

The name Andrea has meaning and context here and it would be a wonderful name.

You could put your sperm in a bank. So having a child now or in 5 years is possible with her or someone else.

There will be a lot of blocks going forward. I recommend going to a therapist to sort out what you want to do.

Sorry, forgot to mention that. Sperm banking isn't really an option, we can't afford it. Also, I have chosen my name, just forgot to update that.

Well, I am in the process of separating with my partner now - I know she wanted a second kid, but... I am not going to be father of her second baby for sure... Things went waaaay to complicated with us having only one kid, so I cant even imagine how it would be when having two. Besides, my partner was initially quite open and accepting but then as things went on she realised that my changes would be too much for her to handle and her attitude grew hostile very quickly. I dont want to make any hasty judgments and such, but an idea to postpone Your transition and have another child might be her way to slow things down and see if she could keep You as You are now...

Here's the thing, Chelsea.  You have a relationship and you have a child.  Outside of those responsibilities, you were free to do what you thought best - it's your body after all.

But now you have two, and possibly future others, who depend on you.  That has to be part of your consideration.

Has your wife had the opportunity to talk with your therapist, so she understands the enormity of you situation, and what gender dysphoria is about?

Keep the lines of communication open, and I hope you can come to a meeting of the minds.

Quote from: ChelseaAnn on August 25, 2013, 07:51:37 AM
EDIT: Also, on another note, my wife keeps telling me that I need to decide if my need to change is stronger than the need to have them.

What does she mean when she says this? Do you think she is giving you a choice her or you? How will your marriage survive? Will both compromise? Do you want to live as a woman every day? Can she see you as a woman? Is she supportive of pronouns? Will she go to therapy with you? Do you want SRS and will she support it? What is her and your answers to these questions and this will point you in a direction.

Thank you Emily, your situation is very similar to mine. I don't believe she's delaying it to hope I'll stay the same. Yes, she does hope that, but I don't believe it's her intention.
She's still uncomfortable with me dressing somewhat, but I believe Taka's suggestions are good. Maybe I'll try that. And yes, Jamie, she has talked to my therapist. She has done her research, and we do communicate. I just don't want her to think that she isn't important to me. Continued advice is appreciated. Wife is at work, so I want to be prepared to talk to her when she comes home. (She actually asked me to think about things this morning before she left.)

Some people get divorced and find that the former spouse is now the best friend. This may work out for the kids as well as you. Since you are communicating, I see this as likely if you should get to that point.