Hello everyone,

I'm just curious to see if anyone has a suggestion on how convince significant others that this is all for real?  In particular, I'm interested in mothers and fathers.  Let's say these family members see you as delusional, crazy and misguided?  How do you prove that isn't the case?  How do you get them to believe that you aren't lying to them and that this is who you are and always have been?  Is there something to say or any good information worth providing?  What do you do if they refuse to accept what you say? And what do you do if that information is disregarded and they refuse to try to learn about the transgender community and maintain that their misconceptions and stereotypes is the truth?

Any feedback is appreciated.

P.S. Sorry for all the questions.  I know I've been spamming the board lately with my issues,lol.

I would think that you are not alone on those issues.

I don't know how to convince someone who isn't willing to hear or read outside their 'knowledge'.

If they refuse to acknowledge you for who you are, then you usually have to sever most of your ties. Leave a door or bridge open in case they change but for your own sanity, you move on without them. It is lonelier but you get to keep your sanity. You still have all of us here.

I think the most effective method is to be seen by a professional who believes you and knows what they're talking about, and have that person talk to them.

But just being calm, knowledgeable and reasonable about it reduces the likelihood of it happening by a lot. Even my father, who had a pretty bad reaction and said he didn't think he could accept it, didn't deny it.

I have found that it is not so much the need to convince them but rather the need to guide them through the acceptance process that happens to start with denial and anger. After that and all the bargaining and self loathing there's acceptance and then it's better. Not perfect but much better than at the start.

Quote from: A on August 26, 2013, 05:16:41 PM
I think the most effective method is to be seen by a professional who believes you and knows what they're talking about, and have that person talk to them.

But just being calm, knowledgeable and reasonable about it reduces the likelihood of it happening by a lot. Even my father, who had a pretty bad reaction and said he didn't think he could accept it, didn't deny it.

I've tried having my family talk to my therapist.  Because she is transgender they have wrote off that whole experience.  They couldn't stop critiquing her appearance after the session.  Also, my mom is very much in denial.  I'm trying to break that denial, but I don't see it happening. 

Ah. Well you could try another one. Though that's time-consuming. Or uhm, maybe try something like uhm... get them to watch a good explanative video? One not made by a trans person. Because, well, you know, I sort of understand them. When you don't want to believe something, someone who in any way seems "sold" to you will have much less credibility to begin with. In this precise case they're displaying bad will, but if you look at it that way, it sort of makes sense.

Just going forward with your things however you can and acting mature and "above" them should, normally, in time, get them to a more open state where they'll try to understand what's happening rather than stop it. Basically, if they stop feeling like it's within their power to stop it, they should stop trying to stop it. By acting above them, basically, I mean having confidence in your decision and affirming how ridiculous what they're saying is if it is, but in a mature way. That part was easier for me because my mother's denial stage was pretty minor and for whatever is scientific, technical or theoretical she generally accepts that I'm better than her in the domain to begin with, but I think that it should be possible without those "bonuses".

All I'm saying is pretty vague and doesn't give you any guarantees. I wish I could help more.

The question I am struggling with is "When do you give up trying and walk away?"

Do you really need to either try or walk away? I think stopping caring about whatever they say and carrying on with your business is a pretty valid course of action.

I have the same problems right now with my wife. She is in denial. She will not see a counselor with me and certainly not one with trans* specialization. She is completely unsupportive and not talking to me. I'm sleeping in the basement.

I understand what she's going through and I wish I could support her. The best I can do at the moment is tell her I love her, often. So that's what I do and that's where I am... waiting to find out what she's going to do.

Unfortunately there are side effects. I'm changing some things quicker than I would have if she were part of the discussion. I certainly wouldn't be signed up for a laser consult yet otherwise.

Our SOs affect us... no matter what they do. It just seems like they don't understand that ... yes I am the same person inside. There's just a part of me coming out that should never have been repressed in the first place. Nobody is to blame... but I'm the one who gets blamed.

Now this is wild speculation from a non-expert, but I have a strong feeling that your wife is in denial and putting you in the basement because she feels like she can; she feels like doing so could change your mind. If you're more firm about what you do - that's not to say that you shouldn't listen to her, but you definitely shouldn't turn your back on stuff that's about you just because she disagrees without a valid reason - you should get out of that blocked, foggy situation.

I don't think how you handle things at this point will have much effect on her final reaction to your transition. Either she'll come around, realize she loves you more than the man that you're supposed to be and try to understand; either she won't try to understand and leave you. It's scary, but I think the result will be the same whether you do it now or delay things. As long as you keep the door open and still display a correct, understanding and loving attitude towards her, the speed of things is unlikely to affect the outcome. Only, you'll sleep less comfortably for a longer time, and delay living as yourself a bit more. And honestly, if you've had the time to get married before transitioning, you probably don't want to lose too much time pondering and being afraid, do you?

