For the past few weeks,  I've been doing some thinking about my participation on this site.   After some careful deliberation on my part, I have come to question how well I fit in this community and whether or not I've  been a  positive force on this site. As a result, I would like to ask for some feedback from the community and share my potential goodbyes to everyone here in the event that I decide to leave.

Before I request for specific feedback, please allow me to elaborate why I feel the way I do.  In addition to sharing my experiences, asking questions and venting when needed,  my main motivation for joining this site was to help others as best as I can and to be a positive force.  Being transgender isn't an easy thing to deal with; for this reason, it's always been my goal to be there for as many of my trans sisters/brothers and to contribute to their support structure.  It's always been sad to me that some of the most important topics are those with the least amount of feedback.  Even if I don't always have the time to post or read long comments, it's the least I could do if it can potentially cheer someone up or help in some way; after all, whats a few minutes or an hour out of one's day in the grand scheme of things.   While I may not always have great advice or "wise" words to share, I do have the ability to offer my support.  Sometimes just writing a short "congrats" or "we're here for you"  can mean a lot to the recipient of that message- I know this because it's meant something to me when others have done so in the past.  Therefore, I've always tried my best to help and be as supportive as I could.

However, I have recently been having some internal doubts about whether I've always been a positive force.  Truthfully, I'm concerned that some of my posts on this site, even if well meaning, may have had a detrimental impact on others.  Besides my venting posts about the challenges in my personal life, I fear my posts in general may have had a negative influence on some members.  This would be a crushing experience for me because it's the antithesis of what I set out to do when joining.  If my posts have been harmful in any way, I really would feel terrible about continuing here.  It may sound like a crazy or weird fear, but I have my reasons for considering that this could be a realistic scenario.  Because my posts are always sincere and genuine,  it makes me question whether I have anything decent or helpful  to contribute.  If not, I'm hesitant to remain a member of the community.

In addition to that, I don't know if I really fit in here on Susan's in general. Let me say that the catalyst for this particular concern is my self esteem issues alone and nothing else.  I love this community and care for everyone here.  It is my opinion that there is not one bad person among us, and I wholeheartedly believe that everyone has something important to contribute.  So please understand that my feelings have nothing to do with anyone or any events that have occurred on the site.  This is an internal issue of personal self doubt; unfortunately, I fear these feelings may be warranted in this case.   Truth be told, I've always had difficulties fitting in socially.  It's been hard for me to find a place where I belonged and to integrate into pre-existing groups/communities.  Besides that, I have always struggled with developing a healthy self esteem.  Though I have recently been taking great strides in overcoming it, I do realize I have a long way to go.  Nonetheless, my fears of not fitting in and social inadequacy have been proven correct in the past,  so I can't help but  question how well I really do fit in here. 

In any event, I would really like honest feedback about my participation on this site.  I'm trying to assess whether I fit in and if I have done more harm than good since I have become a member.   So please share your honest thoughts about me because I really would like to know how I'm viewed by members  of the community.  Critical responses are welcome because I want people to give me their honest feelings.  It's best for me to know how people see me as a both a member and a person in order to know whether I truly do belong here.  Say whatever you want about me, whether it be good or bad. Honesty will help me in my decision, so just share your true feelings (if you have any towards me or my participation here).  For the time being I am going to continue my break from participating here and will keep working on my self confidence issues and fixing real problems that I face in my personal life.  Should I determine that my participation on this site is healthy for  both myself and others, then I will come back when I feel ready (whenever that may be).  I really don't know how I feel about it at the moment, and need to think it over.

Nonetheless, if this happens to be my last post, I want to thank everyone here on the site.  You all have been great and I appreciate every single person who has been there for me.  Many of you have helped me in a profound way (many without realizing it) and you will always have my gratitude.  I know it may sound like an empty statement, but you have all been a big part of my transition and Susan's place will always be viewed by me as a virtual family.  Thank you for that and everything else.

Lastly, a special thanks to the mods and administrators.  You do a lot of good and get nothing but grief in return.  For what's it's worth, you all have my appreciation and my apologies for adding to your current stress levels.  Honestly, some of you have gone beyond the call of duty, and that has meant a lot to me.   And of course, thank you Susan for giving the transgender community an important support structure and for making personal sacrifices to ensure that it remains intact.  You deserve higher praise than what you  receive in return, and I am very grateful for everything that you've done. 

Whether or not I decide to leave, this account will remain.  I truly hope that my posts can help someone in the future, and I want to leave the option of pms open to those who are in need of someone to talk to.  Even if I choose not to remain here, that doesn't mean my door isn't always open. 

