Quote from: Taka on September 24, 2013, 10:43:07 AM
i don't cry anywhere near often enough though, or at least not over my own currently hopeless situation. i wish i could cry more, but i don't dare allow myself that freedom. i'm a somewhat all or nothing kind of person, so i fear that i'd get on a faster track than i'm ready for if i broke down like that, one with no guarantee of ending safely at any station.
I spent over a decade in a fog of nothingness, living in an abusive marriage, working, cleaning, cooking, tending to the children while my spouse did largely nothing. I, too, dreaded feeling again, afraid I would be swept up in a cataclysm of despair.
It ended for me when a dear friend called me out on my misery. I told her I was fine. She called bulls#!t and then... it happened. I spent over an hour howling like a wild beast, crying until I could cry no more, broken. I found a therapist, tried marriage counseling (my spouse refused to admit she needed counseling, blamed me for everything, threw stuff at me, and even hit me in front of our therapist... so that went nowhere). I wound up moving out and feeling like my world had ended. I had broken my vow and my home. What had I done to the children?! I felt like a failure, and spent most of my time alternating between feeling nothing and staring into the Abyss.
So, yeah, it's something to be feared alright. But with therapy I came to realize that if I hadn't made the change, I would likely have been dead already. I was so far lost in the nothingness that I would likely have died. Not directly through suicide, but by not avoiding an accident, which is the same thing.
Over time, with a lot of therapy, I began to realize that life *was* getting better. I began to actually enjoy some things. I watched a *lot* of South Park on Netflix. I read. I cooked. Eventually I started to get out and meet people. And all of *that* was essential to get to where I am now. I was so busy barely surviving I couldn't even begin to cope with the idea of being transgendered. And now... now I am happy, by and large. I see a long term plan ahead.
Long story short, numbness can be comforting, but it isn't living. And the people who truly love you need to see you happy. In my case, my kids needed to see that I was going to be ok, needed me to be truly alive *with* them, more than they needed me to be together with their mom. I couldn't see that before, because a big part of me was convinced I didn't deserve to be happy and that no one cared anyway. That was the numbness, the depression, death talking.
Coming out of that hurt. A *lot*. ...but it really does get better. Don't go it alone, when you are ready... get a therapist or if none are available at the very least a good friend. Medications like antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, can help, and should be used if you need them. Even general practitioners can get those for you, often very inexpensively. I *can* tell you that it is worth it, once you get to the other side, and once you are there you will be able to help others get there too.
No matter what you decide, or when you decide it, I wish you well. *hug*
