Hey Group,
This is not a place I thought I would find myself...but here I am.. It feels good somehow to share my story and know others have been through very similar things.  My story will not be untypical but reinforces that transgender is for life...

I knew when I was 4 something was different. I was girly and one hell of a cute little boy...if I may say so... 
I asked my mother for lipstick when I was about 4 or so when I saw her putting on my sister she laughed and said boys dont do that.
My father would tell me to stand like a boy ... he did not beat me but he beat mentally into me that I should act a certain way.  BTW he came out of the closet gay when I was about 16.
There is so much more but I prayed every night for god to change me.. once you start to realize your gender does not match up it is very lonely and you have no where to go.
My brother caught me cross dressing and I acted like It was a joke.. My father caught me one time but pretended not to notice... my mother never knew until I told her at age 29 when I decided to transition..  then I did not transition because of wife and kids. My wife had me go to christian counseling for a cure.. it did not work.  I am 54 now and kids are grown...
I don't know what I am going to do.. I have feminine features like small hands face and feet..  I have big shoulders from weight lifting so I will not know if I can transition gracefully until I pull some weight and see whats left after all the years of abuse....Girls often comment they wish they had my eyes and nose and face.. imagine how that made me feel all these years. I have a higher pitched voice... never did get deep.. weird.. but I look and pass as a man great...
I freaked out when doing research on finger indexes.... my hands are exactly like my wife's hands... small  and I have a ratio of 1.01.. index finger 69mm with ring finger 70mm...  I don't know how much weight to put into that but research is  there to suggest that may have something to do with me.  I can't imagine it being total coincidence.
Other notes of interest.. I was diagnosed with GID at 29.  I am very compassionate and caring. I own a business been very successful and cry in movies and watching the voice when I get emotionally involved with things..  my wife thinks its funny... she does not know what is happening today... I am in process of deciding what if anything I will do.. Starting therapy next week.  If anything I hope sharing my story helps..
Take care,
Carrie

Hi Carrie,

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Janet  )O(

Hi Carrie,
I am the same age as you at 54 and have a wife and grown up kids. You will find many people here in our age group with much in common. You will find lots of listeners and lots of advice but nobody will try to force their views on you. If you believe and accept that you are transgendered, then there are many roads you can take, from doing nothing, to a little or a lot of change. The choices are yours.
I wish you well on your journey and I hope you find happiness.
Ciara.

Thanks Ciara so much for your response...
I for the first time in my life feel no shame... and that is a big step to accepting myself for who I am...
The future is uncertain, scary and exciting all at the same time.
Take care see you on the boards..
Carrie

A very warm welcome to you Carrie.  I am married and have kids too - the two youngest are still in college, one studying for a BS in aerospace engineering, and the other working on a teaching credential/Masters in Education.

Thanks for the welcome Jamie
I got mine out of college.... wow.. that was great... then they both got married and having kids....bunches of em... little rug rats...

Carrie

Dear Joules
So happy for you...to be on the road....
Someone said to me the other day since I was considering how would I look as a girl... that I was not ready..and they may be right.... its really about being who you are.. The girl in me is trying to bust out and we need to be mentally prepared to transition at all costs... really I feel If I come back there will be no going back...once everyone knows..
I have cried a lot and I am a crier.. at movies and even when I watch the voice but this has been about trying to figure out what happened to me..

When I think about the hurt I felt as a child and how I cried then because I was trapped by society and ignorance of others around me helpless to help...I cry hard.. then I think about my situation as I am now sitting here in control of my destiny and trapped not by my parents but myself and my own perceptions of myself...pride of what others will think, can I pass thoughts have trapped me again.. I have no way out but possible to live in pain or transition.. I am at a crossroads...


Short story on how my bell rang. again.. I have been overeating for years.. I was an award winning well known athlete in my area and was able to be fit for a long time.
I have a friend who knows nothing about my gender issue that is a therapist.... but not in our field.. I asked her if there was someone I could see about my eating issues.

Well that was a big mistake.. I got into a first session and we started talking about my childhood.. and all my repressed feeling came out and here I am, can't get on HRT fast enough...
I will admit and know better but if my wife had some in the cabinet I would be taking them now..
I am happy for you that your are exploring your transition...
In my heart I know if I dont do it I may be a suicide statistic someday... It could be just from poor health for not taking care of myself...
What I hope to do in therapy is figure out what to do.... I am very scared and life from the outside does not look so bad...

Carrie

Carrie, Joules, Ciara, me, and our other sisters and brothers in our 40s, 50s, and 60s, we have to remember that we were raising in a much different era that today.

I remember going into the main undergraduate library in college, and getting into old issues of Psychology Today, to try and figure out what my feelings were all about.  It was not yet the "Information Age," and we were largely on our own and isolated from role models.

So don't fret - we are survivors.

We are.. It was lonely.. we are in a sense remarkable humans and If I say so myself quite well adjusted.. Have to be to survive and make lemonade out of lemons....
I am so glad to see things changing.. humans may get more human but there will always be haters... and they are not worth the trouble to think about...
Carrie
Now lets see if I can get all three verifications right this time.
oops did not get it right..one more time..then I am going to bed

Hi Carrie,

Well I'm another 60 years old survivor and I as very nervous of going this route with all that i could lose.

The only thing I have lost is GID.

I have gained my self respect and a life that I adore and friends who I never had.

No it wasn't easy, but it got easier every step.

Welcome from South Australia

Cindy

Hi Carrie, welcome to Susan's Place! A late-onset crossdresser from Boston here. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Devlyn,
Boston..
I fall in love with most people I meet from Boston  many seem to have a great sense of humor....
Thanks for the welcome,
Carrie

I'm pretty straight-laced, not someone to act up much. Hugs, Devlyn