Thank you for your time. 

Sincerely,

LTL

P.S.  Mods, I really hope that this will remain up as it is important for me to receive honest feedback from the community, no matter what the content of the feedback is.  Thank you in advance for understanding.

P.P.S.  Forgive the disorganization and long length of this post. 

46 positive rep points tells me your posts are doing a lot of good. Stick around, hugs, Devlyn

LearningtoLive, I said it before and I'll say it again. You are a much valued member of this community and Susan's will be a lesser place without you here. Your replys are a great help. And like Devlyn just said you earned 46 rep points you must have been doing something right.

I would hate to see you leave.

Hugs,
Bethany Dawn

I would honestly miss your advice, and seeing your around the site LtL. You have been a positive force too me and I feel we share similar experiences. My vote is for you too stay, but if you feel you need to go I understand.

BUT if you do go you should consider sharing your steam name or skype ect so we can hunt you down and bug you..I mean make sure your ok! 

But as I said I do hope you stay <3

I think you should stay, you're a valued member of the community who always is available to support those who need it. If this is spurred by that one member who sent you a PM, just ignore that person, they obviously have issues of their own and they were probably just taking it out on you.

You say you fear some posts may have had a detrimental impact on some members--from what I've seen of your posts (granted, I haven't read all of them), I can't see how that would be true. There's always going to be someone who reads things the wrong way, has baggage we don't know about, has severe depression, etc. etc. and there's only so much someone can reasonably do to keep their posts from affecting others who have problems that we're not aware of.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a good fit here on Susan's, especially since I don't live as male and haven't started medically transitioning, but I think it's good for people who aren't quite the "perfect fit" to stick around, just in case someone else who's similar comes along in need of support.

I hope you stay.
Henry

I always love reading your posts, there is a genuine beauty to them. Your a good person and everything I've read from you radiates that love and goodness. A few people have left Susan's since I've joined and it hasn't really phased me; but when I read the topic line I was a bit sad. I would legitimately miss your voice here. But don't stay here on my account If you do need to leave I'll miss you but I'd also be happy that you were doing what was important for yourself

lotsa love,
Kia

LtL, I've always seen your posts as positive and personally have never had a bad interaction with you.

I do however understand how you're feeling. When I first accepted that I'm transgender back in January, I signed up an account. I had around 20 or so posts by the end of February and had no friends here and I felt like I didn't fit in. So I stopped posting and started lurking until I progressed further in my transition.

I realize now that the reason why I stopped posting wasn't because I didn't fit in but because my own self image, depression and anxiety got the better of me. I was never great at socializing either.

I can tell you, after all of that, I have many good friends on the site and have made many posts since (even though a lot are news articles or fun posts ).

The point is that you make a positive difference in more people's lives than you realize and you need to try to ease up on yourself because that's what seems to be what your main problem is.

I, for one, have always enjoyed your posts and hope you decide to stay and you can feel free to contact me anytime about anything.

Lots of love and hugs,
Amy

LtL,
I like having you here. My experiences dealing with you have been nothing but positive. Please don't go.
— Jen

I want you to stay. You are a positive and a valued member.

I have had my fair share of problems and many times I hoped hiding would solve them.

It didn't. I have problems now that can only be dealt with by dealing with them. I may fail, I may not.

I don't know why you feel that you have not contributed, all I can say is that I have always respected your comments and views.

We have to learn that no ones view is correct. They are only personal opinion.

Please stay and give us all the benefit of yours.

Cindy.

I like your posts-- and I'd vote for you to stick around.


--Jay

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 13, 2013, 03:19:42 PM
46 positive rep points tells me your posts are doing a lot of good. Stick around, hugs, Devlyn

^ THIS!

You're kidding right, LTL? At worst, sometimes you come across as young (I'm 32, going on 33). Outside of that you always have good advice, are often well thought out, and from what I've seen you're polite. I usually make a point of reading your comments because they're usually well thought out, even when you are on the rare occasion saying something I don't necessarily see from the same angle. I think you would be doing people a disservice by leaving.

You care enough to get involved with other people's struggles. You care enough to give people a voice which says "I'm here, I care, I saw what you wrote and feel the need to let you know you're not alone."

What you write is secondary to the fact that you do. You put yourself out there. Regardless of what's going on in your life, you feel the need to be there for others. And that is a rare trait in this world. That alone makes you valuable regardless of what advice you do or don't give.

