I am a first time forum user. I always ignored and fought my gender issue. I have known since I was very young that I should be a male. At 14 yrs I would pretend to be a guy in chat rooms. I would have online relationships with girls bc I felt this was the only way I could ever have a relationship. I was a very good liar and hurt a lot of people because of this. I did this for 10 years because I was too afraid to have real people.. around me know what I really am. I was a coward. I finally told my parents and my brother and a few other people i knew would not judge me but I still feel embarrassed about this. I fought this my whole life bc I just wanted to be a normal person. I hate my physical appearance and have no self confidence. My last gf who I lied to for a long time before i finally told her the truth, was actually going to try and make it work with me. I had made a move to be closer to her, but there was too much resentment built inside her for all the lies I told and she ended it. I hate myself for this monster I had become, pretending to be someone I am not and lying to people and hurting them. I truly feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. I just want to find myself and change my appearance so that maybe.. i will have confidence in myself for once. I am currently looking for a therapist, but that will be pricey with no insurance. I also live in a small town away from all my family and friends. I am afraid by the time I have the money to make changes to my appearance that I will be too old and it wont work as well. I am 29 now.  I definitely feel lost, I hope I can find a way to be happy with myself soon.

*hugs* Welcome to our family, and remember, you are never NEVER truly alone.  You now have all of us.

I started when i was 41 so your not too old. and believe me when i say that testosterone will help you to make changes with you appearance . And your among family here. I know it's not the same as being in the physical world but we do what we can here to help. You are not alone. We all do things when we are teenagers that we are not proud of, and we can't change our past no matter how hard we try. I thought that i would be alone for the rest of my life as well, after my wife kicked me out. but my loneliness didn't last long. You will find someone that will love you for you, there is lots of time...

i usually am a guy online. no pretending, i simply am a guy when i am one. (except for those times when i'm not a guy, that's really awkward.) but i somehow ended up coming out before it was too late, and found a good enough support that i could manage to tell the people who might potentially get hurt. one girl heard it from someone who outed me to her because he's too religious to think it's ok for two girls to flirt with each other in a chat (i hate him a little for that). was fun to see her try to verbally kill him when he tried calling me anything other than a guy (she's one of the cutest girls i've known, too bad she lives in the wrong part of the world).

it's possible to find supportive people out there. it takes getting past the extreme vulnerability, risk getting hurt, at an early enough point in time when trying to get close to someone. some people might be willing to accept a man with a female body. you shouldn't say you pretend to be a man, you are one if you believe that you are. the only thing you've hidden is your past and current life as a female, pretending to be a woman because that's all you know how to do irl. not telling people about something like this when trying to get close to them isn't the smartest thing to do, but i don't think the lie wasn't without some truth.

if you feel like a monster, try to become human. humans are vulnerable, imperfect, weak, insecure. all kinds of things that are difficult to hide without becoming a monster.

you aren't too old to do a makeover on your body so you get a better house for your soul. 29 isn't old at all, i'm only a year younger than you and still planning to try transition. i'll be happy if i can start before i'm 30, but i won't bet on it. i'm glad i don't have too much dysphoria related to my body, i can afford to take my time.

Thanks to everyone for being so understanding. I was not sure that joining a forum would make me feel any better and it has made me feel tons better knowing I am not the only one out there that feels this way. I know that I will find the courage to finally be comfortable with myself and not be afraid to put myself out there. I am probably one of the lucky ones, my family is very supportive and accepting of me. I am also happy to know that it is not too late to make the transiton into a body that I will have more confidence in. Thank you all so much

Yeah, 29 is definitely not too old. I've recently started testosterone therapy at 41, and I'm already seeing (and hearing) some very reassuring changes even at my age.

I couldn't transition earlier for personal reasons but I can do it now, so I'm doing what I need to do. If finances are a concern, just doing simple things like binding and packing can help, and going on T will help tremendously when you can afford it. It certainly makes it easier to cope with the wait for surgery, should you choose to have any.

I'm also worried about being alone, but the truth is there's no way I can enter into another relationship as a female. I just can't put up with having those body parts used in that way. So one of the reasons why I'm transitioning is so that I can attract the right kind of person, who will want me in the right way.

Yeah I def agree with you FTMdiaries. I def feel like I need to make transitions before I can even think of getting into a relationship again. I need to be comfortable with myself and appearance before I can worry about finding someone that will love me for me. I know that once I look like a guy, I will feel better about myself. I will def being doing T and also once I can afford the surgery at least do a double mastectomy. I absolutely hate that I am short too but theres nothing I can do about that lol

Hey Wkly it almost feels like I am reading my own post.

I am in the same boat, expect I pretended to be female online for years. I am still in the process of trying to come out to my family and I am trying to get myself "stay true" to my feelings.

It is hard, but everyone here at Susan's is very helpful and I has helped me at least take the first few steps towards moving forward.

Hope your journey goes well!