I knew I had transgender issues since I was 16 (now 21), and I know I am a woman inside, but I am repressing it because it's better that way for me. I am also autistic as well, so that doesn't help much. I am more of a girl than most girls I know, well at least internally, and I feel like I am living in a prison every now and then. I don't think I could ever become a woman, since I love my family too much, and I don't want them to be embarrass of me, reject me, and feel ashamed about it. At least until my mother passes away.... which could be 30-40 yrs from now.

I think life will be just a long waiting game, since I'll never be completely happy. I'll be be numb, and sometimes sad. And if I were to transition, I wouldn't be able to face my family again the same, and that's just too unbearable for me.


What are good coping techniques to just get through harder time?

Hi,

And first welcome!

You are among friends here and we all know how you feel.

The thing we need to focus on are the positives, sounds crazy!

But firstly there is nothing wrong in being trans*gendered. It is not a medical condition, it is not a mental illness, it happens and it can be treated and corrected so we live normal happy lives.

For MtF such as you - and I, treatment involves hormonal re assignment, socialisation into society as normal women and for some of us surgical correction.

I'm a very normal woman, very happy and have no problems in being me.

You need to talk to your therapist and get a referral to a gender therapist.

You Mum may be very accepting, many of us have no issues with our families.  I worked in the same job for over 20 years as a guy, when I fronted up as me the reaction was... Oh Hi, welcome.

There are articles in the wiki section that can give you ways to tell your Mum and info for her to read.

And don't despair! Geex wish I was 21!!

So welcome again and read through the posts and join in.

BTW I'm in South Australia so welcome from downunder

Hugs

Cindy

Hi. I hope you will give us a name that we can call you instead of "Necromancer"
Now I was in your situation about 15 years ago. Had issues for years, struggling with gender identity, at 21 it really "broke free" and at 23 I could no longer hold it and started that whole process of actually transitioning. Due to my time trying to cope with the issues, I was very reclusive and deemed un-social. I just did not do well with lots of people who were all clearly gendered and felt I did not fit in and so I had only a few friends. Some people sugested the I may be a slightly autistic, because I was really bad at making new friends and such. I dont know if this is connected to the gender issue or not - but it kept to me, I still am not really very good at opening up to people, but I am improving

So I know the situation is freaking scary and at that time back then I was contemplating suicide and was very emotional about this - the reason was that I thought I could never ever do this "sex change thing" - looking up some stories on that in the late 1990ies was not that easy either and some of them came out more as tragical stories plus odd photos in newspapers that told me "no, I do not want to look like that". In hindsight I know that the public likes tragedies more than success stories, so go figure. So I was scared almost to death. But I knew that eventually I would transition or at least try - or I would be dead by 30. So I mustered all my courage and went to the internet forum (basically there was only one back then ) and read and talked about what I feel and what others feel and did. Then I managed to meet one person in real life, who was about to transition and we went for walks and talks and drinks and just really comforted each other in that we are not crazy. This was my opening and encouragement. I could be myself there, we went to local real life support group and eventually that friend and the group gave me the strength to tell my mom, who more or less at that point, as I was already slipping out of the "male mode" and into a bit of a androgynous/effeminate male mode, told me that she suspected something like that already. She was of course still taken back and while being quite supportive in some things, I still was more or less told that it may be better to start living on my own, so I moved into the shared housing of my new friend and this was actually liberating, though I was sad about my mom a bit. To speed things up, now, 15 years later my Mom just loves me as much as ever and we get along just great and even my dad has somewhat accepted all of this and talks proudly of his daughter getting a degree at university and such.

Now of course it is your choice to go for it or not. I know a usual criticism about TG communities is that they encourage transition too much, but that is because for all those in these communities that was the only or best choice at that time. So i cannot give you tips how to cope with staying 30 years or so more in that role - franky I suspect it is almost impossible and if it is possible you will have so many more issues later on as you would basically have to cope with setting up a whole fake male personal and life that then has to be changed.

So really consider if you think you are able to do something like that or if you are saying this because you are in denial, because you feel like you deserve the punishment to live like that or something like that. Or if it at least makes sense to now explore these issues and resolve them completely for you. Even if you then decide to not go for transition but postpone it, to know that this woul dbe your way helps. Though I have heard only of few people who, once fully aware of their feelings and the possibilities of transitioning and the experience of how it actually feels like to do this, can make the decision to go back into that hole.

For me personally another thought was in the game and I think everyone will have that, so I may as well write it down: With 23 in my case (and 21 in yours), your body has yet much more potential to adjust to the change. In my case I did not have full facial hair, not many hairs on arms, none on the chest, still all my hair on the head, no adams apple and so on. One of my motivations to resolve the issue as best as I can at that time was that the longer I would wait, the harder it would get. I felt like testosterone was poisening my body. So I wanted to clear this up - know what I was, what I wanted and then decide if really I could postpone it with all the knowledge I had or if it would be much less pain overall to start right away rather than loose decades to a fake persona, moan the years and body features lost when I transitioned later.

So I would say, join here, read, see what others experience, but most of all check if you can find real life support - someone from a forum that lives nearby, a local real life support group - anything that is not just online or in your head helps to make things real.

Hey, "Necromancer"!

