On the 10th August, my eldest son will be 18. I last saw him and his brother to talk to at Christmas 2000, nearly 7 years ago now. During the last 7 years, I have always sent Birthday cards, Christmas cards and helped pay for his holidays and educational needs, that he may have.

I decided long ago that on his 18th Birthday I would write to him and I offer this letter to everyone here for your thoughts and comments. I have tried to avoid the really emmotive issues, tried not to put any blame on his Mother (who effectively got me thrown out of his life) and not gone into a long medical justification for my actions.

My Dearest Matthew,

First let me wish you a happy 18th Birthday, it was the one of the highlights of my life when I held you in my hands as a new born baby all those years ago.

I also want to say I am sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused you over these past years. I have always loved you deeply (and continue to do so), as I do your Brother and Mother, the only person I did not love in our family was myself.

This letter is not by any means a justification, of what I had to do all those years ago. I took away some of your Childhood, which I will always feel great guilt for. I also don't intend to go into any medical reasons of justification for my actions.

There is information available through the internet, if you ever wish to read about Transsexualism, the effects and the medical treatment. All I will say, it was something I eventually could not avoid and had no choice but to do.

I will never ask for your acceptance, I will never ask for your understanding, I have no right for your forgiveness. All I do ask is that now you have become a man, you use your own judgment to decide if you ever want to have a relationship in any form with me, now or in the future.

I will never stop being a parent, the memories of our times together will never fade, the photos I have of you will always be displayed, proudly where ever I live. I will continue to support you throughout your time at University, if that is what you wish. That financial help will always be available and is unconditional.

I may never see you get married; I may never see the children that you may have, that again is something I had to face up to when I took the action I did. What ever happens, if our paths never cross again in this life, you simply where one of the best things that ever happened in my lifetime.

These are my thoughts, my feelings and they come from my heart. I do not expect a reply, your thoughts and feelings are yours and I respect that, all I want you to know is that I will love you forever.



Buffy

PS I am also struggling to know how (and if) to sign this letter.

The girl can write, she can............

I am...............speechless.

In my thoughts, honey.

Buffy,

Tears came to my eyes as I read your post. I too have a son coming up to 18 and a daughter 22. I however have only just come out to my wife several months ago and as yet to my children and family. This is one of the worst things, isn't it? because of the hurt GID causes and I feel for those lost years for you.

Tell him you will always be his dad. What ever happens in life that is one thing that does and should not change.

Hugs and kisses

Nigella

Quote from: Nigella on July 11, 2007, 06:50:54 AM
Buffy,

Tears came to my eyes as I read your post. I too have a son coming up to 18 and a daughter 22. I however have only just come out to my wife several months ago and as yet to my children and family. This is one of the worst things, isn't it? because of the hurt GID causes and I feel for those lost years for you.

Tell him you will always be his dad. What ever happens in life that is one thing that does and should not change.

Hugs and kisses

Nigella

I can't imagine what people must go through who have children and have to sit them down and tell the 'their daddy wants to be a woman' after years of playing and appearing as the father figure for the last 20 years.

I've personally never experienced any changes in my life like that and have never lead 'another life' that could cause problems in later life. Unfortunitely I wasn't able to produce children, due to many reasons including low testoterone levels and my possible intersexed condition (tests are still ongoing).  But I do think to some extent that the unfortunite people that are in this situation has (to a certain extent) been created by themselves over many years. The children see the person as their 'father' and although some except the situation, many cannot ever come to terms with what's happened and will reject that person.

I can see both sides of the arguement and totally sympathise with the children involved. I know there are underlying factors and possible family pressure's as to why someone may choose to live a life of a hetrosexual family man for 20 years but the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes. I personally will never understand it.

Maybe I am an exception in transsexual circles as I chose to stay true to my own gender orientation and female persona early on in my life. I never married a women as I knew it would not be fair on the other person and most people who know me, knew my objectives, female presentation and orientation from the outset as a teenager.

