I am posting this because I am really struggling to cope at the moment and just need some support and maybe other people's experience who may have been in a similar situation with either good or bad outcomes. I'm not suicidal just very lost right now.

I came out to my wife as a woman in January and after many days of heartache, arguments and crying she said that she would give us another year and see how I felt. I purged all my make-up, clothes and everything female. I have being living totally as a man since then but I the dysphoria is ranging from every other thought to boughts of random laughing/crying. I have seen a counsellor (not for TG counselling as I have been certain I am Trans since last November) for a few sessions earlier in the year but the talking only highlighted I have a relationship not a TG issue and I haven't been back for months.

I love my wife more than anything and we are getting by day-to-day but it is there all the time bubbling under the surface for both of us. I got my hair cut at the weekend and have some MPB and I couldn't stop crying in the shower afterwards. Just about everything is a trigger and we can have conversations about things like shoes that other women are wearing and everything is fine then I we argue as I might be standing in a feminine manner or say something feminine and it's like I crossed an invisible line.

My wife does not want to be with a woman and she does not agree I will be the same person (which is true to some extent). we have been together for 13 years and married 10 and it has been wonderful but recent stresses brought back my long since buried GD and now the genie is now out of the bottle. I thought I could accept I was female but continue to live the great life and love I have. It's killing me to now think I was wrong. My wife is also disabled and my financial dependent and I know she would really struggle without me and that plays a massive part too.

If I think forward in time I only see the female me but I am dying inside thinking about the pain I will cause, the hearts I will break and the love I will lose. It's so understandable yet so heartbreaking to finally accept yourself for how you have always been but then realise it's incompatible with who you have become.

Rebecca x

I have a pretty similar situation. I have been married for six years now and after coming out my wife does want a divorce. We were married in a state that requires a separation for one full year and she wants me to start ASAP. I however see that this would bring financial ruin to both of us. She sees that at least she could end the marriage and not have to see me everyday to remind her by my presence.

Right now we have a two year old son and a large mortgage. Between those two neither of us can live on our own. There are definitely days when I feel hopeless at being able to not live in the gutter if I move out. Every time I run the numbers it shows that I will be in the red before covering my food. My wife's only defense is that I could live with her parents in the basement for free. I contend that marriage in a legal sense is just that a financial and legal binding that has little to do with our feelings or faith. If we remove the rings and say that we are not married then in the eyes of god we are not. Only in the eyes of the court would we still be married and I feel that we should not rush going through that last hurdle until we can either refinance or sell the house.

As for having a full dependent like your wife I'm not even sure of where to begin. I know that I am thinking that if you have accepted her as disabled then why can she not accept you? But for what ever reason this does not seem to compute as a rational thought to my wife or anyone else that I have talked to. Much like you I still love my wife very much and don't understand why she thinks that this some sort of choice.

So good luck to us both and hang in there.

Bex

Go see your GP and get a script for Propecia or an alternative, used to help stop MPB.
It stopped me freaking out and lessened my anxiety.

Are Laser sessions an option?

It's a hard situation with no easy answers that wont cause hurt to you or your wife.

Hugs Jen

I am very sorry Rebecca.  This is really something you have to work out together.

I understand the pain of having to put on a false front for appearances.  I have done it for too long, and I will likely have to keep doing it for a while longer (I can't be prescribed HRT).  Every day is another cut.  Another wound.

It is not my business what the extent of her disability is, but does she understand how much you are mentally suffering?  Is there anything that you can do for yourself that would be acceptable to her?  And how is she prepared in the event of a split?

Thanks Christine, Jen and Jamie. x

I am sorry that you also have circumstances like mine and you have all my love and empathy.

Christine: I think divorce may be inevitable but it's the last thing I want as I adore my wife. We don't have children which could complicate things further which I suppose is a blessing. Financially I would be OK long term but she would be on the bread line and dependent on the state/social housing etc which hurts me more than anything else.

Jen: I am going to start minoxidil I think as it is freaking me out and like you I think it will help. Laser is not an option as any moves towards transition would end my marriage immediately.

