<sigh>
I apologise to everyone who reads this in advance in case it becomes a big rant but I just need to say and ask a few things.

I've just got off the phone to my eldest brother who basically is completely against my transition and had a lot of hurtful things said to me, I've just shut my mouth and accepted a lot of it because pretty much I was happy to be even speaking to him. Things were said like "Do you know how much this is impacting on the family?", "Can't you just put it off for a bit longer?" and "Have you even thought about how you will tell our friends?".
The last time I spoke with him the conversation ended up being a screaming match and me basically saying "I'm not going to stop transitioning just to make your life easier" because I am being so "selfish".
So I decided to not inflame the conversation tonight and bit my tongue, things were very civil, in a way, and after being told that "I accept you and kinda understand why you are doing this" I was also asked if I could just "put it off for a few years and enjoy being a thinner happier you?". My first thought was, how can you say you have any understanding if you can seriously ask or say something like that? I said to him it's kinda like asking me to stop breathing, to which he said, "that's a bit melodramatic, its not like you'd die by not transitioning". Well... I wouldnt exactly have much to live for then, he then started to tell me that its normal to hate your job and life and that most people do and that they just get along with it.
Anyone else kinda worried by that? I mean, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life right now (with the exception of things like this) and yes, the concept of just trying to go back to a life of misery, drinking and trying to sweep it under the rug would be, well, unthinkable. Why would I chose that? That wasn't life, that wasn't meaning, that was trying to ignore life and pretend that I am happy, something that copious amounts of alcohol and isolation doesn't do.
I have spoken with many people and read many times that yes, it can take family a long time to come around, but I just can't see the forest from the trees here. My mum has been an amazing support, my dad is struggling with it but has also been very accepting and supportive, my sister's in law are also very understanding and supportive (in fact the brother I am talking about, his wife and I had a two hour phonecall less than a week ago where we went through my transition timeline and she was nothing but amazing and supportive) but with this sort of reception and well, rejection, its not sitting easy with me.
In so many ways I am doing so well! I have a job! I have a plan! I am going great on HRT! I DO have supportive friends and family out there! I just feel so trapped/lost/screwed when I am basically called selfish, told that I am tearing the family apart and that I should just stop because it would be easier for everyone else.

ARGGH!!

Quote from: cynths on September 18, 2013, 10:14:49 AM
Well... I wouldnt exactly have much to live for then, he then started to tell me that its normal to hate your job and life and that most people do and that they just get along with it.

The thing about those sorts of comments is that misery loves company. And sometimes people who say things like that only say that because they don't know any other way to be, and haven't met people who do. That doesn't make it true. It just makes it a matter of perspective.

Your post sounds to me like you're being subjected to emotional blackmail. Something which a lot of people to as a way to try and enforce their point of view. Use something you care about, make you believe that you're hurting it and if you cared then you'd stop. I would venture your brother is trying to use your family in this way, as a way to validate his own personal opinions about what you're doing. When, by the sounds of it, the truth is somewhat different to what you're led to believe.

From what you write in your post, there is only one person being largely selfish, and it isn't you. There is only one person who it would be easier for, someone who has issues with it. Unfortunately you can't please everyone. I would say that to carry on being miserable, using alcohol as an escape... well, that would be far more damaging to relationships than being happy and focused, with a defined goal of what you want to achieve and actively taking steps to make that happen.

Thanks Sephirah. I do think that his views don't reflect the rest of the family but its hard to just brush things off sometimes.
Oh boy, does misery love company. Among other things he also said that when I see them (the family) next they were going to confront me about some things such as why I am transitioning so quickly (I came out to them 6 months ago and am planning to go FT the beginning of November next year, that really doesnt seem too hasty to me, no?) and to discuss whether I have a personality disorder.
The fact that I've known them for 27 years (ie, my entire life) and never before has anyone considered anything different, not to mention that they deny that I have ever had depression, makes me think that you're right and he's deliberately trying to make me feel awful.
Again, I really dont want to lose him (unfortunately I can see that happening...) but ffs, I can see that I will be the one working on the relationship more than him.

Sweetie, it's easier to guilt someone into changing their mind about something, rather than actually putting forward anything sensible, when you have no rational argument about why they shouldn't do it.

I know all about hostile brothers, trust me. Mine indulged in physical violence and... other things. So I get where you're coming from, to a degree. Maybe this is something he just has to come to terms with in his own time.

There's a saying I rather like: "I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you." Maybe this is something your brother just has to deal with in his own time. And if he doesn't, then... really, hon, you can only be yourself and let other people handle that how they will, you know? It's not your responsibility to make people accept it. Just be as honest with yourself as you can be and let the chips fall where they will.

The question I have to ask is, wouldn't he lose you if he managed to make you feel so bad that you decided to stop going ahead with your transition and accede to his assertions? The difference is, you're not doing anything to deliberately hurt anyone. I would suggest it's the contrary and part of why you're becoming yourself is precisely so you can have better relationships with those around you. Free from the debilitating emotional state not doing so causes you. Surely that's better for everyone?

Thank you

It's been a rough night, part of me is upset because I am not more upset and part of me wants to just scream at him.
Thank you for sharing too.
I love quotes that just sum things up. I will remember this one.
Thanks Sephirah.

This may be long, maybe not. I'm not sure yet, but here goes.