Now I imagine many folk on the forum will be asking....if the tables were turned and It was 'me' in the situation of 'The hetrosexual guy in a relationship for 20 years' and had children, would I undergo a gender change? and I think I would say I wouldn't. I see children as so precious and would sacrifice my own desire's for theirs......but I wouldn't entirely conform in the normal sense and would find a 'middle ground' where I would probably present myself more like a feminine looking long haired rock musician.........come to think of it that's probably how I might look to some people anyway..

Good luck Buffy and hope it all works out...... x

I understand that those who have a spouse or partner who reacts badly to one's transition and shuts the person out of the childrens' lives have a particularly painful time, and I know I can't relate to it because I haven't experienced that particular situation.  The one thing that bothers me about your letter, though, is that it feels to me like there is a lot of internalized shame, and too much apology for how you are. 

I have to wonder why "I will never ask for your acceptance, I will never ask for your understanding, I have no right for your forgiveness."

It almost sounds as if you are admitting that by having GID and deciding to transition, you have done some horrible thing, worthy of being shut out of your kid's life forever.  As I see it, what you have done is to be true to yourself, and that makes you a brave and worthy role model for your children.  By being yourself, you give your children the permission to do likewise, in whatever ways they may need to, and I think that's a good thing, even while the actual process may be somewhat painful. 

As I said, I haven't exactly dealt with this precise situation, and when I came out as a lesbian years ago when my kids were three and four, I was lucky to have a spouse who although he was terribly hurt by my decision never used it against me and did not attempt to alienate my kids from me.  They grew up knowing that whoever they were, they would be accepted and loved and supported by both of their parents. 

I understand that many people here have had terrible painful rejections from their spouses and children, and I'm not trying to dismiss or minimize the importance or reality of that.  I'm just saying that I wonder if it wouldn't be better if we could go through these life changes without feeling such a sense of shame and regret and without the attitude that "me being me is a terrible, hurtful thing to everyone in my life and if you never want to talk to me or see me again I will understand, because I suck."

I do expect my (now young adult) children to accept me and love me, and to make a reasonable effort to adapt to and understand necessary changes in my life, just as I have always done for them.  I guess I just refuse to believe that having a transgendered or transsexual parent is the worst thing that can happen to a kid, and we should all stop apologizing for it if we are otherwise good and loving parents.

Quote from: Rob on July 11, 2007, 09:10:13 AM
IIt almost sounds as if you are admitting that by having GID and deciding to transition, you have done some horrible thing, worthy of being shut out of your kid's life forever.  As I see it, what you have done is to be true to yourself, and that makes you a brave and worthy role model for your children.  By being yourself, you give your children the permission to do likewise, in whatever ways they may need to, and I think that's a good thing, even while the actual process may be somewhat painful. 

Surely if the person was really 'true to themselves' and they wouldn't have lived the lifestyle they 'chose to live' for the last 20 years......

I'll never understand it but I also believe someone who is in a 'regular family situation' and many years later decides they want to transition should get the support they need. That also goes for the kids who also may need a lot of support.

QuoteSurely if the person was really 'true to themselves' and they wouldn't have lived the lifestyle they 'chose to live' for the last 20 years......

People arrive at the necessary strength, resolve and self-awareness to deal with their particular issues--i.e., actualize their "true selves"-- at vastly different times in their lives, through some combination of upbringing, familial and societal influences and pressures, and maybe the grace of whatever higher power you believe in.  That's why there are so many formerly-married-with-children lesbians and gays, and so many TG/TS people starting transition later in life.  It's not unusual.  I deeply hope and believe that it's never too late to begin living an authentic life. 

Quote from: Kiera on July 11, 2007, 03:18:14 AM

Quote from: Buffy on July 11, 2007, 12:51:37 AMPS I am also struggling to know how (and if) to sign this letter.

For You I Will Always Be Your "daddy" (or Your Father) and Nothing Can Ever Change That, (or some variation on)

Love . . .

Two sons? You must give your boys at least that much. You know I have a Matthew too Buffy, he is 7 and having been in Maine for only the last two weeks surprizingly his mom says he crys sometimes and misses me very much.