Quote from: A on August 26, 2013, 09:01:42 PM
Ah. Well you could try another one. Though that's time-consuming. Or uhm, maybe try something like uhm... get them to watch a good explanative video? One not made by a trans person. Because, well, you know, I sort of understand them. When you don't want to believe something, someone who in any way seems "sold" to you will have much less credibility to begin with. In this precise case they're displaying bad will, but if you look at it that way, it sort of makes sense.

Just going forward with your things however you can and acting mature and "above" them should, normally, in time, get them to a more open state where they'll try to understand what's happening rather than stop it. Basically, if they stop feeling like it's within their power to stop it, they should stop trying to stop it. By acting above them, basically, I mean having confidence in your decision and affirming how ridiculous what they're saying is if it is, but in a mature way. That part was easier for me because my mother's denial stage was pretty minor and for whatever is scientific, technical or theoretical she generally accepts that I'm better than her in the domain to begin with, but I think that it should be possible without those "bonuses".

All I'm saying is pretty vague and doesn't give you any guarantees. I wish I could help more.

I appreciate the advice.  Unfortunately, I  don't know if they really want to learn.  They enjoy having their own idea about what everything means, but I will keep trying to beat the information into their head even if it is futile.  As for acting above their criticism, I do that, but it's only slightly successful.  My family realizes they can't stop me, but that doesn't always prevent their verbal tirades.   I shouldn't say family as it is many my mom who simply is concerned about my path in life. 

Quote from: Antonia J on August 26, 2013, 09:13:49 PM
The question I am struggling with is "When do you give up trying and walk away?"

I hear ya.  However, I love my mother too much to give up and walk away.  I will fight to the death before I end my relationship with her. Plus, she's a great person despite her occasional outbursts and her inability to accept what's going on.  She's been too wonderful of a person in the past for me to judge her too harshly at the moment. 

Quote from: kabit on August 27, 2013, 07:56:09 PM
I have the same problems right now with my wife. She is in denial. She will not see a counselor with me and certainly not one with trans* specialization. She is completely unsupportive and not talking to me. I'm sleeping in the basement.

I understand what she's going through and I wish I could support her. The best I can do at the moment is tell her I love her, often. So that's what I do and that's where I am... waiting to find out what she's going to do.

Unfortunately there are side effects. I'm changing some things quicker than I would have if she were part of the discussion. I certainly wouldn't be signed up for a laser consult yet otherwise.

Our SOs affect us... no matter what they do. It just seems like they don't understand that ... yes I am the same person inside. There's just a part of me coming out that should never have been repressed in the first place. Nobody is to blame... but I'm the one who gets blamed.

I'm sorry things have gotten to that point with your wife.   

Thanks.

I mainly don't want to break her further than I have to or more quickly than she needs. Yes, she'll have to break through the denial, but she's told me she's... well hard to describe, but safe suicidal - she won't do it because of the kids, but she's thought about it. It will have to come to a head, but the grieving process for the death of an SO is about a year long. Pushing her through it too quickly will damage her. It would be nice if I could convince her, but for that I'd need to talk to her rationally.

Luckily we do have a mediator of sorts. A friend online who knows. I'm hoping me telling her about it and her telling my wife in the way my wife needs to know will help.

Sorry for stealing part of this thread, learningtolove! I just thought my situation was close to what your OP was describing. Basically, my inexperienced thought is that they need time to grieve. Part of that is denial... and if they need help and aren't willing to talk to you, they need to find that help outside. Get them what resources they need. If they reject that too... there's not much more to do but wait IMO. I know anything I say to her just throws her into another episode. We do talk online a bit... just no longer about who I am.

Quote from: learningtolive on August 28, 2013, 12:52:46 AM
I appreciate the advice.  Unfortunately, I  don't know if they really want to learn.  They enjoy having their own idea about what everything means, but I will keep trying to beat the information into their head even if it is futile.  As for acting above their criticism, I do that, but it's only slightly successful.  My family realizes they can't stop me, but that doesn't always prevent their verbal tirades.   I shouldn't say family as it is many my mom who simply is concerned about my path in life.

That's not perfect, but I think your path of action works. If she has the tiniest bit of common sense, at some point it'll get better. You could also try to observe her and try to put your finger on moments and situations when she appears more receptive, calmer, in more of a listening mode. If your mother is anything like mine, when you talk to her can make all the difference between an explosion and a relatively fruitful discussion.

But yeah, again, I'm not helping much. *Pat*