First off, yes, we are a selfish group. It's the sad truth, but the large amount of us go through life pleasing everyone by acting and no one else ever knowing how far we are going to please them. I know for me, I spent my own time dealing with things as I could, and pretended like no one ever had to know. But reality sets in eventually. So yes, we are selfish. But isn't someone with a gun to their head selfish to ask the person on the other end not to pull the trigger? If there's one thing we, as trans people, are selfish about in our lives, shouldn't it be something that makes us finally able to live life without hiding, without being depressed, or standing on that line where we just might fall off and end our own lives?

As for putting it off, how long would that be? I mean, if it'd been me, I would have called him out on that. "How long do you want me to put it off?" My wife and I had that discussion several times. I am putting off my transition so we can have another kid, because we can't afford artificial means. But, there were times I was asked to put it off until our current child (5 months old) was 18 and out of the house. Putting it off is ok, but with a good reason. If he's asking you to put it off just so he doesn't have to deal with it right now, then THAT'S selfish, the bad kind.

And I've been through the comments of "what will everyone think" or "how are we going to tell people", etc. etc. Well, you know what, hopefully everyone would think "as long as you're happy," but anyone who asks "what will everyone think" is one of those who won't give you that response. "As long as you're happy" is the positive response. "What will everyone think" is the negative.

I think we could all be in a worse place. Drinking/cutting/etc. as a way to get through things. Some of us have been there. I agree with you. That's no way to live. Sure, we are subject to a lot of problems after transitioning. Our unemployment as a group is one of the highest worldwide, but I'm sure some people who are unemployed are much happier being able to be themselves rather than working at a job and being miserable as the person they were. Honestly, if it wasn't for my wife and son, I wouldn't care if I'd lose my job over transitioning. If I was single, I'd have done it no matter what. Right now, my state is pushing for non-discrimination of LGBT at work, and that's what I really need to protect my job.

You must do what you need to be happy. Seems to me like this brother of yours is the problem. If his wife is supportive of you, then that means he's got a problem with it. From what you said, the rest of your family is supportive. Ignore him, and focus on those who are supportive. My direct in laws (her mom, dad, and sister) hate me right now. But two of her aunts and an uncle support us, and my friends all do, and my direct family does. I'm sure most of the rest of my family will support me. I have people who I will be ignored by, but focus on the positive people. I read a post yesterday about true, unconditional love. Well, there's your answer. Anyone who tells you that you shouldn't do it is putting a condition into the equation.

Hey Cynths,

Coming out is a very tough thing for many families to endure.  Your brother's comments, while selfish, are simply reactionary.  Most of us take for granted the relationships that we have with our loved one's, so it shocks us when the dynamics transform.  When they realize things may change or something will be taken away, they begin to freak out.  My mother said many of the things that your brother said.  She kept begging me to give her time (it was a delaying tactic as she wanted years) and to try living as a male for many more years to see if I find happiness.   While she does want the best for me, those statements were made to maintain the emotional status quo.  It' selfish, but it's understandable when you look at it from a distant perspective.  Besides that, there is a lot of confusions about transgender people and what we face.  Sometimes it takes a lot of time and education for them to realize why we transition (my mom still isn't there, but has become a little better). 

I don't know your brother, but the things that you wrote makes it sound like he does care about you.  He probably is scared about losing his "brother" and cares about your future.  His reaction is selfish in some ways, but it's also based in fear and ignorance as well.   Many people don't realize you can live a successful and fruitful life as a transgender person.  The best thing you can do is continue educating him on the transgender community and make him realize that he isn't losing his "brother" but is getting to know his sister.  It's tough and will take work, but you can get through it.  Dealing with family can be an emotional roller coaster, but it's worth it, in my opinion.  I went from having the worlds best mom to an angry mother who completely rejected me to a loving mother who deals with my choices.  Transitioning is hard and causes unpredictable events, but things aren't always as hopeless as they seem.

Again, I don't know your brother and could be off base, but this post portrayed this image to me.  I really hope things work out and improve between you and your brother.

Thank you both ChelseaAnn and learningtolive.
I did call him out on the whole "put "it" off" thing and asked "So an extra 6 months would help how...?", he was a deer in the headlights
I totally accept that there is some selfish aspect to transitioning. IMHO there are two things at play, one, yes, by transitioning we are being somewhat selfish by "making" the rest of the world accept us, but even more so, the world saying "No" is more selfish by saying "You can't be who you are because... I say so".
Learningtolive, I remember reading your posts before and after coming out to your Mum. I remember hoping that your mother would be as accepting as mine I did ask my brother if he would read or watch any more information that I would give him (he threw out the first USB I gave him, which included a personalised letter explaining coming out to him, that really hurt) and he said point blank "No" but he did tell me he has watched a few documentaries on trans* people since. For someone like him that's a big step.

Thank you both. I really don't want to lose him, even for a while. I do accept that may not be my choice.
We'll see

LOL, I'm just reading my own Dr Seuss tag realising I'm not even follwing my own advice (by that I mean the Dr's advice ).

The fact that he actually watched documentaries on it is a big step.  Personally, I feel like the information is best absorbed when it comes from their own research and interest.  Therefore, don't feel too discouraged that he hasn't read the information you shared with him.  There is a glimmer of hope here, and hopefully you will be able to reconcile. 

Still, I understand that it must have been upsetting that he ignored your letter.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.