I'm sure this question has probably been asked many times before, but what do you think is better, being stealth or open about your trans status? I'm about to start university and I'm unsure whether or not to be open about it from the offset or to try and make up some excuse (I'm not on hormones yet but I'm out and consider myself to be full time). Most people at home know that I'm trans and it's no secret. My attitude has become if people have a problem with it, in the politest way possible, they can shove their opinion where the sun doesn't shine. However, I don't want to be known as 'the trans guy' at university. I just want to start as male where nobody knows the old me. But I'm not sure how to answer any awkward questions that people may ask e.g. why is your voice so high? Why don't you have facial hair? Are you trans?

Do you think I should be proud of who I am and explain I'm trans, or keep my past a secret? Also, I have no idea what to say when those awkward questions are asked.

Ah, Joey, let me give you the bad news first. Your topic is going to suffer a painful death and end up locked. They always do.

I'm open as can be, people who see me in guy mode ask if I have any new Devlyn pictures. I'm a twofer and damn proud of it. This dude is also a sexy lady.

You're likely to get a range of answers, the most common theme being that in the end its totally personal and up to you.  If you decide on stealth, what to say to those awkward questions: the same thing a cis person would say, "None of your business", "Go away", "What kind of question is that?", "Because that's the way I am", "No I'm not trans, are you?"

Well, it depends how well you pass. If you pass well, I honestly suggest you take the stealth approach. I was forced to be out because I didn't pass - I didn't look male enough to make up any excuse so I had to be out for a while. But I, like you, hate to be known simply for being trans.

Being out if you have to isn't so bad as long as you have the backing of your teachers and main peers. That is what allowed me to deal with whatever ignorance (malicious or well-meaning) came my way.

Ah dear, that's probably why I don't see many around haha. Ok let me change my post a little. If anybody has any advice on this subject and is happy to discuss it with me, please PM me if this thread gets locked!

That's really good you can be that open. Good on you for being proud of who you are! 

Those are actually good responses Alice, thanks. I might not use the go away one as I have to live with these people, but the rest are pretty good

Yeah I'm not on hormones or anything so I don't think I pass but I've been passing a lot lately so I'm not sure if it's my overcritical mind. The university is 100% behind me and are making my enrolment as easy as possible for me so that I don't get outed. They've been amazing so I know they'll have my back if any serious problems arise. I don't know my peers yet so I'm not sure what they're going to be like. I'm thinking of going as male and appearing confident in myself. If I seem confident, I'm hoping people are less likely to doubt me. At the same time, I'm trying to prepare myself for if it does come out.

Yeah, I'd go in and see how things go. If you pass, I think you should enjoy it. And if enough people see you as male from the get go, you can correct the few who do get it wrong.

Think of it this way-- is being known as "the trans guy" the worst possible thing to be known as? You could be known as "the [race] guy" or "that effing irritating guy that can't do X to save his life". You're probably going to be known as some kind of one-trick pony to most people who've heard of you; being the "trans person" sounds a heck of a lot better than most other things. But that's just me. I would kill to be even read as trans.

I never looked at it like that before, that's an interesting way to look at it. Thanks for that, you've given me something to think about and a good insight into things

I'd be open about it. Back when I hadn't come out yet and only a few people knew, it was "meh", but now that literally all of my friends know and are cool with it, i'm free to say/ do things. If I was stealth and they somehow found out, I would worry how they'd react (and if you're stealth you'll worry how they'll react IF they do find out). If you're open about it, you'll attract and keep accepting people in your life.

I tried woodworking/stealth.  It didn't work for me.  It was like trading one cage for another.  I want to get to know people, and to do that I have to talk at least a little about myself.  And I'm not willing to tell a new friend "none of your business" if they ask a question that turns out to be awkward.

I don't know what university you are going to, but chances are you are not the only trans guy there.  Maybe you'll be known as "that other trans guy" or "the nice trans guy - not like the other three."

- Kate

<<<< Stealth... NO. Open....NO. Normal....YES.

Izzy

Quote from: mind is quiet now on September 12, 2013, 10:27:02 PM
<<<< Stealth... NO. Open....NO. Normal....YES.

Izzy

You recommend being normal?  That's no fun

As you know, I'm transitioning openly at work in front of people who've known me for more than 5 years. So I had to come out to all of them and explain that I would be changing my name, starting hormones and having some ops. I'm doing it right under their noses; there's no possibility of stealth for me.

Having to reveal so much personal information caused a huge spike in my anxiety because I've spent so many years hiding myself away almost to the point of being paranoid about anyone knowing the truth. I was terrified of people actually knowing something very personal about me.

