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I am sure you are not alone. Transitioning for me was a last ditch effort to save my life. It would have been so much easier not to transition at all, but the fact is I just could not go on as a male.

I give you a lot of credit to de-transition. I wish you well and hope that you live a long and happy life.

I may not be able to give insight into what you are asking, as for one I was born female and I haven't started transitioning or anything.  But you shouldn't care what others think.  You are you.  You being yourself isn't hurting anyone is it?  You are happy with yourself, and that's all really anyone can ask for.  If you are happy with who you are then that is what matters.  Don't feel like you have to do this or have to do that to be happy.  If you are happy right now with who you are then that is all there is to it.

Everyone has the right, and deserves to be happy. If you think you're happy as a boy, then be a boy I know of several people who detransitioned. And they're all fine and happy. Be who you are

I'd say "Hi" again "Stephani," but I'm not sure you want to be called that.  So you will need to tell me how you want to be addressed.   

Like I said last night, we all really want to find a certain peace of mind.  If you have found that, I am happy for you. 

50+ years, and I'm not there yet.  Maybe someday. 

I de-transition may times over the years. I just never knew i had GID so had not a clue.

Contrary to popular belief GID is not black or white. It is more like 50 shades of gray. Somewhere in there we all fit and its ok. Sometimes you need to test the waters to see if it is whats needed to bring inner happiness. I for one was at the extreme and needed to finish this path to be here today.

As i tell anyone, relax, breathe and take things as you need to stay true to your inner self. Do not let anyone tell you who you are, you know inside and keep walking the path you need either forward or back. Sometimes we all need to take a few steps back before we can take steps forward.

I wish you all the best in your life, be happy for you. Most of all stay safe.

Hugs
Izzy

Quote from: jussmoi4nao on September 11, 2013, 07:00:43 PM
Hey, everyone. sooo ummm jaaa, I used to have an account on here known as Stefani. I was 18 MtF on HRT. And welllll....after 3 and a half moments...it just wasn't working. It's not that I don't FEEL female. I DO I aaaalways have. Since I was 4 approx. And soo yeaah.

I just realized transition wasn't enough for me. It never would be. And it wasn't about passing at all...I passed well! With long hair I was seen as a very great beauty, according to others at least. And even with short hair, off hormones, and being 5'11, flat chested, etc. I STILL pass and am gendered female the majority of the time (almost always gendered female whenever gendered at ALL). So passing or being pretty...it wasn't my worry. I want to be CIS and wellll...I never will be. I didn't want to be what I thought would be - in MY mind personally - at BEST a flawless replica of femininity, but still a male.

So I am going back to being a gay boy. I figure it's more authentic, to me. And you know...the dysphoria's not so bad! Transition...starting this process it changed the way I view dysphoria. So now like, and this is shocking to me, but I LIKE being a boy, actually. And I am happy in my own skin

But here's my worry...is this normal? Does anyone detransition?? Are there success stories? Is it possible my brief stint with transition was all I needed to be happy in my skin as a boy? Or am I just crazy? I dunno, I'm confused. I feel like this all makes sense to ME but comes off as flailing to others like I am just confused...but I'm NOT. I never am. I always know what I want, and I always go after it. What I want just changes....

I dunno. Just looking for others, hopefully those who have been through this to, just to tell me I'm not alone and it's okay to be happy now, in my own skin, and as a boy.

I would suggest you read the post I wrote before this one because it kind of talks about my experiences with this type of issue.

What I have found in my own life is that the Mind is always either for us or against us.  I have begun to read a book called Mind Gym, An athlete's guide to inner excellence by Gary Mack and David Casstevens, ISBN 978-0-07-139597-7.  Essentially wherever the Mind goes, the Body is sure to follow and in my experience, once the Body has conformed to the Mind, the Body becomes an Ally to the Mind by allowing the Mind to have physical success experiences which reinforce the Mind, a circular phenomenon.

I kind of felt like you expressed in your post, until my body began to show the signs of aging which created a crisis for me.  There was no way I was comfortable aging as a man, prior to that I felt like a sort of Peter Pan, androgynous being, drunk on physical youth and without the realization that physical youth is short-lived. 

