The cleaning or the wondering?
Either way,... Yes.

Only 20 minutes??!!  What a slacker.  Just teasing you but my nails and hair were two personal features I played with a lot prior to coming out and transition.  And now with purple passion polish, oh the joy.

you gave me some interesting information, ativan. i'll have to think about trying something else than just toughing it out if i can't get the needed amount of control over this anxiety within the next few months. right now i'll work on getting rid of two things that only add to it. already started on them both, and i believe it will get better.

still, yesterday was horrid, and it continued through this morning (you were hopefully still asleep at the time). but around midday, suddenly, the feeling pretty much disappeared and even if it threatens to return, it's not completely numbing.
i blame the moon for this, and i probably always will unless i find evidence of the contrary. it can't be just a coincidence that i suffer from near uncontrollable anxiety in the last three days before new moon. and even if it doesn't get that bad, i still get really irritable.

in some ways, it feels good to tell someone that i'm not doing as good as i pretend. i have this suspicion that being open about the problem might lessen it, at least i don't need to fear people finding out...

Quote from: Taka on September 05, 2013, 03:00:26 PM
i blame the moon for this, and i probably always will unless i find evidence of the contrary. it can't be just a coincidence that i suffer from near uncontrollable anxiety in the last three days before new moon. and even if it doesn't get that bad, i still get really irritable.

What's not to believe? The moon controls tides, cycles and much more ask any EMT or ER worker.

Quote from: Taka on September 05, 2013, 03:00:26 PM
in some ways, it feels good to tell someone that i'm not doing as good as i pretend. i have this suspicion that being open about the problem might lessen it, at least i don't need to fear people finding out...

It's difficult to be open about something that you fear will make you appear weak.
And at first, it brings on even more anxiety. It's a hard step to take.
I should have said this before. You have to be open to face it.
For myself, it's bad enough that on occasion, i have to use meds.
It's bad enough to warrant the use of them.
But I still have to talk about it, be open to it.

Sometimes confiding in another isn't enough. The fear remains if they can't alleviate it for you.
Sometimes you just have to be open about it. There are others who understand what it is.
I'm very good at hiding myself behind a facade of normal for others benefit.
It's like putting up a dam against your emotions, though.

But at some time, I realized that I was not alone in doing this.
I recognize the signs in other people just as easily as I hide behind mine.
The day I decided to stop hiding behind a mask of 'I'm OK', the outpouring of support amazed me.
Although most people can't really help other than show support, others like me could give bits of advice here and there.
While a therapist can tell you what they have been taught, only others who have truly been where you are, know.

Having fear of fear itself is irrational thinking. To be open about it, isn't.
We all understand it to one degree or another.
Only a fool would pretend to have never been afraid or experienced fear.
Fear is never irrational to the person who experiences it. Regardless of the reason.
The reason isn't the point of it, it's just what starts it.
Unchallenged, it remains and can get worse over time.

All negative emotions have their beginnings in a fear of something.
Never let fear get the better of you. It's only a reaction to an event or thing.
Left unchecked, it slowly turns into anger, hatred and worse...
Depression and various psychological disorders stem from it.
They all have a degree of anxiety built into them.
Meds won't cure any of them, but talk therapy can.

Fear and the anxiety from it makes you smaller by confining your thinking.
Being open about the feelings of fear is the start of stopping it.
Even meds are secondary, they won't work at stopping it.
They just give you a chance to catch your breath long enough to talk about it.
Ativan

i'm not really a world champion in being open. but i have decided to not close off when it comes to things of the present and future. and from there i can start to deal with things of the past that i really don't want to have existed. i'm getting closer to understanding the root of the worst part, all i have to do is accept that i'm no superhuman and start making decisions accordingly.

i think what i fear the most is blame, not living up to expectations or the responsibilities i take on. hiding away when i start failing apparently isn't the right decision, fixing things later is too hard. so now i'm trying to learn how to share the responsibility by asking for help when i need it instead of too late.

there are also some other things i have to find solutions to, like how i hate being monitored because of too much control in my childhood. it's not very practical to get frozen with fear just because someone wants me to report on progress or other things.

in the end i might have to talk to a therapist of some kind. not that i trust those enough, so i hope i can figure this out without one.