But it went very well. All of my colleagues, clients and suppliers have been absolutely wonderful and very accommodating. If they have any negative opinions, they keep them to themselves. So after only a few months of anxiety (LOL) it all got better and I just got on with the business of doing my job.

If I had my own way about this, I would be stealth. But that's just not possible when I desperately need to keep my job in this current market. It's easier for me to transition in a relatively safe job, and then consider moving on after the market has recovered and I've completed my transition. I may well try being stealth in my next job, just to see what it's like.

But as for Uni, it's not like secondary school where everyone is in everyone else's business. You're about to become a very small fish in a very big pond, and the overwhelming majority of students and lecturers won't know you from a bar of soap. So if you want to be stealth, why not just introduce yourself as Joey from such-and-such city, who is studying such-and-such course, and leave it at that? None of the other students are going to tell you their medical history, so you don't have to tell them yours if you don't want to. You could excuse your voice and appearance as being features of a late puberty, which will make a lot of sense when you suddenly hit puberty in a few months' time. 

If you do choose to tell a couple of people, it probably won't make its way around the campus like it does in secondary school because it isn't the same kind of gossipy environment. And if it does come out completely, well you ain't going to be at Uni forever, and once you start work you'll most likely never see any of those people again, so you could always reinvent yourself as stealth after you graduate.

I recommend a combination. I want people who know me and I consider friends to know who I am. My history is part of me.

I want people I'm just meeting to get to know me as a woman, not a trans woman.

Quote from: Joey. on September 12, 2013, 07:52:43 PM
I'm sure this question has probably been asked many times before, but what do you think is better, being stealth or open about your trans status? I'm about to start university and I'm unsure whether or not to be open about it from the offset or to try and make up some excuse (I'm not on hormones yet but I'm out and consider myself to be full time). Most people at home know that I'm trans and it's no secret. My attitude has become if people have a problem with it, in the politest way possible, they can shove their opinion where the sun doesn't shine. However, I don't want to be known as 'the trans guy' at university. I just want to start as male where nobody knows the old me. But I'm not sure how to answer any awkward questions that people may ask e.g. why is your voice so high? Why don't you have facial hair? Are you trans?

Do you think I should be proud of who I am and explain I'm trans, or keep my past a secret? Also, I have no idea what to say when those awkward questions are asked.

I think you should do what you feel most confortable with.
some people are more into being stealth some prefern being open it may also depend on your universaty, some place can be pretty horrible being open at while others is accepting or you might be somewhere where you can share more personal storys with your classmates or a place where you just go study and leave.
-
Personally I prefern being open as I dont really like being stealth, ironically I am currently stealth on my school.

I dont think you need to bring it up unless they ask you or your in the topic, they probably wont, even if they question why you dont have facial hair or your voice your probably just gonna get a comment like "you look very young or something along the line" remember some cis guys also look young, and do not grow a beard well.

I'm out, but no one is 100% out. You don't go advertising, unless you wear a sign, which I don't. I think a lot of people know I'm trans because I haven't changed where I go and what I do that much. I think if your stealth you can't just decide to go to the same places. People will notice that something is up. I've gone from ma'am to sir--- called that by the same people. I don't think that it matters to 80-90% of the people I run into. I think it is totally up to you. There are benefits with each tbh. I am an advocate, and pretty much decided I would do this before I transitioned but it isn't for everyone. You take your own path Joey.

--Jay

I'm stealth to the people that don't know, and open to the people that do.

I think I can now go stealth. I was talking on the phone with my bank. And the rep I was talking with thought I was my SO. She would not accept that I am indeed *male name* After telling her I am *male name* five times she finally accepted the fact. People I don't know use nothing but female pronouns when refering to me. 

Quote from: Bijou on September 13, 2013, 02:59:11 PM
I'm stealth to the people that don't know, and open to the people that do.

100% this

I can't give direct advice about stealth vs open, but I will share that my daughter does not pass well yet but she is confident in her own comfort.  This amazes me because most cis folk are just self conscious being"normal"...
She is just herself when presenting herself in a more feminine manner.
She was painfully self conscious presenting male. I personally don't care whst people think of me when I am with her. I do worry about someone with their own issues being obnoxious to her.
Only if someone I know chooses to share their transition would I even consider speaking of it to anyone else.
I am assuming most people really wouldn't care.
I imagine the subject gets awfully tedious unless you care to be an advocate for trans*.
I wish everyone could just be themselves without fear.