It was a dark and stormy night. . . .well, Ok, the truth is a little more mundane.
Although I have a mental snapshot of carrying around a pair of shiny patent leather mary jane shoes as a very young child (probably around 4 or 5) my cross dressing started during the summer of 1971.
I should probably tell everyone that I am 54 (As of Aug 2013) years old. I graduated high school in 1977. During the summer of 71 I had just turned 12 and from what I recall, I was just hitting puberty.
IT ALL STARTED During the summers, I would go off to visit my Grandfather who lived in a small town in western New Mexico. There were two boys my age, that I ran around with. One day, one of the boys and I were in the spare bedroom where I was staying. Somehow, we found a bikini that my mother had purchased for my cousin the year before. Evidently she had left it. It was a typical 1970 style bikini, moderate cut (my cousin was about 16 or 18 at the time) and had a colorful flower pattern.) We were goofing around and teasing each other and we ended up trying it on. I guess it made more of an impression than I knew, as it seemed I was hooked.
I really don't recall much about that year, but the next year, I "borrowed" a white bra (34B) and panties from my girlfriend. She never knew and as far as I knew, she never suspected either. I don't remember a lot, but I would wear them in a sexual connotation after going to bed. Before long, I borrowed another bra, panties and baby doll nightgown from her.
GETTING CAUGHT was not a pleasant affair for an 8th grade boy. Even though my mother was a fairly progressive and educated woman (she was a high school teacher) I don't know that she could have understood the ramifications of being confronted. I came home one day to find the cloths on the kitchen table. (It was a good thing that I had no brothers or sisters) And was immediately confronted when she got home a bit later. I was given the third degree about where they came from, but fortunately, she did not ask a lot of questions about what I did with them. My biggest worry was that she would make me "march down there, and return them. Luck was on my side as she didn't do that either.
Temptation got the better of me though, and I could not resist the urge to dress in lingerie again. For a short while, I did without, but later hit on an interesting solution. I had a friend who was a bit younger than I, and had a sister that was a year older than I. Since he owed me a favor, I asked him to "borrow" one of his sisters bra's and panties, which he did. This time the bra was a plain white 34A, and was very soft and silky. Taking no chances, I hid these articles somewhere outside of the house. I would usually dress before my parents got home. (Mom, the teacher got home around 3:45 and my father around 5:30)
By the 9th grade I was hooked. I can recall wearing the panties under my jeans to night school one night. That was the first time I had worn anything outside of home. The feelings of trepidation, abject fear and excitement were indescribable. Those feelings would set the tone for probably the rest of my life and I will describe below.
OLDER, BOLDER AND WISER Around this time, my parents had purchased a house that was being built. and we would go over every few days to see how things were going. It was during this time that I first wore a bra out in public. I decided that since I enjoyed wearing panties under otherwise "normal" clothing, I would try wearing a bra. My first experience with this was on a trip over to the new house. I wore the 34A bra and panties under my boy clothes, and a windbreaker. No one noticed and I once again had the thrill of "Getting away with it."
Like many of my cross dressing bretheren, I started becoming aware of what the girls of my age were wearing and wanted to emulate them, be like them, at least in what they were wearing. Most guys would notice that a girl was cute or had "great knockers." but I would notice what sort of bra they were wearing. . (with everything else in short order.) Of course, like most impetuous boys of that age, when you see something you want, you try to get it and I was no different. I was not quite ready to go purchase these things on my own and asking mom to take me bra shopping just seemed a little out of the question.
Strangely, it was about this time that my parents decided I needed a bit of sex ed as well. Their solution? A copy of Dr. David Ruben's bright yellow "
*Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask." Certainly a "Novel" approach to the problem. Ruben didn't really address cross dressing per se, but touched on it. It did help me to realize that it was something that I was not likely to be able to easily change and gave me a leg up on accepting my behavior.
My parents were also starting to respect my privacy more. This was a good thing as the cloths now went into a locked box under the bed. Though I am sure they knew it was there, they did not at any time demand to know what was inside.