Quote from: Taka on September 06, 2013, 04:47:08 PM
i'm not really a world champion in being open. but i have decided to not close off when it comes to things of the present and future. and from there i can start to deal with things of the past that i really don't want to have existed. i'm getting closer to understanding the root of the worst part, all i have to do is accept that i'm no superhuman and start making decisions accordingly.

i think what i fear the most is blame, not living up to expectations or the responsibilities i take on. hiding away when i start failing apparently isn't the right decision, fixing things later is too hard. so now i'm trying to learn how to share the responsibility by asking for help when i need it instead of too late.

there are also some other things i have to find solutions to, like how i hate being monitored because of too much control in my childhood. it's not very practical to get frozen with fear just because someone wants me to report on progress or other things.

in the end i might have to talk to a therapist of some kind. not that i trust those enough, so i hope i can figure this out without one.

Pretty good self analysis! The fact that we live in the now and look to the future is key to a much brighter outlook. The past is all water under the bridge, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change it and to continue to agonize over the past is counter productive and a self defeating black hole.

zzzz

Can we try to stay on topic here?

i'd rather not stick to any topic but the one i want, alice.

Quote from: Shantel on September 06, 2013, 08:09:26 PM
Pretty good self analysis! The fact that we live in the now and look to the future is key to a much brighter outlook. The past is all water under the bridge, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change it and to continue to agonize over the past is counter productive and a self defeating black hole.

my self destructive personality... thanks for reminding me, auntie shan. i wish a person like you existed in my younger life, maybe i'd learned to look at what i can do right now rather than all that i didn't do yesterday. let's try to think of it like i got a chance to make up for some previous mistakes, would be more productive than beating myself up over something that i can't change.

the next two months will probably be hard on me. i have to do just a little more than what i'm really able to handle. but right now i feel like diving into this hell with a determination to get up on the other side as quickly as at all possible.

Quote from: Taka on September 07, 2013, 07:15:29 AM
i'd rather not stick to any topic but the one i want, alice.

my self destructive personality...  i have to do just a little more than what i'm really able to handle. but right now i feel like diving into this hell with a determination to get up on the other side as quickly as at all possible.

Although we do seem to have grown up and somehow managed to stay on topics for the most part,
I long for those days when staying on topic in this section was never the rule,
but rather the thing we refused to do, just because we could.
For Androgyn type people, staying on topic is counter productive due to our very nature of a child like quality of mischief.
It's almost toxic in nature to us, this rule for others, of staying on topic.
As has been discussed in other topics,
running off on wild tangents of discussions about all nature of things Androgyn and straying off topic is more the standard than any rule.
I think we have fallen into the traps of pretending to be all grown up and stuff, acting like the proper grownup *trans people we are a part of.
I don't see it as necessarily a good thing for us.
All this prim and proper way of doing things.

*Damn you society for having us acting like the adults we fail to understand!
There I said it.
It's high time we got back to being the forest,
because those winding intersecting paths that will get you lost,
yet take you where you are going just the same,
are from us running wildly about the trees we so deftly miss in our headlong search for information.
We are the forest. We will change the topics in mid path as it suits us.

We are Androgyn. Escape is futile, you will be assimilated.
*OK, that's really the Borg, but what the hell (*moderator needed here) do we need with this 'stay on topic' stuff anyways?
We never could and never will be able to follow the rules.
It's hard to do when the rules dictate that we act like all adultish and stuff.
Since when did it become organized around here?
Just because we have a topic for derailing doesn't mean we have to use it to go off the rails into some wild tangent of thought that is only understandable by us anyways, huh?
And just because this happens to be that topic for derailing, means nothing.
We should be running helter skelter through the forest yelling out the answers to questions we hear,
while asking even more questions that may or may not be relevant to answers just yelled out in passing.
*Just had to yell that out as I run on the path that leads to who knows where, as if it even leads to somewhere at all. 