Will say a Prayer, Cross My Fingers & Good Luck, 

That is the perfect way to sign it and I think that he will understand or come to understand eventually what you had to go through.

Quote from: Rob on July 11, 2007, 10:24:11 AM

QuoteSurely if the person was really 'true to themselves' and they wouldn't have lived the lifestyle they 'chose to live' for the last 20 years......

People arrive at the necessary strength, resolve and self-awareness to deal with their particular issues--i.e., actualize their "true selves"-- at vastly different times in their lives, through some combination of upbringing, familial and societal influences and pressures, and maybe the grace of whatever higher power you believe in.  That's why there are so many formerly-married-with-children lesbians and gays, and so many TG/TS people starting transition later in life.  It's not unusual.  I deeply hope and believe that it's never too late to begin living an authentic life. 

Thanks Rob,

There are many pressures in life that affect a person's decision to start transition and it is a well know fact that the majority up till now have been people in their 40's + years that have decided to do something about their GID after trying to suppress it for many decades. I am such a person. The psychiatrist ask me this week what I would do if I could do anything in my life, I clearly said turn the clock back 30 years and start again, but I can't

To some extent it is harder to make decisions now that you know will affect so many more people and may even hurt them. Faced with life as I am or life as I was I have to go with the decision I have made. If I did not I may not live to see my son's 21st, I know that is a reality that my GID throws up. My wife said she would rather see me happy than dead, I hope my children will say the same.

hugs and kisses

Nigella

Just chiming in  to let you know that I have absolute admiration and respect for you Buffy. 

Despite your invitation to comment on your letter, I choose not to do that, since the letter is perfect as it is.  To sign or not to sign? I trust once you decide what you will ultimately do with the letter - that too, will be answered.

Thanks for sharing this with us - it's truly an honour.

Big hugs my friend,
Guymade

Buffy, you are quite amazing, and I appreciate your sharing such a sensitive and deeply personal message with us.
How to sign?  Gee, that's a tough one. 
I'm not sure I would sign it.  I would only know what to do just before sealing the envelope.
Thanks so much for sharing,

Bev

Buffy,

This has really set me off with a bawling fit.  Oh how I can relate.  I had to take a break before I replied for my eyes are all red and swollen now.  These are words from your heart.  I can feel them from you, a real person and not just some entity that sends a card once in a while.

How to sign it?  I don't know.  After all these years, I still don't know.  Whatever you choose, should be very appropriate.

You have a misspelled word towards the last:

Quoteyou simply where one of the best things that ever happened in my lifetime.

Take care dear. 

How do we handle these emotions?  Will it ever get better?

Cindi

A big thanks to everyone for all the responses, this has (and will continue to be) a tough time for me.

I have taken everyones comments and will modify my letter over this weekend.

To answer some of the questions and comments above.

Yes.. I do feel deep guilt at what I did, I abandoned my Children, thats my perspective and why I feel I have to apologize to my son. I dont have any right to ask for his forgiveness, all he ever was, was an innocent party in this chain of events. I did have another choice, which was suicide and I tried that, but I do not wish my son to be exposed to that truth.

My ex-wife never wanted me to find happinnes, she made things difficult from the start, phoning my employer, telling her friends total lies, taking me to court and banning me from seeing my Children, but yes, I still love her and I guess If I was in her place, I may well have thought the same. Her sole aim was to protect the Children both emotionally and financially, not make my life easier by accepting what was happening with love and best wishes.

Her comments to me where "I would rather you be dead, than humiliate me and the boys"

As a Parent my love is (and will always be) unconditional. My exwife once asked me what I wanted our sons to be when they grew up (meaning profession), my reply was simply "Happy". I feel that I have contributed to a level of unhappiness, which again is part of the guilt that I feel.

I never intended this to become an issue around wether it was right or wrong for me as a TG to have Children. That was not the debate. Thousands of people get divorced each year and the sad part is that no one wins (except Lawyers of course). If I had walked out on my families life to be with another woman (or man), would it not be the same?  If I had died of cancer, been put in prison for a long period, the effect would still be the same, a parent absent from their Childrens life.