Jamie: I'm sorry you can't have HRT. That must be really tough *hugs*. She knows I am struggling and picks up on it when I don't even realise. She says I am being more angry and swearing more and I know I'm becoming a complete mess with all this. Even if she was able to accept me cross-dressing or such like, for me I'm either doing this fully or not at all which may sound a bit silly but I know I couldn't stop once I started. Her disability is physically limiting which stops her from supporting herself. She was disabled when I met her but it has and will get worse throughout her life. I am a real mother-hen as well and always want to nurse and look after people so thinking she won't want me to help her in future is awful.

Just discussing this is helping so thanks. I know there is no straight answer but I'm not enough of a bitch (or too much of a coward) to not keep trying to persist my life as it is.

Thanks all. xxx

Propecia/Finasteride is way better than Rogaine/Minox.

IMHO

I did not have any advanced MPB but what little I had is regrowing. It was really getting me down too.

Bex

I would advise to see your therapist and be open about everything including your TG feelings as soon as possible.
I know as I came out to a therapist this week, it's scary stuff.
Unless they know everything it is very difficult for them to come up with solutions.


As for Laser, there are more than a few guys who get laser.
It's just not for your face and it does help me personally feel a bit better.
What's hair anyway?

As per Seras, see your GP about getting on Propecia.
Read up on the side effects, it might bring a smile inside.
I must say I feel fantastic after 9 months on it.

All the best Jen

I also recommend finasteride for MPB.

Perhaps some of your therapy sessions can be as a couple.

I know your pain, hugs.

I am so sorry for you and the struggle you are going through. It is a terrible burden. I've done just over 300 posts, and I think 250 of those are about my struggles with marriage after coming out in February. My wife just recently filed for divorce. We were married for 12 magical years.

All I can offer is the pain of trying to make the relationship work, seeing your loved one struggle, and then trying to battle your own inner conflict is hell.  I wish I could say it gets easier, but it really will be tough for awhile. It may even get worse before it gets better. At least it did for me. I purged, bargained, and tried to man up. It only made me obsess more about who I was inside. I even went to therapy for several months before coming out, and am still in therapy now. If you are transgender, it will never go away. Only you can decide what you can live with, and that includes balancing relationships, jobs, and being authentic and true to yourself. It differs for everyone, but I have never heard anyone say it is easy.

My wife and I have been very civil, and she is still supportive of my transition - whatever that may be.  She just does not want to be married to an effeminate male, and no way to a woman.  Even with that said, it is still tough. She cries a lot when I talk to her, and I cry occasionally when we are apart. After a couple of months apart, it is getting easier, though. The good days are beginning to outweigh the sad. I am also starting to assimilate my dual lives of male and female to consolidate them into one.  That gives me comfort and peace, if not a little frustration. 

I guess my point is to go slow, get a good therapist that you can go to (and encourage her to get counselling as well, if it is an option financially), and do what you can to figure out you. There is no timeline that says you have to have everything figured out in 3 months, 6 months, or 12 months. I know it is heartbreaking and I feel it really strong if I think about my own loss too much, but there is life on the other side, and it is a good life as well. 

Not good.  Same situation for me.  Ten years.  Sucks.

Come out to the therapist.   It's not all your fault.  For the record. she is making a decision as well.  No, you will not be the same. Talk and then DECIDE and stick with it.

Love my wife but wish I hadn't gotten married to avoid the pain that we are now going though.

Rebecca:  I read your post yesterday and I've been wondering if I should say anything at all. I'm writing this a little for my own therapy, besides to relay my experience. So excuse the length of this little story.

My transition began a little over a year ago, and it seems like it finally ended what was left of a marriage that will have lasted 35 years this coming September 30th.  JoAnn and I live 2400 miles apart as loving friends with cooperative financial support, but not much else.  And I guess since this transition started we've finally accepted the inevitable.   

I took the advice of a psychiatrist who said I should (or could) live a "normal" life, and I buried my secret, then got married in 1978.  Marriage didn't fix me or life in general, and my desire to be a woman remained.  More than 20 years ago my wife found some of my clothes, and I told her as much as I could.  But that changed our marriage forever, and there were no more tender or passionate moments in our love.  It's clear now that it would have been far better to split up back then, but we instead worked to make a good life for our sons. 