So, now the problem of how to expand my "wardrobe" presents itself. Since we lived in the suburb of a large city (Ok, suburb of Oklahoma City) and I had a 10 speed that I rode regularly at night, there was a solution which presented itself in no time.
There were a couple of apartment complexes within a few miles of where I lived. I discovered the laundry room one night. Humm, I thought. . no one is around. . . so, I watched, waited and then went in. Opened a dryer and quickly looked though. I don't recall how long it was before I found something but soon my collection was growing.
I had given some thought to what to do or say if someone came in. Since I was in 10th grade and high school at this point, an excuse was easily formulated. my girlfriend left my class ring in her pants pocket when she stuck it in the laundry. Perfect excuse. . . and the only time I had to use it, it was accepted without question.
I still recall some of my better finds at that time, and grew to like some styles over others. One night I found 5 new light pink bras, in 34B which were very much like the Rudy Gemrich "No bra", Bra.* Instead of being see thru material, it was a light pink satin material. They had a single hook and were very thin. Totally unlike the plain white utilitarian generic bra's many of the Sophomore and Junior girls were wearing, it was thin, cute and comfortable. There were even matching panties, which just happened to be in size 6.
In my senior year, I had a girlfriend who was the first that I told about my cross dressing. I guess the social more's had started to change as she was accepting of it. In fact, she was the first girl to actually buy me a bra! She never had a problem with my wearing panties under my clothing which also helped with my accepting my "uniqueness."
Some time around my senior year, I had my first and thankfully only dreaded "PURGE." At that time, there was no internet, not even BBS systems. The Apple II would come out the year after I graduated HS in 1977. I had no way to contact or be around any other people who crossdressed. Fortunately, that isolation does not generally exist with todays internet and myriad sites and google search engine. I do not recall what if any mental crossroads or event caused me to purge, but luckily, It did not happen again.
GROWING OLDER GRACEFULLY. . . in some respects was easy. As you get into adulthood, you start to accept things about yourself and cross dressing was no exception. I soon realized that if you went into a store (this was the early 80's) and purchased lingerie for your wife/girlfriend/lover/self no one cared. There was no embarrassment. The big hurtle was always doing it the first time. You find yourself second guessing and looking at people in the store. ."will they say something" you ask yourself? After you can work the script in your mind and in reality a few times, it becomes easy.
When you are young and in your 20's, you are thin and buying cloths is easy if only it were always that easy. . .After getting my first credit card, I discovered catalog shopping. This was still in the days before the internet and dial up BBS's were very popular. My choice in lingerie at this time ran to very small cup bra's that I could wear under a shirt and sweater. Avon fashion had a thin cup bra that was perfect. Somewhere about a year before I graduated, I discovered that you could cut a piece of foam into the rough size and shape and have some great boobs. . .As a result, I started wearing a bra under my regular clothes with home made falsies under a loose shirt. No one seemed to notice and soon, underdressing was old hat. I had a short marriage with the girl I had lost my virginity to. She had known from the outset that I crossdressed and did not have a problem. In fact, she encouraged and participated. The marriage only lasted about a year and a half.
I later had met a young lady who was not only encouraging, she actively participated, and was wild enough (if you will) to rock my whole world for a few years. (I only bring this up as it relates to my crossdressing.) She quickly found I tended to be a bit on the submissive side and used that to her and our advantage. I can remember the first time she insisted we go to a store, not any store, but a shoe store. She sat me down and told the salesMAN what she wanted, He soon brought out and fitted a pair of black leather Keds. This soon progressed, and any hesitations I had were soon gone. My relation with her lasted about 2 and a half years.
I married a second time in the 90's when I was in my 30's. Having a wife that accepted the behavior made life easier. Not only did she accept it, she also encouraged my cross dressing. A few weeks before we were married, she had gotten a pair of small and inexpensive silicon breast forms for my birthday. Before that, I had been using foam that had been cut to size and shape.
When we got married in Las Vegas, I was wearing a bra, my first pair of silicon breast forms and panties! A few weeks before we were married, she had gotten a pair of small and inexpensive silicon breast forms for my birthday.