No matter who we are (Male, Female), the majority of us still have the same biological urges of that gender, my ex wife also wanted to have children, would I have been selfish to deny her that wish? I was married for 15 years before my own personal pain and torture became to much to bear. As a post op TS, I no longer have the ability to take part in and witness, to me which is one of the wonders of the Human Race, give birth.

I can still remember the day clearly when I sat down with an 11 and 9 year old and told them that Daddy had to leave, because he was going to be a girl. I can still remember them crying, hugging and begging me not to go, I can still remember their Mother telling me to go and never come back. Thats where the guilt comes from.

My life is good, my life is happy and I have achieved much since transition, totally rebuilding what was the wreckage of my previous existance. All that has been possible because I have never stopped believing that I will see my Children again, to hold them and tell them I love them. That hope will never die so long as I have a breath left in me.

Buffy

Quote from: Kiera on July 11, 2007, 08:09:22 PM

Quote from: Nigella on July 11, 2007, 01:42:58 PMThe psychiatrist ask[ed] me this week what I would do if I could do anything in my life, I clearly said turn the clock back 30 years and start again, but I can't

Nigella, I suppose it is easier to regret the last 30 years when your children "are done", happy healthy and finally ready to go out on their own but ask yourself seriously would you trade them to do it all over again? Even if they reject you now? I've certainly seen how parenting can often wind up being a frustrating, unrewarding experience for many in the end but somehow I do not think you fit that profile.

Kiera,

Thanks, no I don't regret those years and I too love my kids very much, (would die for them). Its the possible hurt when I (we) tell them, whenever that will be. If I had been honest with myself and my wife back then we may have still married, and my children would have accepted it as a normal part of family life. I suppose its easier to look back in hindsight than to look forward not knowing what will happen.

I didn't fall in love, go into marriage and have kids knowing full well that I would want to transition and I suppose no one really knows how or what the future will be. I can only live in the present and deal with that. My wife and children are the most important thing in the world to me and its that that makes it the hardest thing to do and come out with.

Buffy, sorry to high jack your post, just replying to Kiera

hugs and kisses

Nigella

Quote from: Nigella on July 12, 2007, 05:00:19 AM

I didn't fall in love, go into marriage and have kids knowing full well that I would want to transition and I suppose no one really knows how or what the future will be. I can only live in the present and deal with that. My wife and children are the most important thing in the world to me and its that that makes it the hardest thing to do and come out with.

Bev, sorry to high jack your post, just replying to Kiera

hugs and kisses

Nigella

I'm amazed Nigella, usually you know you are transsexual right from a very early age and for many it's hard to intergrate as a male or continue in that persona for very long. You say in your post that you had no idea or desire you wanted to transition when you got married, so I ask 'why the sudden change in thought'  20 or more years down the line? to me there are many people jumping on the 'I'm a transsexual' bandwagon when they are in their middle years who never considered it or wanted to do it when they were younger.

I'm amazed Nigella, usually you know you are transsexual right from a very early age and for many it's hard to intergrate as a male or continue in that persona for very long. You say in your post that you had no idea or desire you wanted to transition when you got married, so I ask 'why the sudden change in thought'  20 or more years down the line? to me there are many people jumping on the 'I'm a transsexual' bandwagon when they are in their middle years who never considered it or wanted to do it when they were younger.
[/quote]

Berliegh, I don't know where you get your information from concerning TG but many people try to suppress it all their life. Don't get personal in this please and don't judge my reasons. I don't think anyone would want willingly to jump on this bandwagon do you? To potentially loose everything, my family, home, possibly job. Who I ask would do that. I would love to be without it for it has followed me all my life.

I for one would like to be without gender dysphoria. Perhaps you should read "Understanding gender dyshporia" Pub MIND. I quote, "Later adulthood can be very difficult. Years of trying to overcome a deep rooted desire and coping with anxiety can lead to depression. For some, the pressure is so great that they attempt suicide. Many re-assess their lifestyle when they come to later life. Some seek professional help" end quote.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15243.msg116626.html#msg116626 topic of ramifications of living with undiagnosed GID. Hope that helps Berliegh.