You and I should stay in touch, cuz I'm in almost the exact same boat as you. I don't think I'm autistic, but I'm 21 years old and my gender dysphoria really began to arise around when I was 16. I'm still figuring all this out myself, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

First of all, I really understand the instinct to not transition because you love your family. I'm the oldest of 7 kids, and we are all really close. My family is my life. I'd die for them. I really don't want to hurt them.

I still don't know for sure if I'll transition or not. Lately I've been leaning heavily toward transitioning since I can't imagine living any other way. I'm tired of "coping." I'm just exhausted, and I want some rest. You know?

Here's something to think about: even if you don't transition, could you ever imagine yourself talking to your mom about what you're dealing with? I think a lot of transsexuals scare their families by coming out AND transitioning all at the same time. That's a lot to heap on a poor mother. What I've been considering for myself is the option of telling some people in my family about my transsexualism simply so they know what's going on with me. I won't tell them that I might transition, just that I'm struggling. That way, (a) I can be loved for who I am even if I never get to express it outwardly, since at least my family knows what's on the inside, and (b) if I DO decide to transition, it won't be out of the blue for them.

I don't know about you, but I don't think I can cope all by myself. If I'm going to survive without transitioning, I'm only going to do it if people know who I am and love me nevertheless. I've been coping for now by telling some of my friends that I'm transgender. It has definitely helped. I know opening up to people is hard, but it might be the best way to cope. Only you can decide, though. 

I haven't told anyone in my family yet, so we'll see how it goes. I'll let you know how it works out. Right now I'm taking it slow, which I personally think is good advice for any transsexual person.

All the best!

Also, good music and hot tea really help. 

It comes and goes.

I don't think there's anything I could to do cope, but just keep going on with my life. It has it days, but I am not majorly depress about it, and view it like someone who is an amputee (I hate to compare myself to someone like that). But in a way, they have to suffer for the rest of their life without a leg or an arm, and accept it, the same way I have to suffer without being who I am.

I love my family too much, and it'll be hard, nearly unbearable, since I am so ashamed of the fact that I feel like a woman. I know it's my life, but I feel like if I were to do this, I would make my family suffer so much more than I would suffer myself. They would cry, be upset, be embarrass of me, and it's not worth it all.

Financially, socially, and all that would be a challenge as well.

If I were to transition completely, would I be happier? If only I pass completely, then it could be worth it.

No, I think I am better just to way I am. It's a bittersweet existence.

It comes and goes but never goes away.

It eats you out.

I suggest talking to a gender therapist. There is no commitment but at least you can talk to someone.

To be honest I'm not ashamed of being a woman. Geex about half of humans are female!

Would you be happier? No idea. I went from a suicidal depressed drunk to a happy content active woman.

Do I pass? I don't know and I don't care.

What I do know is that I look forward to every day. I'm happy, people like me, my coworkers now like me. My family like me.

I've lost nothing except shame.

I'm Cindy. I'm very proud to be me. I'm blessed to be me. And the best thing? I am now me.

As so often happens, Cindy has come along, read my mind and then expressed it far more eloquently than I would have - damn you woman!

Quote from: Cindy on September 16, 2013, 04:43:54 AM
I'm Cindy. I'm very proud to be me. I'm blessed to be me. And the best thing? I am now me.

I'm Kelly. I'm very proud to be me. I'm blessed to be me. And the best thing? I am now me.

Well, written Cindy. Really well written.
I am proud to be myself too. I know this was the right thing despite all the stuff that did not always go as hoped, but hey, thats life and if in the end is all well, what does it matter.

Indeed it never goes away. And Necro - I suspect you know that, you did not come here to tell us what you are not doing, but because within yourself you know that you need to do something - and talking to a gender therapist would be a good first step - no one in your family will shun you for that, you dont even have to tell them. Explore your feelings and needs. Envision how the future could be like depending on your choices now, think and axplore your feelings at that. Think about why you came here, why you are mentioning all that now. I think it is a natural thing to be afraid in your situation. Many people have pushed it away at that stage - but it always come back and as it eats at your soul and body as long as it is pushed away, it is better to clear this up now than later. If you can come out of it knowing that you really can deal with it in some way that does not include transitioning, thats great! But to try and push it away and not think about it, like a bad habit or an addiction - and even feel shame about it, that will not work. If anything works along that line it is to come to terms in serenity with your identity and your life. For many that meant transitioning, for some it worked out otherwise, by incorporation of your true persona in a life that treats you as your bith gender mostly. It can work out, but usually also requires that you at least tell your best friends and family about your feelings as well, as only then you can feel free around them. You would not really like to basically pretend all the time to be someone you are not around them - thats a barrier between you and your loved ones that never can be broken as long as you do not show them who you really are and it really is not good to have a barrier between you and the people you love most. It "breaks the transmission of loving energy" to put it in a slightly esoteric wording. Again, it does not mean you have to transition, but be open about how you identify. You dont have to do that now of course, first see a good gentle and informed therapist and do this together.  But I think to live freely, you will have to deal with this issue better sooner than later.

Just my option and my experience tells me that you being in this forum alone means that you have a desire to deal with this now in some way - so I just want to suggest not to let this overwhelm you and dont think you have to do all the stuff people write in the forum about with all the surgeries and such - ignore that for the moment and focus on your own exploration first. All the other stuff could but does not have to apply to you (only few people do require all of these things to be done and as I said some people do not even make a gender transition at all but still have to come to terms with their identity)

Good luck