Heyhey, I'm complicated, not sure where to begin...
I'm 21, MTF. I first questioned my gender maybe 5 years ago. My parents are great and supportive. Went to a small highschool that was quite GLBT friendly but... when I came out I dropped out within a few weeks. Still not really sure why, but I wasn't ready, I was 17 then.
I was going to a great therapist and support group, but I stopped going. Makes me sad to remember. I went into some kind of denial... over a year ago I was diagnosed "psychotic NOS" (although I have something more like depersonalization disorder) and I went on Abilify. It helped me socialize, helped me a LOT in general TBH. Started hanging out with people from highschool again... but I was still in denial, didn't want to talk to them about it, all we did was drink and smoke anyway.
I guess there were/are 3 notable aspects of my "denial", in no particular order: weed, sleep deprivation, and computers. I didn't have insomnia, I just stayed awake for days tearing apart laptops. On a side note I now have a fairly substantial knowledge of laptops, particularly graphics cards. I'd happy to help anyone with that.
And onto the better parts of my life: started taking myself seriously around January of this year. Came out to my roommates who were supportive. Switched to Wellbutrin, quit smoking weed... and a month or so later I cried for over an hour one day. I started to feel more genuine and aware of myself than I knew was possible. I cried pretty often but it was a good thing.
Unfortunately... It seems like that's over and done with now. I haven't cried and quite a while, not sure if the medication has worn off or what and it's been a pretty big source of confusion and unhappiness for me right now. I feel like I've gone back to my ways of denial again... not bothering to notice that I'm not female.
BUT - I know that's not true. I realize that I've come a REALLY long way, I'm complicated and I will feel the way I did again, someday. I have my doubts but I know I'm trans in the back of my head, and I think I'll be ok.
As of tonight, I've been on HRT for a week!
Nothings changed yet but I guess I can wait.
Otherwise, hmm, what am I like? I can be extremely intellectual and talk about very abstract concepts. Producing electronic music is very important to me. Mostly experimental, trip hop and IDM oriented stuff, my soundcloud is here
https://soundcloud.com/crackmontageI'm very serious and typical about my transition, very much want to pass etc but atypical in that I'm very patient and I don't hate everything about my body.
I also don't get very upset when I see mild "transphobia".
I still go by Aaron and male pronouns around my parents and friends even though I'm out to them. I'm scared of making people uncomfortable, I don't wear "exclusively" female clothes or makeup or anything.
I'm strongly considering the name Mara
but I don't think I'll be sure for a while haha
Oh and yeah, tumblr has kinda been my source of research/support, seeing so many cool and beautiful trans peoples blogs has really helped me! Mine is the same as my username. I mostly post art but I have a /tagged/me if you want to see what I look like and a /tagged/personal if you want to read stuff even more rambling and emotional than this.
tumblr isn't very social which is why I'm here. I've always been more of a forum person. Looking forward to meeting and socializing with you all!