And now I'm becoming estranged from the two sons that I worked so hard to raise.  Plus my wife is pushing me away as I struggle to understand why I gave up so much of my life just to be forgotten.  Yes, there are some pretty good reasons why I break down and cry once in a while, but there's also a wonderful reason why I go on.  Because I'm finally doing what's right, no matter how wrong it may appear to my family.

My suggestion is to sit down with your wife and talk about everything, and let yourselves get emotionally truthful.  You may very well end up continuing in your marriage, but you both have to know more about each others feelings, and what you find may bring surprising relief.  Those honest discussions helped JoAnn and I a lot, and they prepared us for our new lives alone.

K

*Hugs* You have my support, but i will hold off on any advice i may have. I feel like I could only aggravate your pain.

Thanks again everyone for the guidance. I'll try to answer everyone's posts in one as it's difficult writing this on my phone.

Thanks for the advice on MPB treatments, I'll do some research. I chose minoxidil as it is over the counter in a pharmacy and not a prescription (i'm in the UK).  My wife didn't want to me to see our doctor as she sees him regularly and she would really struggle with him knowing but that was shortly after I came out and she knows that it may be neccessary at some point that I tell him.

As much as men do have laser, my wife and I both know I only want it for one reason so it's a no-go while we are together.

I did come out to my therapist within around 5 minutes of meeting him and in a flood of tears and gasping for breath. He has been really good as a person to talk to in lieu of a having a friend I could confide in. Stupid thing is I don't have confusion over being trans, I'm Mrs Practical and the issue is whether I can live with not transitioning to save my marriage. Me starting this topic probably says it all I guess.

Couples therapy or therapy for her is not an option as my wife sees this as my problem not hers. This is very frustrating and I have suggested she speaks to a friend for guidance herself but she says she would be too embarrased. Her friend (who has counselling herself) knows I have had counselling but thinks it's for depression/stress. She just doesn't want to talk about it at all, either to me or anyone which is burying your head in the sand but I'm hardly in a position to tell her how she should feel when your husband tells you (s)he is really a woman.

Posting this and your guidance/advice are making me realise (as I type this) that in all my months coming to terms with being trans last year up to November, I pretty much mentally transitioned and became comfortable with who I am. Apart considering my wife and our marriage, I honestly don't care who knows (family or otherwise), I know the policies at work, timescales, procedures, WPATH guidance, NHS protocols, financial costs, surgeries etc and am good with it all.

What a mess we make by trying to be who we think we should be for others eh? I'm gonna take some deep breaths and then explain to my wife I need to do something now about losing my hair and see where we go one day-at-a-time.

Thanks again everyone, you're amazing, beautiful individuals and I love you all.

Rebecca. x

Since you came to this conclusion on your own, I now feel more comfortable saying it:

This is not just in your head. Unfortunately, it is also not something that will go away if you ignore it or try to shove it in a closet somewhere. It is something you can put off for a time, up until the time you acknowledge it's existence. That time has passed for you. Now it is a matter of whether it will be more painful to pretend to be someone else, or to risk losing someone important to you. I wish that none of us ever had to face that decision, unfortunately the majority of us have to do exactly that. I hope that when faced with the decision of adjusting to the fact that this is something you have to do in order to ever be happy again, or losing you, your wife can accept the situation, and eventually support you.

No Matter What, We're here

[also, i apologize if this is a little direct, i have my moments when i'm still a bit unladylike  ]

Bec

Reading you latest post brought me to tears as I see your pain and frustration written between the lines.

Re Propecia it is not a TG medication but for normal males to deal with hair loss. It's very good so please don't feel pressured not to investigate it with your GP. Mine just wrote a script after I asked for something to help with hair loss. It's like a holding drug for you no matter what you do or don't do. It really will help with your own self confidence.

I find it hard to see how your wife thinks she does not need therapy. She seems more interested in maintaining her happiness at the expense of yours from what you say. Is this love or something else? I do not want to infer anything here. It's just not my place.

I am happy that you personally have come to terms who you are. It is very confronting I know and scares my silly.

