Well, I'm about 10 days away from beginning HRT (provided all goes well between now and then) and probably a good six months (at least) away from attempting to go full-time. I feel like I'm straddling two worlds and flitting back-and-forth between being (more like "acting like") a man and letting my hair down and being myself. It's pretty frustrating.

I would guess that I'm not alone in this. Any tips, advice, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Jane

PS. For what it's worth, I have an *excellent* support network, but my work and kids don't know, and I even find myself "filtering" my actions with those "in the know."

PPS. On a related question, when you do you have your friends start calling you by your female name? I told them to call me by however I'm presenting to be less confusing but honestly, I *love* being called Jane.

You are in for a great ride. I know it is difficult to wait.

I have one professional friend who used my name in correspondence, feels great. My ops manager does not want to know my name and it hurts. After me, the intake Social worker then Therapist then he was next in line I came out to. I trust him with my life. But he does not want to know. I tease him sever times a week. Today I texted, So what name do I look like. Next will be hints.

People started called me my new name when it was official and I was wearing female clothes and faked breasts, simply.

And eh, just stop trying. That's the best advice I can give you. Two years before transitioning, since I had to wait after the psychiatrist, and then HRT, anyway, I decided I didn't want to endure the unhappiness of having to pretend anymore. So I started buying only female socks, mittens, scarves, hats, jeans, shoes and sweaters, only leaving the t-shirt male because female tops are just so unmistakably female.

People didn't see me as a real man at all, a few accidentally she'd me, a couple of strangers whispered about me, but most of all, I was happier. Happier not to have to hold back too much anymore, and actually happier to be viewed as a not-a-real-guy, or a doubtful-gender person, than as a guy. Nothing hurts more than being seen as a guy and having your actions be expected to be those of a guy.

And honestly, however awkward a gender combination you may appear to be, if you're yourself and more comfortable, people will be more comfortable towards you and interact with you more. True and tried.

Since You mentioned kids in Your post, I am assuming that You have spent quite a lot of time acting and presenting as a male. That social experience and conditioning has had its toll on You, but do not worry. The further You will advance in Your transition and HRT, the less You will feel that You are straddling both worlds. You will start drifting into the female part - slowly or maybe not so slowly, but inevitably the pace will increase and the most wonderful part of that is - You wont even be noticing that. You will be suddenly catching Yourself that You are acting out differently and that will come as natural. Before I started and even when I was on the initial stages of the HRT, I was afraid that there will be some parts of my previous life which will have too much of an impact on me and will hinder my transition - because I will not be able or will not be willing to part with them. Now, looking back at my fears - to say it mildly - they were unreasonable. I am much more different person now and I cant even track down exact date or period of time when that happened, so at the moment I straddle into the male world very rarely and it gets more and more difficult for me to enter it again. I am sure - the same will happen to You as well

I am in about the same place as you. I will be starting HRT in about two weeks, and I feel like I am teeter-tottering on the edge. I am so desperate to go full time, but have too much work to do to pass right now.

After wasting so many years of my life trying to figure out who I was, now that I know, I just want to be ME.

Once I figured it out, I came out to everyone I knew in the first couple days. I was so elated. Everyone....my Son, my friends, my room mate, my ex wife...all of them were so supportive. Everyone but my Mom, who is still in deep denial. But she will come around. She is just an old-fashioned New England woman.

Everyone calls me Roxanne, unless I am presenting as male in public (a male with painted nails and traces of cosmetics, granted...lol). Everyone refers to me as a "she".

So, you are far from alone. There are others at this delicate stage of a new dawn.

I am tempted to be impatient at this stage, but at the same time I am savoring it...the calm before the storm....that moment of intense anticipation as you lift that first forkful of cheese cake

Thanks so much for the encouraging words and a view of transitioning "from the other side" so to speak. I am moving forward with it, but I've just never been one who does well with change, especially making decisions that might impact others. I've not had good experiences with those.

TaoRaven--Do you mind me asking how old your son was when you told him? I have two boys, 14 and 24. I also have two girls, 20 and 22. Also, when do you start hormones? My endo apt is 9/16. I am hoping to get my script then, especially since I'll be out of town that week.

Jane

My son is 14, will be 15 in November. He is very mature for his age, and a fine young gentleman. Very open minded.

My appointment is set for 9/21, hopefully all goes well. My benefits have not kicked in at my new job yet, so I will be paying out of pocket, but I feel that it is MORE than worth every penny.

And no problem, as for the support That is what we are here for, right?? TO help and support and share knowledge with one another!!

Quote from: -Emily- on September 06, 2013, 04:42:15 PM
The further You will advance in Your transition and HRT, the less You will feel that You are straddling both worlds. You will start drifting into the female part - slowly or maybe not so slowly, but inevitably the pace will increase and the most wonderful part of that is - You wont even be noticing that. You will be suddenly catching Yourself that You are acting out differently and that will come as natural.

This has been my experience. It seems like a snowball effect. The further along I've gone, the quicker my pace.

The drawback is that now I'm even more angry that I waited.

I'm not sure how my boys will react. It'll be a toss up for sure--my very own Shroedinger's Cat.