As for self destructive personalities, that would seem normal.
Not that we wish to self destruct, but that's one way of approaching things.
Do we really want to play it safe and follow the sensible path?
Or do we want to come out at the end of it, exhausted, yet laughing at ourselves for ever doubting we could do it in the first place.
We can use our anxieties for both a win or for failure.
Don't let the insecurity of the possibility of failure cause undue anxiety.
Use it for that anxiety that tells us to not take flight, but to stand and fight.
As with any great or small adventure, it's about the journey.
Not whether we accomplish the goals set for us by those who don't see the potential for chaotic success.
Stop pretending to be normal and be yourself.
You'll handle whatever comes along, just don't let anyone expect you to do it the way they would.

All such talk from me, the hapless survivor riddled with the holes and open wounds,
of a life filled with anxiety at every wicked twist and turn down these dark paths that lead to who knows where.
It's about the journey. It's about being uncomfortable, but it's about learning to use that.
It's not about the win or failure. Those will happen anyways.
It's how you got here to tell the story of another grand adventure in a society that runs backwards and upside down.
It doesn't matter if you know how to fly or not.
Just know that it only hurts when you hit the ground.
Otherwise, fly while you can.
Jump. It's the only way to truly learn to fly.
Ativan

Has anybody seen my coffee mug? I seemed to have dropped it...

Quote from: Joules on September 07, 2013, 09:24:04 AM
I promise everyone that I will eat a nice steak for dinner.  With whiskey and a baked potato.

Somehow, that makes sense for a thread meant to be for derailing the topic at hand...

Ativan once again I find your lyrical prose and those recent trail metaphors compelling and evocative.  I chair a trails organization here and the concepts of public access and a journey on a pedestrian scale are part of my daily life.  Thank you.
As a girl who has been a paraglidder and literally jumped with gossamer wings you also nicely captured that desire to fly.
Yes indeed, sisters and brothers we can take flight in our imagination and in real time too.
Spread those wings! 

i believe i can fly
i believe i can touch the sky


i might never have ended up here if i were just two inches taller. or hopefully i wouldn't.
always wanted to be a fighter pilot. my genes betrayed me.

Quote from: Taka on September 07, 2013, 01:02:44 PM
i believe i can fly
i believe i can touch the sky

I believe you can.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on September 07, 2013, 02:08:47 PM
I believe you can.

I had a dream that I could fly once, it was so realistic that I awoke believing that it really happened. I launched myself as I was sliding off a second story steep pitched tile roof in Bavaria and suddenly holy crap, I was flying!

some people practice a sort of directed dreaming with flying a frequent element.  Fighter planes, tanks and monstrous weaponry are fun to play with on the military reservations but when the shooting comes back at ya in little green bursts my mind and body recoiled pronto.

Quote from: Tessa James on September 07, 2013, 04:19:20 PM
some people practice a sort of directed dreaming with flying a frequent element.  Fighter planes, tanks and monstrous weaponry are fun to play with on the military reservations but when the shooting comes back at ya in little green bursts my mind and body recoiled pronto.

i had no reason not to follow this dream before my daughter was born. other than lack of height.
i've a feeling i lost sight of everything dreamlike when i realized i'd never be tall enough. the only other alternative was to become a sailor, but that job hasn't been any cool since my dad was a little boy. technology and modern society have ruined my life. i can't even just up and walk straight east in lack of anything better to do, i'll just end up at the heavily guarded russian border.

Quote from: Taka on September 07, 2013, 05:20:08 PM
i had no reason not to follow this dream before my daughter was born. other than lack of height.
i've a feeling i lost sight of everything dreamlike when i realized i'd never be tall enough. the only other alternative was to become a sailor, but that job hasn't been any cool since my dad was a little boy. technology and modern society have ruined my life. i can't even just up and walk straight east in lack of anything better to do, i'll just end up at the heavily guarded russian border.

I hope you will return to your dreams Taka and recognize a vision of yourself as standing tall in so many realms.  That little walk you describe sounds harsh and cold.  I am often uncertain of technology but it does allow us to communicate over oceans of distance.  Trust can require a positive feedback experience to assure us.  Many of us here have benefitted from finding that counselor, friend or confidant that listens and connects with us.

now i dream of becoming a teacher. longer holidays...