So no sudden change of thought, rather a case of coming clean, if that's the right word. I did not say I had no desire, I did not want to face the facts.

My hat goes of to you for always being you. I did not, if you want an apology for that then I am sorry for not being honest to myself and family for decades.

Nigella

Quote from: Berliegh on July 12, 2007, 05:45:41 AM
. . . why the sudden change in thought'  20 or more years down the line? to me there are many people jumping on the 'I'm a transsexual' bandwagon when they are in their middle years who never considered it or wanted to do it when they were younger.

I know you asked the question of Nigella, but since I'm beginning transition at 51, I take it as generally addressed to all late transitioners.  From what I've read, that experience that people talk about of being three years old and having a deep certainty and clarity that one is in the "wrong body" is by no means universal or definitive. 

I had the requisite feelings and experiences throughout my life, but my early life was hugely chaotic and stressful and included various kinds of emotional and sexual abuse, and trust me, telling my mommy and daddy I wanted to be a boy wasn't on the top of my agenda.  My entire focus as a child was to remain invisible, not rock the boat, try to save my mother's life, and avoid attracting unpleasant attention from my (literally) crazy father.  In a childhood like that, who you are gets deeply buried under the masks you put on simply to survive, and it can take years to do the archaeological work to uncover yourself again.

That said, I did tell them, in many ways, to the best of my ability at that time and in that place--I hated being dressed as a girl, begged for boy clothes for Christmas, and was upset as a toddler because I couldn't pee standing up like my big brother (I also had a big sister, whom I never cared in any way to emulate). 

I have a whole long list of signs and portents from the entirety of my life, in fact, that clearly support my being transsexual, but honestly, for most of my life up to this point I was busy trying to stay sane and keep from killing myself; I had other stuff that had to be dealt with first before I could even consider confronting this issue, and it's only been after much work and recovery and healing that I'm in a position to now deal with this.  It's not that I "never considered it or wanted to do it" when I was younger, there were very compelling reasons why I could not do anything about it sooner.  From what I've read here, and elsewhere, I'm certainly not the only one.

But then, I wonder why I'm even explaining.  Are you the transgender police or something?  Why should anyone here be put in the position of having to defend who they are or why they didn't know themselves better earlier in life or start transitioning sooner? 

bandwagon:  A popular trend that attracts growing support

I really hope you aren't suggesting that people who transition late are simply doing it because it's the latest fad (and oh!  so!  much!  fun!), or that our experiences are somehow less valid or real than those who were clear about everything from toddlerhood.  That is what your use of the the phrase "jumping on the 'I'm a transsexual' bandwagon" suggests, and frankly, I find it offensive and judgmental.

Not trying to start any arguments here, just stating my reaction, and trying to take the positive view that you simply don't understand and would like to, though you might have expressed it in a less inflammatory way.

But then, I wonder why I'm even explaining.  Are you the transgender police or something?  Why should anyone here be put in the position of having to defend who they are or why they didn't know themselves better earlier in life or start transitioning sooner? 

Thanks Rob,

Why should we have to defend ourselves and our reasons and lives to others. We are the one's who live with this in our own unique situations.

Sorry Buffy

Nigella

Buffy;

The real letter you want your son to read is here.

But first, you need to open the door a bit, and entice him to -- of his own volition -- want to know more about his dad, and act on that desire.

I so want to see that happen for you...

Karen

Quote from: Kiera on July 12, 2007, 04:21:17 PM
....... Bev, your "2"? )

You're 2?  LOL....how the heck did I get dragged into this?  Okay, *sigh*  I'll explain.  My dabbling with hrt went on and off for about 5 yrs, and it didn't gain me much but confusion and more pain.  I list age as 2 in my profile, because I made my comittment and started proper hrt on Jan 13, 2005.  That's when I decided to spend the rest of my life as a woman.

So, now that I've been taken by surprise and dragged into this, first I'll say I didn't read Berleigh's post.  I don't anymore.  Just don't.
HOWEVER, the tone of this conversation is clear to me, and I'll just leave it there.

Bev
2 1/2, going on 3