Quote from: jussmoi4nao on September 11, 2013, 07:26:03 PM
@Jaime,

Hiyaaa again and Seth is fine, now or Sethani LOOLZ, it's what my sister and her gf jokingly call me (I prefer Seth).

But yeaah, I just hope this feeling sticks around! That's what I'm worried about...though I guess life is just a journey of evolution. Constantly changing and reframing to find out what works best for you atm. Maybe what some people take for stable is just stagnant? I dunno. I'm just going to enjoy where I am atm, I think

Life is a journey, Seth.  It is full of unknowns, detours, and dead ends.  But what an adventure!

I am reminded of my favorite poem of all time.

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost, 1920

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,   
And sorry I could not travel both   
And be one traveler, long I stood   
And looked down one as far as I could   
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,   
And having perhaps the better claim,   
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;   
Though as for that the passing there   
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay   
In leaves no step had trodden black.   
Oh, I kept the first for another day!   
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,   
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh   
Somewhere ages and ages hence:   
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—   
I took the one less traveled by,   
And that has made all the difference.

I thought about de transition early on in my HRT regimen, had one of those famous wtf am i doing stages where i looked at everything. I am nearly two years into my transition and hope you find yourself as I have, it's like sailing off and knowing theres shore back there, detransitioning, but im like out to sea, so hope you find your way back well enough <3

oh and since there are poems here, heres one for you also,



Enigmas

You've asked me what the lobster is weaving there with
his golden feet?
I reply, the ocean knows this.
You say, what is the ascidia waiting for in its transparent
bell? What is it waiting for?
I tell you it is waiting for time, like you.
You ask me whom the Macrocystis alga hugs in its arms?
Study, study it, at a certain hour, in a certain sea I know.
You question me about the wicked tusk of the narwhal,
and I reply by describing
how the sea unicorn with the harpoon in it dies.
You enquire about the kingfisher's feathers,
which tremble in the pure springs of the southern tides?
Or you've found in the cards a new question touching on
the crystal architecture
of the sea anemone, and you'll deal that to me now?
You want to understand the electric nature of the ocean
spines?
The armored stalactite that breaks as it walks?
The hook of the angler fish, the music stretched out
in the deep places like a thread in the water?

I want to tell you the ocean knows this, that life in its
jewel boxes
is endless as the sand, impossible to count, pure,
and among the blood-colored grapes time has made the
petal
hard and shiny, made the jellyfish full of light
and untied its knot, letting its musical threads fall
from a horn of plenty made of infinite mother-of-pearl.

I am nothing but the empty net which has gone on ahead
of human eyes, dead in those darknesses,
of fingers accustomed to the triangle, longitudes
on the timid globe of an orange.

I walked around as you do, investigating
the endless star,
and in my net, during the night, I woke up naked,
the only thing caught, a fish trapped inside the wind.


Translated by Robert Bly
Pablo Neruda

If you like being a gay boy and are perfectly happy with that and feel complete, well then I am jealous. Just like james franco I too wish I was gay. But im not. Well I do like men...alot....so maybe i am. But im not. Anyhoo, if you dont have to transition now, more power to you. Just make sure this is your decision, not someone elses, like whoever. The person closest to you could be the person manipulating you to detransition. BTW, three months? That nothing yo fo sho. But better to stop and save your boys.

Transition should make your life better not worse. That's a question many should aks themselves. So if it aint better, there a problem. My life is amazing now. I have a BF, a job, a soon to be apt. with my BF, and a steady paycheck. I couldnt be ahpppier. Well, maybe i could.

 no you are not alone. transitioning is not as easy as it seems.
de transitioning  now is better than after a complete transition. A few people do that also.
plus HRT has some health risks and I believe it can causes depression in some people.

Transitioning is neither easy nor the only solution. Transitioning is the solution when nothing else will do, when you've been to the point of driving down that highway looking for the right concrete abutment to slam your car into so it looks like an accident. (Yes, that was me.)

The only thing that matters is for you to find a way to live happily as yourself, whatever that takes. If it's as a straight male, a gay male, as a trans woman, it doesn't matter. What matters is you finding peace of mind and being able to live with yourself.