REFLECTIONS of my life and cross dressing are many and varied. I do not regret putting on a bikini the first time. I enjoy my cross dressing. My current wife enjoys my cross dressing and encourages it as well. I have often wondered, what set of factors drove me to dress that second time all those years ago. . . I would think that the first time would have some amount of excitement for anyone, but WHY does anyone continue to cross dress? I have read extensively about it, but there are no real answers.
In my life, all the girlfriends (save one) have been very accepting of cross dressing. It truly saddens me when I read of an older cross dresser who kept cross dressing from their spouse and were later discovered with disastrous results. It would seem that keeping such a deep secret for so long from you soul mate could only be seen as a deep deception. I am thankful that times have changed, and at least in my case all I have shared with have been understanding and accepting.
I did have one girlfriend who went psycho for other reasons and tried her level best to destroy me. She went to all my friends and family, and promptly told everyone that I cross dressed (and a few lies as well) At the time is seemed like a disaster. I soon realized a valuable truth though. I realized that to
those who really loved or cared about me, would accept me as I AM. It was from this event that I gained the courage to tell everyone that I really did cross dress. Out of the friends and family I told, everyone was fine with it. I was not going to let my cross dressing be used to hurt me. If everyone knows, you can't harm me with the truth.
TODAY MY CROSSDRESSING is almost exclusively "under dressing." That is, I wear a bra with silicon breast forms, panties, and keds or some other not glaringly obviously womans shoe. Keds are good, black mary janes are good. . .In all the time I have dressed this way, I have only once gotten a strange reaction and that was in a book store. I was wearing white keds and some fellow just stopped, mouth agape and stared at my shoes. Never said a word. . just stood there with a stupied look on his face.
From the first time I went into a womans shoe store (with my then girlfriend) and she asked for me to try on womens keds, (the salesMAN never said a word, just helped me like any other customer) I have never had a problem buying womens clothing or shoes. I want younger cross dressers to understand that salespeople don't care, its a sale. . thats it. About the only group you might have problems with is young teen age girls in wolf packs at the mall, who upon sensing fear, tend to attack anyone they consider easy prey. Embarrassing someone who is dressed and trying to pass seems to be the thing they live for. (No, it never happened to me, but I did once see such behavior at a local mall back in the 80's.. .
Of course these days, Sporting shoes have taken on such a variety of colors and styles. Truth be known, I've not bought a pair of mens shoes in years. As an RN, most of my co-workers are women and either don't notice or don't say anything if they do. I recall at least once commenting to one of my co-workers that we were wearing the same shoes. Exactly the same. . .they were Nike womens trainers, white with a light blue swoosh. One of my early favorites was a pair of light blue Nike Accelerators. (size 12). I still have them.
If anyone has a fear of buying womens shoes, I suggest Payless. Evidently, they carry a good selection in womens 12 and 13, and have quite a few men coming in and buying womens shoes. It is nothing new for them and their sales associates are actually helpful. The other great thing is you can buy shoes here and not break the bank. My current favorites are a pair of Champion Octo performance runners. Priced at $24.95 They are comfortable, light and push the limits a bit. See them here:
http://www.payless.com/store/product/detail.jsp?catId=cat10088&subCatId=cat10266&skuId=125536055&productId=70782&lotId=125536&category=&catdisplayName=WomensGoing back to what I was saying about "Underdressing" I can wear a 38B and forms under a X-Large shirt (Preferably one with a wild print or dark color. Hawaiian and Tiki Shirts are perfect -especially the silk ones. Usually, a form with 2 to 3 inches of projection can be worn under a bulky shirt. IF someone is looking closely, they may figure it out, but as yet, no one has. Professional silicon forms from makers like Amoena and nearly me are well worth the price. My first pair of GOOD forms were an Amoena 651, which was known for having more "drape" and being less "perky". In other words, like a real breast and not a bad boob job. Real silicon has a great feeling as they warm to body temperature. They have a bit of bounce and jiggle. My first pair was warranted for two years. I ended up getting 4 years of wear out of them. (Not every day, probably about 50% of what a woman needing a breast form would wear one.