I just started a new job myself, which I think will make it easier to transition. I don't have the same "relationship history" built up there than I had at my previous employer (ten years).

"Straddling Two Worlds" caught my attention since that is how I've been feeling for a few years now. I have not gone full-time nor is it practical to for a few more years. Part time, like most things trans, is an epic adventure filled with ups and downs. Switching back to male mode eventually becomes harder and more painful each time you do it. For me made all the darker since I am not close enough to the end of the tunnel to see any light. Others in my TG group have said that was when it was clear to them the time has come to make the leap.

Quote from: JoanneB on September 07, 2013, 06:45:55 AM
"Switching back to male mode eventually becomes harder and more painful each time you do it."

OMG this is so much how I feel. In fact, sometimes I forgo female mode for that very reason.

I agree about switching back. When I was just starting, I remember I mentally chuckled when I read about those experiences "Now I am in my X-th month on the HRT and I just cant wear male clothes anymore". I was thinking - those are just clothes, people are making fuss out of nowhere and dafuq?

Yeah... right. Stupid me.

I keep thinking what I should be wearing tomorrow, what from my wardrobe is fresh and at least marginally female/andro, and then I look at those jackets and they make me cry. A lot of my older clothes are packed and may never see daylight anymore because they are -  black, grey, black and grey, blue, olive... and L size. Size is not the decisive factor, btw - my emotions are .

Ahahaha. Shall I show you my men's M size (translation: super giant) coat that my mother bought me when I had reached obesity and the most I've ever weighed, as she was trying to plan for me to eventually get fatter? Btw, that was when I weighed over 200, and I'm down at 135 now. Yush, I look pretty ridiculous in it. But coats are expensive and hard to find with my big shoulders, so.

Quote from: A on September 07, 2013, 11:03:48 AM
Ahahaha. Shall I show you my men's M size (translation: super giant) coat that my mother bought me when I had reached obesity and the most I've ever weighed, as she was trying to plan for me to eventually get fatter? Btw, that was when I weighed over 200, and I'm down at 135 now. Yush, I look pretty ridiculous in it. But coats are expensive and hard to find with my big shoulders, so.

I will never be at 135... I kinda try to imagine how wide are Your notoriosly wide shoulders if M size is super big for You... I am just not getting something (I am 5'9", ~ 155 lbs and 17' wide shoulders and I wear M size guys clothes now- because L makes me look like a scarecrow and in S sized shirts my bewbs start sticking out).

QuotePPS. On a related question, when you do you have your friends start calling you by your female name? I told them to call me by however I'm presenting to be less confusing but honestly, I *love* being called Jane.

Before I came out, I had several people ask me if I was "changing" (also "transitioning" was used)...after I said yes (I don't lie, also if the person asks it's not that they're rude, they're just curious) the next question was always, "Have you decided on a girl-name yet?"

At first, I'd sort of whisper it to them with the caution, "I'm not out yet." And they respected that. But after the third or fourth person (and they were all lesbians, self-identified after I said I was transitioning), my voice got stronger and more normal volume...by the eighth or ninth, I suddenly felt a relaxation come over me, and I said to myself..."I'm ready for my new name."

Got in off the road, went straight to my boss, and asked about changing my name at work prior to the court change. She was cool with that, and that afternoon I got my new name tag.

*Poof*, like magic, I took my name and OWNED that sucker...

Emily: I'm 5'5", so overall clothes sizes are gonna be affected by that. And I don't have any breasts at the moment - hopefully my next blood tests in 3 weeks will say my hormone level is too low and I can increase my dose, and hopefully I'm not just immune to them. And women's coats give me lots of problems because of my shoulders. Like, I can wear them, at the condition that I don't try to move my arms. Got a big ribcage that gets squeezed a bit, sometimes, too. That and the fact I'm really poor limits me to the cheaper ones, so I have a big limit to begin with. And of course, coat stocks in thrift stores are below "not massive".

Quote from: A on September 07, 2013, 01:05:06 PM
And women's coats give me lots of problems because of my shoulders. Like, I can wear them, at the condition that I don't try to move my arms. Got a big ribcage that gets squeezed a bit, sometimes, too.

Yup, that is very familiar to me too. I look ok in L size female coats, but S/M sized jackets/tops are too tight for me at the moment - I really hope the HRT will do something visual about my upper part muscles (so far all changes are purely internal - i.e. loss of strenght )

Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 07, 2013, 11:22:40 AM
Got in off the road, went straight to my boss, and asked about changing my name at work prior to the court change. She was cool with that, and that afternoon I got my new name tag.

How cool is that? I wish all of us that kind of support at work!

Quote from: JaneNicole2013 on September 07, 2013, 04:11:09 PM
How cool is that? I wish all of us that kind of support at work!

Well, it wasn't like a bolt out of the blue...I'd kept her up-to-date on me and what I was planning...so when I asked for a new ID, she'd already laid the groundwork.

The lady taking my pic and doing the processing was way cool, even more than my boss (who had to behave in a manner more appropriate to her position)...she was playful and excited and all "woo-hoo!" for me.

Yes, I work at an awesome place.