I wish you luck de-transitioning and moving forward. Remember, the goal is to be honest and authentic with yourself so you can find peace and happiness however you choose to live.

Juss: 

Be happy in who you are, and love each day as it comes to you. 

Peace.
Kathy

Quote from: LizMarie on September 13, 2013, 06:35:44 PM
Transitioning is neither easy nor the only solution. Transitioning is the solution when nothing else will do, when you've been to the point of driving down that highway looking for the right concrete abutment to slam your car into so it looks like an accident. (Yes, that was me.)

The only thing that matters is for you to find a way to live happily as yourself, whatever that takes. If it's as a straight male, a gay male, as a trans woman, it doesn't matter. What matters is you finding peace of mind and being able to live with yourself.

I wish you luck de-transitioning and moving forward. Remember, the goal is to be honest and authentic with yourself so you can find peace and happiness however you choose to live.

This is so true. Excpet for transitioning not being the only answer for some. For me it is that simple. My life is so much better now I cant even begin to describe it. At first I had trouble viewing myself as female, but now at six and a half months HRT, I can not think of myself any other way. Plus, I now work at a women's mag around all women, who pretty much view me as a woman since they call me she a lot and told me to use the ladie's room. Even dressed very, very male the other day I was missed. trying to use another person's pass on the El today which had male on it, did not work. he took one look at and said NO.

My life is so awesome. Transitioning was the answer. The only one as I tried them all. But I gotta go cuddle with my BF.  night night hheheh i love him. I really do. And I think he is falling in love with me. I can feel it and he shows it even if he doesn't say it. Gawd im so lucky

It sounds like you did not go on with this for long, so at that point it is easier to de-transition, if that is what your heart tells you. Follow your heart, but make sure it is your heart speaking not that of someone else you love. Do what you really want, not what you think you want but what in reality is told you by others - lovers, family, society. If you really feel like you are a gay boy and like that thought, thats great then. And as I said, better to notice that early, that is what the RLE and HRT are there for - to give you an idea if this path is right before going for any irreversible changes. Good luck (sadly I dont see anyone writing here who is in the same situation for support, maybe there will be someone?)

Quote from: anjaq on September 14, 2013, 05:10:34 AM
Good luck (sadly I dont see anyone writing here who is in the same situation for support, maybe there will be someone?)

I am way older but I am in the process of detransitioning. I can't believe I didn't notice this thread because this is exactly why I joined this forum for support on last week. I  am too tired and loopy to say much more right now but I think the key advice has already been given - follow your heart.  Do what is best for you and you alone.  And know that you don't have to totally commit to making a decision one way or the other.  If you do decide to detransition you are not preventing yourself from retransitioning again later. And if you do decide to stick with it for now you can always detransition later if you feel it is not working out.

You are not alone!     I will write more later.

Well this is just from my experience and everyone's is different but...

I started HRT at around 22/23 and was very excited and happy to be on that path. At the time I was very androgynous had very long hair down to my waist (thanks to extensions ) never wore dresses or anything unless going out to the clubs, but did dress very girly. Crop tops and capris etc etc.. I never left the house without makeup and was gendered female a lot, and by those who knew me thought of me as trans before I started to transition.

I was living in Los Angeles at the time, so I never stuck out too much. I got stares from curious people etc, but I was never harassed and was actually hit on even by straight guys occasionally. I always got a lot of complements about how pretty I was, being compared to Jennifer Garner in her "Alias" days as that was a new show at the time lol. At any rate I was doing quite well and comfortable being very girly. I even came out to my mom, I went to visit her at her house a few hours away. I brought my regular clothes not to wear but to show her how I normally present myself. She actually took it well, but from what I remember she was nervous how my 2 sisters and 2 brothers would take it.

