Hi, it's me again... I know I haven't posted in a while, which I'll get to in a minute, but right now I'm really frantic and I need help ASAP. I don't know which category this goes in; I figured here because it involves being transgender but it also mostly involves something that I'm not sure where to put.

I started school recently and I was initially excited because my parents relented and let me wear stereotypical boys clothes instead of the ones they wanted me to wear, and I thought I would be happier. But I'm not- I'm worse, in fact. Everybody at school, girls and boys, seems to have ganged up on me and it won't stop. They call me obscenities, trip me in the halls, laugh at me when I go into the bathroom, and grope me, saying things like "I'm just making sure you're actually a girl", and I feel worthless. Nobody seems to like me and I'm really struggling, and it's only a week into school. Lately I've been swinging into a depressive mood; I don't want and don't have the energy to do anything, which is why I haven't posted recently. But I recognized less than an hour ago that I need to get over it and ask for help, because I'm really, truly scared.

I was digging through the cupboards for cotton balls (don't ask) and I found a bag of razors just sitting there. I looked at them and before I knew it they were hidden in my closet and I was trying to find a way to clean up the blood on my bed so my mom wouldn't notice. I haven't self harmed for more than a year but I did it again and I'm so scared that my parents will find out. They didn't even notice the first time but I'm worried that they'll notice now and I don't know what will happen then... I don't want to go back to school, I just want to go somewhere where nobody knows I was ever "Larissa" and I can get on with my life the way that I should. But that's not going to happen and I've got bigger issues on my hands... Help?!?!?

OK calm down a bit.

Can you talk to your folks - now - about your bad thoughts.

At school are there counselors? Have you told your teachers the problems with other students.

BTW people groping you are committing sexual assault and can be jailed. If the teaching staff are allowing it they can also be prosecuted so they will take it seriously.

I'm so sorry, that sounds terrible. Please, please get rid of the razors they'll only hurt you more. The modern world we find ourselves in can be an awful place filled with awful people, but we can't let those awful people ruin us. I don't know you but I know your a beautiful person your precious and deserve to be treated like the wonderful human being you are. The things those people in school are doing is strictly harassment and if they're groping you it's sexual harassment. You should approach a teacher or counselor or someone else with some authority because not only are the people harassing you being ->-bleeped-<-holes they are being criminals.

You shouldn't have to put up with that because as I said you are wonderful. It's easy for me to sit here and tell you to speak to somebody or to keep your head up, but I understand it's not that easy. I understand how scared you are, I'm scared for you too. But fear can always be overpowered by love. I love you, everyone here at Susan's loves you. Find something you love and learn to love yourself, because you are worthy and deserving of love. Don't look to make those awful people love you, love yourself in spite of them.

I don't know what else to say but please, please get rid of the razors. And know that you are wonderful and amazing and that I love you.

-Kia

People are cruel, I wouldn't think twice about getting a teacher involved. Tell someone don't let people continue to push you around!

Trust me I was teased all my life for being short, skinny and had big glasses - I use to get into a lot of fights and even when I didn't the mental abuse was enough to make me depressed. You need to stand up for your rights!

So please tell someone ASAP!

Ok. I'm going to break this down into points so I can keep it straight in my own head. I hope it doesn't come across as too blunt.
-You slipped. That's ok. It happens and it doesn't erase all you've accomplished. You've stopped once. You can do it again. The more you focus on that, the easier it gets.
-You are fighting. You are determined to get help and get past this. That is a power no one can take away from you and it is, in my opinion, the best one to have.
-Don't try to fit yourself to their demands. That just tells them their behaviour is working. (At least, that's the case for abusers. I'm not sure about bullies.) Unfortunately, you cannot control their actions. On the flip side, this also means that their actions are solely their responsibility.
-I am unsure of what the reality is, but I have heard that bullying is being taken seriously these days. What would happen if you were to report it? Also, I agree that groping is sexual harassment.
-Learn skills. You can learn some through therapy (depending on the type of therapy), you can learn some from other people who have been bullied and/or suffered depression, and there are also books and websites that can offer some tips and strategies for dealing with depression and other emotions. Learn as many as you can, try them out, practice them (and it does take practice), and figure out what works for you. I know some that I can share if you want.
-Wait it out. Take it a day at a time. What I mean by this is that, if you feel like hurting yourself, put it off. Don't worry about whether you're going to do it in the future because that's in the future. Just keep yourself from doing it in the present. Distract yourself if you have to with stuff like movies and books. (This is a crisis skill and should be used in crisis. If you push things down on a regular basis, it will just build.)
-Do what you can to remain physically healthy. This will help with your psychological health as well.
-Identify your emotions and let yourself feel them without dwelling on them. (Sorry I'm not good at describing the not dwelling on them part.)
That's all I can think of for now, but I know I have more somewhere if you want.

Disclaimer: This is advice for depression and other emotions. I don't really have any advice for how to deal with bullies. I dealt with my abusers by going into rages which is not the best idea since it caused me problems and gave them an excuse, but it did help me hold on to my self respect and will power.

disclaimer: don't follow any of this advice if you don't think it's good (i'm in a vengeful mood because sexual harassment and bullying were mentioned)

talk to a school counselor about being tripped, being called obscene things, and being sexually harassed by groping. if they don't take you seriously, or tell you it's your own fault for dressing like you do (some would be idiotic enough to say something like that. better be prepared for it), tell someone else. record the conversations for later use, just in case your school is run by idiots. if everybody else fails to do anything about your situation, talk to the principal. the next step would be to report every single person who's groped you and the adults who failed to intervene.

