I see all these pictures of successful transitions from people who haven't even been on hormones very long. They all seem to know what they are doing, and garner all kinds of praise for how pretty they are. I'm being forced to live as a male by my school and job. These places are requiring I have short hair, dress professionally in male business attire. My hair was all I had that said female about me. I've been ma'amed by neighbors and such before this. Now I cannot look in a mirror without despising myself. Why am I doing all of this? I'm too much of a damn coward to come out in public. I'm a pathetic loser. I rely on vyvanse and zoloft to get me through each day. It's all that's keeping me relatively sane. I can't live with myself anymore. No matter how far I'll go in my transition, I know I'll never be a native female. Nothing can change that. I have no reason to go on at all anymore. None at all. I hate everything about myself now. I don't eat or sleep much anymore. I'm just waiting for the day I finally decide to give up and die. There's no point in living if it has to be like this.

Sara, Try to hang in there. Dont give up on yourself. Do you have anyone too talk to about your feelings? A councillor or therapist?
How is your school and job forcing you to not to be yourself? That sounds like harassment? Does your school have a LGBT group you could join?

The class I'm taking is an extremely competitive class, where only the most reliable, knowledgeable, and "professional" get internships. If I come out in this class, I would be knocked down to a low priority for getting an internship for being "unprofessional". If I don't get an internship, I fail the course and will not be able to graduate.

Sara,

Wow.  We have some work to do.  Relax a little, you have found a family you never knew you had.

You need to start talking with a gender therapist.  That should help calm things down a little.  Then, find out the policies of your school for transgendered people.  Figure out how long you are going to be there.  Basically, start making a plan to go from male, all the way to female, realizing it's going to take some time.  Read some of the information here on transition and male to female transition in particular.  Read some of the forum pages on that.  From what I know, very few people have smooth transitions and yours will be no different.  Then, start asking questions of your therapist and of us.  We will do what we can to help.  We have either been there or still are in that same boat with you.  Oh - Sara is a beautiful name by the way.

Hugs,

Jen

Oh, Sara!  I just commented on your picture in the other topic.

You are not a loser!!  You are having a rough patch.  We all get them.

Mine has been going on for 18 months - but I'm old 

Listen, you are young.  Time is in your favor.  Focus on the class and the internship, and cope the best you can with the gender stuff.  A lot of folks in my generation had to cope in absolute ignorance of our dysphoria, because it was not something well known or understood.

One more thing about seeing yourself.  It is hard for us not to see our "old selves."  That's because it is what we have seen our whole lives.  We are used to see it.  Start trying to find the changes - and there will be changes!  And celebrate the new you each and every day.

I just looked at your picture and I have to agree with Jamie. Even with short hair, you look great.

Please listen to me.

You can't give up.

You're young, pretty, and have a lot of time left. If you're trying for an internship, you're also smart.

Here's what you need to do.

If you think you can't transition RIGHT NOW wait. Just at least until you get the internship. Focus on that then once you have it, start. Go see a therapist if you haven't already. Get on HRT after you get the chance. You don't have to go full time once you start transitioning if you still feel you need to wait. But you can get started once that's going.

You're right. You won't be a genetic woman. But you can still be you.

Above all, all you have to do ...

Is don't give up.


So! What's your internship in?

Sara, you know people read this stuff, right? Some of us, half of us, most of us, perhaps almost all of us can't or don't know how to respond. You aren't the only one hurting. We hurt for you as well as ourselves.

Keep posting of course. It usually helps to put the words out there. But please don't take lack of response for lack of caring and please understand that some of us just don't know what to say or how to face it.

So, like, all I can think of is trite repetition of platitudes and stuff. But seriously, it doesn't matter how old you are or how expert you feel at what you're doing. A ton of people are in the same boat and just don't speak up. Transition is different for everybody and there will be people who'd give you crap about it even if you were perfect.

I gave birth to a child and I've always been her only parent. Since I started on hormones I pass fine but only as a pedophile or her older brother. People try to fight me over it all the time. I get hit on by gay guys but I can't date (or find time alone for sex) because all I do is take care of my kid.