You want honesty, here it is. You are needed here. By people who feel like they have no one to talk to. People who need a friend. People who need to feel like they're not alone. You seem like a considerate, thoughtful, friendly person who wants to help people. You don't need to know all the answers, or how best to proceed. You just need to be who you are: Someone who wants to be there, to offer support, and a shoulder to lean on. That alone gives people the motivation to seek their own answers, to have the strength to pick themselves up when they fall. Knowing someone is there for them often makes all the difference. Rather than crying out in the dark and getting only silence... to know someone is listening gives them hope.

You are needed.

Also, in the spirit of honesty I have to say I applaud you in identifying and realising the need to work on your own confidence issues, and in seeing where the need to ask this comes from. I think it's a good thing to work on your own issues and to try and make some forward progress in your own life too. And I wish you all the luck in the world. That can only be a benefit to what you contribute here, so keep it up, hon.

When you're ready, we'll be here.

*hugs*

LTL,

This says a lot to me.

Quote

Posts: 1,899
Reputation: +46/-0

You are a valued member of this community and you have a lot of friends here.

Hey LtL,
      I was getting the feeling that you are like a younger sister and that you are smart, intuitive and most articulate. I realize that we are on opposite ends of political thought from one another, but that isn't a big negative for me honey, we all have independent thoughts and opinions, life on the big rock would be boring and sterile otherwise. I want you to know that I value you as a friend and sister, better stick with us or we'll have to send out a search party and drag you back kicking and screaming. xox ~Auntie Shan~

I like your posts, please don't leave.

And keep in mind that when you vent, or talk about your own issues (such as self-esteem), there are several others who don't post that kind of stuff and who appreciate your openness.



*hugs*

I think Beth and the others commenting on the +46 says it all LTL.

We all experience doubt and then joy and then frustration and then confusion. I would not pressure yourself to perform, there is no performance requirement here.

If you feel a bit of burn out, go on vacation from the site, but, I would not suggest you leave with no expectation to return.

I've sure felt like leaving myself let me tell ya. Glad I ignored that voice too.

Only someone who truly cares about others would present questions that you have. You are helping people who are struggling and need help or feedback or a shoulder or just someone to share with.

oh come on. shake off all the disturbing thoughts and stay as you always did. 46 rep points don't come for nothing, they reflect how much you have done for this community. if you think you don't fit in here you're imagining things! where would a trans fit better than susan's place? after all, this is a place we all help each other out, so let us help you cheer up and dump any thoughts of leaving. smile now. there you are please stay, i don't like seeing anybody leaving me in a bad mood

PS: i've only been here for a few months now, but you need to know how much influence you've made on me. i've even named a chapter of this novel i'm writing for a school project after you.

Thanks everyone for the honest feedback.  I really do appreciate everything that was written here.  I still have some of the same concerns, but perhaps I am looking at things the wrong way.  I'm thinking very hard about this, but perhaps I'm thinking too much.  I don't know.

In any event, I want people to understand that my only intention on this site is to be as real as possible and to support others in their journey as best as I can.  It's funny, but this little site is one of the only places where I am able to express myself in a genuine manner at the moment.  Of course, this can have it's downside.   Even though I desire to help others and believe I have an individual perspective to share,  I too have my weaknesses and flaws.  I am in no way a role model and wouldn't ever claim to be one.  Believe me, I'm far from anyone special in this world.  While I have my strengths, I have problems of my own and am no authority on the dos and don't of the world.  Therefore, I can only share my genuine view on things and that is neither right or wrong.  I can't sit and censor my every thought or written word.  I'm not here to write the most eloquent posts nor do I care too (hell, look at how sloppy this post is,lol).  It's not my goal to be fake with others and pretend to be something I'm not.   My goal is to be as honest and helpful as possible.  Sometimes I'm limited in what I can provide, but I always do my best to be supportive and respectful of everyone here. However, realize from who and where it all comes from.  I'm a flawed 24 year old transgirl who is early in her transition.  I've accomplished and experienced a lot in my life, but I have problems of my own and a long way to go in life.  Therefore, I wouldn't ever claim to be an authority on transitioning or all the problems that other people face.  What works for me or what I believe may not be the same for you.  My perspective is clouded by my own experiences, both positive and negative, just like everyone else.   And just like everyone else, I have feelings that matter, so please understand I'm also here for support and deserve respect even if you disagree with me or take issue with something that was said.  I can always be approached if done in a respectful and considerate manner.

In any event, thank you for allowing me your time to read this incredibly incoherent and grammatically flawed post.  It is much appreciated and you win an imaginary award.  I would like to continue my stay here without worrying about infighting or unintentionally leading others astray, so that's why I posted this.  I'll probably return sometime in the upcoming week.  I'll see. 

Thanks for the feedback.