Sorry it's been a few days and thank you all for your kind words and guidance.

Things naturally came to something of a head this weekend and we have talked and cried. My wife's position is still the same, she feels that I am a already female and she is married to a woman. We are putting on a brave face but sadly I think the end of our marriage is inevitable which is really painful to come to terms with. We could've been best friends if I had known I was a woman before we met.

I am going to the doctors this week to come out to him and request referral for GD and some treatment for my MPB.

I also came very close to coming out to my parents this weekend and I was close to tears but fought them back. They have no idea we have any issues, guess we are both great at hiding things. Life is tolerable but my seeking treatment only really has one outcome and will likely be the nail in the coffin of our marriage.

I still love her more then anything but I explained to her I am struggling to cope and described that my acceptance that I was female was like a damn bursting and very difficult to fight as much as I have tried. Besides which, i would take on the world to keep her but to fight myself is impossible and a surefire road to mental health issues and a nervous breakdown.

I'll post updates when I can but it is sometimes difficult.

Love and thanks again to you all.
Rebecca. x

Thank you for sharing with us Rebecca.  Wish I could give you a big hug but do want to note that you and I figured this out "last November."  IMHO we can not successfully put ourselves back in a box we have outgrown, as you note, without mental health issues and more.
You gotta save yourself and that means swimming now that the dam has burst.  Stroke girl, breast stroke;-)

First of all you if you go through with transition your not likely to remain married. If you think you can buck the odds more power to you but you do so at your own peril.

So say your not willing to take that risk, many aren't. Well then it might be wise to learn to live your life as you are.

Say you decide to go through with the process. I can tell you this, countless people before you have done it, we survived. In the end we found an inner piece and a very normal life.

Katie

Rebecca-
  Thank you for your update. I am sorry to hear that you might wind up having troubles beyond what you are already experiencing, but I am glad to hear that you have come to a place of self acceptance and a decision to concentrate on forward motion. As you said, fighting a battle against one's self is futile, and dangerous. I hope that things come to a resolution that you can tolerate or better, and as always:

We are here for you.
*hugs*

I do understand the pain you are going thru. I sacrificed myself for the family name and businesses and then later for the family. I learned to look at the positives and I have reached a stage in my life when I have fufilled all my duties. Now there is only me and I started HRT some 5+ months ago. I have no regrets and had a good life as a male and a father. Its so wonderful to be ME, I cannot say it enough. To my great suprise I had a seperated wife that embraced my coming out to her and we are now even closer. Love is a hard word to define - feelings always are. My wife loves my newfound empathy and my calmness but then again I'm ever so lucky to have her. I wish you a solution that will bring both of you some peace.

Quote from: warlockmaker on September 02, 2013, 05:46:09 AM
I do understand the pain you are going thru. I sacrificed myself for the family name and businesses and then later for the family. I learned to look at the positives and I have reached a stage in my life when I have fufilled all my duties. Now there is only me and I started HRT some 5+ months ago. I have no regrets and had a good life as a male and a father. Its so wonderful to be ME, I cannot say it enough. To my great suprise I had a seperated wife that embraced my coming out to her and we are now even closer. Love is a hard word to define - feelings always are. My wife loves my newfound empathy and my calmness but then again I'm ever so lucky to have her. I wish you a solution that will bring both of you some peace.

You and I share a similar timeline Warlockmaker.  One of the very best surprises for me in transitioning has been to actually feel closer to people.  I found that when sitting down and coming out with people they felt comfortable sharing more of their deep and personal lives.  It works both ways?  I think people could sense my new lack of artifice and hiding and responded in kind.  Friends I have known for years felt that now they know the real me and they can be my girlfriend or just friends without the tension of "is he coming on to me sexual tension."  That change in testosterone is something I have wanted for a very long time and understood as contributing to my dysphoria.  Treatment is transition and it sure works for this girl!  As I have said before, I am under no illusions of permanence for my marriage or other relationships but I am experiencing an unprecedented depth and significance during this transition.  Live full and long.

Just a small... alright, really big update. I have seen my GP and came out to him as trans. He is regferring me to a GIC so I can work with them to figure out how to cope and try to save my failing marriage to my wonderful wife. Good news, he thinks I dont need the usual psych referral as he is sure I am sane and trans. Wheres my sash and flowers for that little win?

Thanks all,
Rebecca. X

Congratulations Rebecca!

Your coming out with your GP is a major step and one that is apparently encouraging validation for your true colors.  Yes, yes wave that flag and sash and let the rose petals surround you.

A very nice win

Congrads...

There is some good advice and ideas on saving a marriage here in the "Significant Others" board.  Worth reading for ideas.  Also, some of the replies here are from girls who have kept their marriage.  PM is an option for additional advice. 

Coming out to your doctor isn't a big deal. GP's have heard it all, twice.