I'll never be a real man in the eyes of my lovers or society. It feels that way, anyhow. I'll always be furtive and weird about peeing. I've given up on being whole, however I define it.

It's okay to live like that. We're in a strange place in history and we have to build our own identities.

Sara,

I know its rough. Shoot i have to keep a military haircut for my job. But im still me. Maybe its my armybtraining but ibstill live by the warriors ethos...

I will always place the mission first.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.

Male, female, tg, whatever. You are a warrior and you owe it to yourself to keep going. Not going on wont hurt them, they wont think anything cept what to have for lunch.

Myself, I'm completely suicidal. However, if i ever do it it will be on my terms and not because of this worlds ignorance.

We are here for you and we need you. You are loved. I know it doesnt seem like it because these are just words on a screen, but these are words addressed to you. Please contact one of us if you need to talk.and know you are loved.

~Gadg

i'm sorry to say, but every time i've thought i couldn't go on any more, life has proven me wrong. it requires so little effort that right now when i'm in a good mood, i have no idea what was thinking two weeks ago when i was ready to die any moment (i didn't, forgot not to eat when i got hungry).

i'm not saying that life is easy though. it can be really hard on anyone's psyche. i've managed to corner myself in anxiety that gets bad enough at times that i really can't remember how to live. i still survive though. depression bothered me as well when i realized i'm almost never myself, and i still can't be myself. in the last two years, i've come as far as accepting myself. coming out to others, changing my presentation, transition, all of these are still hopeless projects for me. it took me some few months to realize that i won't get anywhere even if i tried to rush it, i've come to accept this fate of living as someone else when i have to.

i also have a need of appearing professional. i can allow myself to wear eccentric clothing, opposite sex clothing, talk quite near the way that is natural to me. but actually looking like my own gender, or coming out as who i really am, are out of the question. i also consider myself young (not even 30 yet), i used to be impatient. learning patience, seeing that my world doesn't go under just because i pretend for one more year, has helped me live rather than just survive most of the time. not being able to present as myself completely isn't even half as bad as if i knew that there is no way i'd ever be able to transition.

you at least seem like you get hrt. for some stupid reasons, i can't even get that. the changes will happen, even if you present male. you'll be able to present male for the amount of time that you have to, simply because you have that gender marker in all your identification papers. if you have to stay in a male presentation for one more year, just think about how easily you'll be able to go full time as yourself when hormones have gotten that much time to change your body.

being depressed in a situation like yours is probably quite normal. but giving in to a temporary situation isn't necessarily the best choice you could make. i'd rather die when i'm happy, so i'm struggling to reach that day. i hope you can manage to make use of the support that people here will give you, to help you get through this period of your life where nothing seems fair and it's hard for you to see the future.

This wont help... But! I feel just like you do when I see other mtf.


Living full time but still feeling that I look too male to ever pass . It is not the best feeling in the world I know but try to hang in there.

Quote from: Sara on September 18, 2013, 10:06:39 PM
I see all these pictures of successful transitions from people who haven't even been on hormones very long. They all seem to know what they are doing, and garner all kinds of praise for how pretty they are. I'm being forced to live as a male by my school and job. These places are requiring I have short hair, dress professionally in male business attire. My hair was all I had that said female about me. I've been ma'amed by neighbors and such before this. Now I cannot look in a mirror without despising myself. Why am I doing all of this? I'm too much of a damn coward to come out in public. I'm a pathetic loser. I rely on vyvanse and zoloft to get me through each day. It's all that's keeping me relatively sane. I can't live with myself anymore. No matter how far I'll go in my transition, I know I'll never be a native female. Nothing can change that. I have no reason to go on at all anymore. None at all. I hate everything about myself now. I don't eat or sleep much anymore. I'm just waiting for the day I finally decide to give up and die. There's no point in living if it has to be like this.

Hy

Lets calm down.

I pass like a shark in a tuna farm.

I have a wonderful life. We are accepted, we are normal.

Lets get a bit of positive here girls!!

We can talk ourselves into depression but we can talk ourselves out as well

Come on.