I am also from the UK, I ordered it from the online pharmacy on the Boots website. No big deal, nice and discreet no big pink package or nothin. £45 a month or £90 for 3 months so it is kinda pricy, but I believe you said you are well off enough?

Rebecca, this may come across as being selfish but sometimes we have to do what is right for us and our own happiness. Sure it will hurt your wife but how much are you going to hurt inside suffering through GID pretty much alone. I know your wife is dependant of you and you probably feel a responsibility to her but what if the GID gets so bad you decide you can suffer no longer? Life insurance policies are usually voided due to suicide.

Sometimes we just have to weigh our options as to what is right for us and us alone. You can be unhappy and suffer for a lifetime just to make someone else happy and comfortable or we can choose to consider our own happiness and comfort and allow another to decide what they want to do in order to be happy and comfortable. Just don't leave yourself out of the equation.

This too will sound bad too. If your wife is refusing to go to therapy to help the both of you deal with things and considers it your problem alone, then that tells me that she is in no way thinking of you but rather of herself and her own wants and needs. I would even call it selfishness on her part. This would hurt me and then make me angry enough to let her go if she wanted to with little or no guilt at all. It really takes two hon and if one is sacrificing all the time, it really is a bad situation. One can't call all the shots in a partnership without dire repercussions to the other. Don't let it get that bad.

I would definately talk to a therapist about her attitude and refusal to even acknowledge your GID. Little things we do give us some comfort from GID and her refusal to even allow you to have laser seems selfish to me. What about shaving? It is a cheaper and more temporary option.

Living a lie is no life, at all. You are destined to transition and that means divorce. Remaining in your marriage is selfish. If you love your wife do the right thing and let her go. Give her a chance to find happiness. That's love.

Sorry for the tough words, but I lived that lie.

Love, Zoey

Rebecca, I have learned,

When you free the words they can not come back but something inside grows. From the pain, eventually you will accept and like your identity.

Therapy is hard work, harder the deeper your prison.

Good luck and hugs. 

P.S. when I was 5, 12, 22 and 50 I had major struggles with my trans* identity. At 50 I finally ran out of the ability to not be me, such a waste. However, I have 20 years left 

Our situations are somewhat similar, even down to the guilt of having a (partially) disabled wife dependent upon you. I, in a sense, came out to mine three years ago when after attending several TG group meetings I knew I needed to be there. My wife knew I was TG from day 1 some 30+ years ago. However, this was a major change in the game. She was always supportive to a point. When I needed to (which was about once a month) I could escape the male world and dress at home. I also saw how this affected her, as well as told when she confessed as the reason for lack of intimacy was due to only being able to see Joanne for days afterwards.

This was different. Due to work needs I was living some 350 miles away. Her feelings of betrayal and abandonment were greatly amplified. The group I found was about all TS's, either fully transitioned or working towards it. She also knew of my history of dating TS women so add extreme jealousy into the mix of other insecurities I thrust upon her.

She knew that this was something I needed to do. Like me she places the other's happiness above our own. The results so far is now our relationship is stronger then ever, I grew from being some facade of a man into a real person (almost.. still a work in process). She likes being with this new and improved person vs the grumpus I turned into over the years of trying to live up to an image of what I should be like. I still hear that she prefers men over being with a woman. I also hear over and over how she cannot imagine sharing her life with anyone other than me.

This is far different from what appears to be an ultimatum you were given. YOU needed to get those silly thoughts out of your head. Something I am sure you tried unsuccessfully to do for years hence coming out to her. 

How to cope?  Start protecting/hiding your assets and look for a good divorce lawyer. Oh es, also be prepared for an early coming out to the world. Be thankful she gave you a year to prepare. Many spouses do that the next day after having the T-Bomb dropped. Sorry, but that is how the situation looks to me. You were essentially told to change, which you know you cannot really do. She is unwilling to even explore any sort of midground.

The alternative route is tons of open and honest communication, which includes knowing or being told when the TMI point is reached. I now recognize how much of how I was handling being trans simply was not working, in fact making things far worse. Change brought positive results. Staying the course I was on would only drive be further into being a miserable wretch of a lifeless souless machine. Far from the real person I am growing into.