I'm the youngest out of 5 which I think had  a lot to do with my de-transitioning. As soon as my nipples changed and my chest felt a little heavier I got very nervous. I just thought how am I ever going to pull this off. My brothers will kill me, and my sisters what would they think?? And my niece's and nephews whom I was very close to would think I was a freak and would come to be embarrassed by me. All of these fears just screamed out to me to stop what I was doing! I'm almost 6'2" have a size 12 foot and a cleft chin. I just thought of all the money it might cost me with electrolysis possible FFS and never did I actually want SRS so maybe I was just confused, or so I convinced myself. I was struggling at school at the time and was out of a job living off of student loans. I kind of freaked out, dropped out of school got a full time job at a print shop. The dress code was very strict unlike where I used to work which was a beauty supply with little to no dress code. Instead of wearing tight shirts and hip huggers and long extensions makeup and nail polish. I was now wearing a blue dress shirt khaki's and loafers. Nail polish and makeup and jewelry was not allowed unless very minimal even for the woman employees. So it was pretty much "boy" time and it translated into my personal life. I just kind of dropped out, and started to go through my guy phase. Ironically I grew my own hair out at the time, maybe a subconscious way of having something girly about me...idk. I started to sport a short goatee from time to time for the first time in my life (this was around 25/26). I didn't go out I stopped talking to friends and I lived at work, moving my way up is all I cared about.

Luckily around that same time I met my now husband of 9 years. From time to time I would wear makeup when going out but it was guyliner and such nothing actually femme. Being that I just turned 35 recently I kind of had a light bulb go off a few months ago. I just thought about my life and the last 10 plus years, how I kind of dropped out and haven't really truly been myself for a decade!! So much time lost I had this realization OMG I Do NOT want to be a man, and I DEFINITELY do NOT want to be an OLD man! I mean aging is aging, but I thought I have to start HRT NOW the sooner the better. I realized that I was ALWAYS a girl and that it's easy to get the lines blurred between femme, gay boy, drag, androgyny and trans etc. When I really break it down and think what I really identify with it would be trans/genderqueer. I thought back to my childhood and yes I wanted to be a girl as early as 4 years old. All the signs were there, it was just easier to be a "gay boy".

I know I may not have the luck of ever looking like a real woman, but I would like to get as close as I can. I feel a very strong connection to the queer community, as I always have. So I have no problem with this, I'm actually happy with being queer. I still haven't come out to anyone as trans yet but my therapist and husband who has accepted me 100% (thank God, don't know what I'd do without him!) I'm just taking it one day at a time. Yesterday at work a customer who is in several times a week greeted me with female pronouns before she caught herself and apologized. That hasn't happened in years and if felt AMAZING!!

I guess to sum it all up I detransitioned because I thought I'd never be 100% female. I was right, I wasn't born female, but I feel the way I do and that won't go away. Some transition easier than others, I think right now I stand somewhere in the middle and before that made me nervous now I'm totally okay with it. So now that I started HRT barely a month ago I'm very happy and excited. There was a short time after I detransitioned where I too was feeling pretty awesome about being a guy experimenting with facial hair etc. I think though in reality that was only for a few short months, and looking back it was more like being in drag. I think for the most part I repressed my feelings and became someone who didn't care about much anymore besides my career and my man and my dog, I stopped caring about me!

I'm struggling with 10 years lost, 10 years I could have been transitioning all the changes that I would have gone through. How I could have lived my life how I wanted to live it, how I could have just toned it down in front of family if it was that big of a deal. I know for a fact my family would never disown me, they are conservative (not in a religious way though) so it could have been done then just as I am doing it now. I think about how much happier I probably would have been and adjusted myself into being comfortable with my body and my presence and my identity. All those things that take so much time to work on, could have been done.

I have to stop myself though and think about how lucky I am to have such a brilliant caring loving husband and the life we have built together with our 2 dogs and how much I love our little family. How he has accepted who I am and what changes are about to happen. I'm so blessed to have him as my partner in life and that I've come full circle and am now ready to accept myself. I believe everything happens for a purpose, I believe I wasn't ready then but I'm ready now. We all wish a lot of things, and we all regret a lot of things. I can only be happy that I'm still young, even if not in my 20's and that I now am excited about life again!!

I'm only telling my story for not only you but to share with others. I'm not saying you're making a mistake and that you'll be back at it in a few years. I think we all need to be happy with ourselves and be okay with that. I just think I thought I was okay, but deep down inside I knew I was not okay. It wasn't till very recently I knew that this was serious and that I needed to do what I needed to do to make me happy for the remainder of my life