I have also noticed that I can wear black ballet flats with black socks and jeans and no one notices. . .Same thing with Mary Janes. . .just wear matching socks. If you want a real challenge as a crossdresser, try getting soft ballet shoes (slippers) or point shoes that are used in ballet. A few tense moments, but once again, none of the sales clerks really cared. As one woman said, "It does not matter, about half of my sales are for people having fun. " I will tell you that the sizing guides are a good start. Most Ballet shoes are 2 to 3 sizes smaller than street shoes. For example, I wear a 10.5 or 11 in mens, a 12 in womens Nike, 11 in New Balance, 12 in Adidis, 12 in Champion (Payless shoes) 8.0 in Bloch soft ballet shoes, 9 in Capezio soft ballet shoes, 10 L in SoDanca ballet shoes, 16 Narrow in Sansha soft Ballet I don't suggest point shoes at all. They are uncomfortable as can be, and if you like the pink satin look, many UK sellers carry adult sizes in satin soft ballet shoes.
Sorry, I digress. I guess. . .
CHANGES OVER THE YEARS:
The biggest thing you notice as you get older is that crossdressing does not give you as much of a "thrill" as it did when you started. As we age, most crossdressers would agree, the need to crossdress changes from primarily sexual in nature to stress relief. When we get home, the wife takes her bra off and mine goes on. I almost feel like something is missing if I am not underdressed. I almost always wear panties, and still have a couple of pairs of boxers for the occasional trip to the Doctors office, or something similar. Always wear women's Nike or Adidas shoes or ballet flats. If I don't, something does not feel "Right." I refuse to fly these days because of those power happy clowns at the TSA.
THE THOUGHT I WOULD LEAVE YOU WITH IS, To just Be yourself. . . These days people don't care and if they do, it's THEIR problem not yours. Don't be afraid to cross dress. You may get a few funny stares, who cares, you will likely never see that person again. Life is to short, and in spite of a email forward from my ex wife which said "Lifes short, dance naked" I would rather dance cross dressed.
As a 2013 post script to this posting, I have updated it a bit. (Yes, I have posted at another crossdressing board, but had been inactive for a few years.) I have to bemoan the loss of a "support group" which once existed in Oklahoma City. It was the Central Oklahoma Transgender Alliance (COTA) and the local chapter was Sigma Beta. It was off to a good start in the early to mid 1990's. I had moved to another city and when I returned, the group was defunct, gone, nada, outta-there, kaput, history, no more, out of business. . . I really hate that. Although there were some "personalities" involved, the group did help a few people to see that crossdressing did not make you a freak. As a support group, it was nice to connect with someone who was not a pervert, looking for just sex. Discussions were varied and helpful and you did not have to introduce yourself if you were not comfortable.
I later learned part of the demise had come about due to the struggle to decide how to handle bisexual crossdressers, as the group was primarily for hetrosexual crossdressers. Certainly, to some degree, the groups crossdress for different reasons, not all do, but the nature of the group changed and it became dominated by activists which drove many people away.
Apparently, no one has stepped in to fill the void. Even though there are many boards and blog sites today which are dedicated to crossdressing, the opportunity to meet other REAL people, who crossdress for the same general reason is a wonderful thing. . ..
*The Rudy Gemrich "No Bra" bra can be seen here:
http://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O64190/the-no-bra-brassiere-bra-gernreich-rudi/I really wish they still made these as they were light, comfortable and easy to hide under cloths. Today, many of the hook less bralet styles are just as comfortable. Consider the Bearly there 4085 are comfortable, easily concealable and hold a pair of silicon forms well.
(See them here;
http://www.barenecessities.com/barely-there-custom-flex-fit-wire-free-bra-4085_product.htm?pf_id=BarelyThere4085&search=&manual_cm_sp=SlotLocation-_-R2C1-_-BarelyThere4085
