I have decided to start a journal...again last night another episode.. 4AM in the morning just like the night before..
This time I now know what they mean by a river of tears... I did not know liquid could stream from our eyes so steady...and for so long.  At times I was thinking how great it would be just to end it all so I don't have to suffer and my family will not have to go through this.
I think though, if we survive and my family is ok they would be better people in the end.. more tolerant of others that are different.
I finally got back to sleep and without much thought shaved every hair off my chest and stomach area.. It started as a thinning now its all gone.. and I like the way I look better..
Someone in my last thread said crying is part of the process I agree...
I am afraid for better or worse.. I am heading toward an eventual transition..but will do so with much thought and preparation.
Carrie

Hugs, I feel your pain. It will get better. A journal is an outstanding idea. You may want to write down from the beginning (childhood) to present day all of what makes you extraordinary.

Crying is a release valve, only worry when you CAN'T cry, because that is more dangerous.

Hi Carrie,
It is ok to cry. You are probably going through emotional pain now that you have never known before. I know that pain and it WILL get better.
You have probably already seen that you have many friends here that want to listen to your story and share the burden and your pain. We have all been through it, many of us still are. We are here for you.
In my suffering I bared my soul to friends at Susans and nobody judged me. Instead I received love and friendship that supported me through my tears. I don't suggest that you do the same....you have a therapist and unfortunately I don't. Your therapist will help. I suppose what I am trying to say is that we are here, we are listening and our arms are about you.
We girls look after each other!!
Ciara.

the pain goes away when you cry (unless you cry every day, because that only serves to remind you of former pain). it's a good thing, even better if you have a shoulder to cry on, and someone to tell you that everything will be all right.

not being able to cry will just keep the pain inside. maybe well hidden, but it's still there. i don't think it's too healthy to have so much emotion trapped inside.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on September 02, 2013, 11:08:25 AM
Crying is a release valve, only worry when you CAN'T cry, because that is more dangerous.

I can't I'm worried I'm disturbed or worse

In my formerly masculine life role crying wasn't what we did, we stuffed everything until there was no room to stuff another thing, then we became angry and sometimes unreasonably violent. Crying was a wonderful outlet once I finally allowed myself to give in to real emotions and quit faking the tough guy stuff that was turning me into a miserably unhappy lunatic!

Thanks Group for your support.... and I love all of you for the support and outpouring of understanding.
I am getting very determined to find my way to peace.  If not I do not know how to go on any longer.. I think all will fall into place over time.
My wife, she knew about my cross dressing years ago, I know she must have some feeling that something is going on. 

I told her I shaved my chest and stomach this morning... and she liked it..  what a surprise.....she said she would do my back areas for me tonight..
She knows nothing about my current thoughts and feelings but says I have been acting strange...quiet and introspective...and thats not like me..

I am a mess.... the strange thing is I am taking care of myself for the first time in a long time with diet and exercise as if I may have something to live for...
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on September 02, 2013, 12:38:34 PM
Thanks Group for your support.... and I love all of you for the support and outpouring of understanding.
I am getting very determined to find my way to peace.  If not I do not know how to go on any longer.. I think all will fall into place over time.
My wife, she knew about my cross dressing years ago, I know she must have some feeling that something is going on. 

I told her I shaved my chest and stomach this morning... and she liked it..  what a surprise.....she said she would do my back areas for me tonight..
She knows nothing about my current thoughts and feelings but says I have been acting strange...quiet and introspective...and thats not like me..

I am a mess.... the strange thing is I am taking care of myself for the first time in a long time with diet and exercise as if I may have something to live for...
Carrie

Good going Carrie, your wife sounds like a real gem, hug her often and tell her you love her. Some women don't care for hairy men, mine doesn't, I am fortunate to be an American hairless as far as body hair goes other than the usual two locations.

She is a gem... guys always say how did you get her.... ...well in reality she got me.....she is kind and generous.  I hug her often.. I can only hope if I transition she could be my best girlfriend...... I have no idea whats going to happen... and I like to know things in advance...
I hope the ride has a happy ending...

Quote from: carrie359 on September 02, 2013, 01:50:20 PM
She is a gem... guys always say how did you get her.... ...well in reality she got me.....she is kind and generous.  I hug her often.. I can only hope if I transition she could be my best girlfriend...... I have no idea whats going to happen... and I like to know things in advance...
I hope the ride has a happy ending...

Just takes a lot of long conversations keeping her updated on your game plan. Good luck!

I am not sure how many gallons of tears I shed these past few years. I do know it was A LOT 

It is now 3-4 years after I finally decided to take the trans beast head on. While I am kinda sorta not exactly sure which fork in the road I am going to take, I have learned where I can experience joy once more as well as finally being happy to be in my skin. I will not say many tears were wasted when it came to important aspects of my affected by any decision. My wife is now my number 1 ally. In spite of all the pain I burdened her with. The tears, the pleas, the prayers were all necessary to help me question and challenge as well as focus on what is truly important, as well all all the aspects of where or how I totally messed up.

In short, I learned tears are good

Thanks Joanne
I suppose its a process.. My wife knows something is up and she knows my past... I also shaved my arms yesterday.. I love the way they look. All I know is the clock is ticking... I wonder if sometimes mother nature gets us.. and we have to become who we are or wither... I was on a downhill spiral binge eating for the last 20 years.  Since the so called bell rang not even thought of overeating.. its like something internal has happened.
If my wife becomes my biggest ally I would be so happy not just for me but for her..
Carrie