when you have told someone (best to tell more than one) about it and asked for help, you can use moderate amounts of violence if it's needed to defend yourself. boys often do that. don't try it before asking for help though, the other kids will just say that you started it. you could also yell at people if violence isn't your thing, just be careful not to call them obscene things ("rapist" would be a fair thing to call a harasser though). attack them, not yourself. (i'm not promoting violence, really. just naming an option, as i'd break the fingers of anyone who tried to grope me against my will. it's their own fault).

it's not that bad if you get expelled from a place you would've dropped out of anyway if things don't get better, there's nothing much to be afraid of from the adults. but you still might want to try getting some support from the school and help from a counselor or therapist while it's still possible to fix things.

just one thing. when people wrong you, respond with rage. the other kids won't like you more for doing that, but it does help you stop the self blaming. it feels really good to kick the foot that was placed in front of mine. much better than being tripped and start crying because the world is so unfair (i've tried both). i also think there is something weird about bullies, that they don't stop unless they're opposed seriously. it's fun to bully someone who starts crying and is too afraid to tell anyone about it. it's not as fun to bully someone who responds with an angry "f** you, that hurts, you d** b***!" and looks at whoever it is like they were the worst scum of the earth. it won't gain you more friends, but could make your time in school a little more peaceful.

Really excellent advice here. And remember, you can always call a hotline if you're feeling particularly bad, or if a phonecall doesn't work for you, there's always similar services that you can access via chat like https://www.imalive.org/.

I would very strongly suggest that you tell somebody about what's going on, though. You're a human being, you deserve respect, you have a place and a purpose in the world. If your school has a counselor, talk to them. If not, try a teacher that you trust, or go to another staff member. It would really be good if you reported the sexual harassment as well. If you're in the US, and your school doesn't take your complaints seriously, then there are legal organizations you can contact to help you. If your school is complicit, they are breaking the law by allowing their students to bully and sexually harass you. You have every right to stop them from doing this and seeking legal recourse if they stymie you.

Adam, it saddens me that I missed your thread. I was away for a few months so until I sent you a PM and then after doing so looked at your posts, I had no idea you'd made another thread/post till now, and I missed it. (Last one I remember was you were about to start school) I only hope you listened to what people have been saying here, both in this thread and others. Because without a doubt the advice in this thread is excellent advice! Seriously I hope things are going better for you now, that you even reported and still are reporting those people, especially the ones who were/maybe still are (I hope not still are though) groping you which IS sexual harassment and I also hope you aren't continuing to hurt yourself both physically and mentally because that's only hurting you and isn't helping you. Adam even reading other threads/posts here can help you to grow/learn more and can also help you at times to feel better, it has for me. If you haven't reported them/told people, including telling/getting help for hurting yourself then please Adam, get help now!

I hope you see this post and my PM Adam and I hope to hear back from you but even more so I hope you are doing well and keep hanging in there. I'll send you a 2nd PM to let you know I saw this one and also in that PM send you a vid which I hope will help keep you strong. Also never forget to ask for help. There's only so much 1 person can take on/endure by themselves and people ask for help all the time. Don't let others tell you asking for/getting help is a sissy thing to do, even the most toughest of men and most manliest of men ask for help all the time. Nothing sissy about asking for help, same with crying and showing your emotions so don't let others tell you otherwise. Same with don't let others tell you who and what you are/what you're feeling/aren't feeling. That ALSO MEANS don't let others tell you what gender you are based on whatever you have/don't have on/in your body etc. because even men can have breasts Adam. http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/boybrst.html# Btw only about 30% of men will keep their breasts but my point here is, it's not what body part etc. you have and don't have that determines what gender you truly are but based on who you are and how you feel, if you want to call that soul, brain or some other form then those. So DON'T let anyone tell you otherwise including those people who were and maybe still are (Hope not) sexually harassing you by groping you by saying/telling you "I'm just making sure you're actually a girl" because they are naïve and in the wrong and are also doing you wrong as well as being a criminal by groping you. Again, it's not what you have and don't have in/on you that determines what gender you truly are! Never forget that Adam!

I'd like to say more but can't till you post an update but will offer advice if I come across a thread/post of yours, especially one where you're asking for help. Remember, keep hanging in there and stay strong and listen to the advice here. Hope you're alright and take care of yourself Adam and remember, things may be bad right now but things WILL get better for you. It may take years but Rome wasn't built in a day and maybe this advice here will help you to keep going. Just tell yourself over and over again you'll prove them wrong someday. Don't say that out of anger or hurt but out of who and what you are Adam. Say it, then go through with it. How? Only you can find that answer since everyone here has a different answer for how they are themselves and such but I don't mean prove them wrong out of violence. I'm referring to you being yourself, so prove the wrong by being yourself. So hang in there and take care!

Bullying will not stop until you inform school authorities. Perhaps a respected teacher or guidance counselor.

Cutting, I wear long sleeve shirts (especially my left arm) because of all the scars. I would scrape, cut and burn. My therapist asked to see my arms last week (I asked her opinion on hair for laser, I really am not hairy and she said such). Anyhow, as I as was unbuttoning and rolling up my sleeves I apologized to her and felt ashamed. She did not say anything.

Cotton balls, fill your gut but can cause an obstruction that would require an operation to correct. I use to eat cellulose,  ground paper and wood pulp. I could control my weight, right, well it ended up controlling me.

I did things when I was young because I felt horrible inside. I did not seek help and if people noticed they did not say anything. My parents never said on word and I was afraid to say anything to them. As I got older I transferred the behaviors to alcohol, drugs, smoking and then food (gained 180 pounds).

I wish I addressed my issues back then and not try to cope with unhealthy behaviors. Addressing the issue is scary and it is easy to back down and feel bad. I wish someone help me, noticed my cries for help or I realized I needed to address the issues.

Hugs and please reach out to a responsible adult  in authority for help.