Tucking was very successful for me.

I had to pay for everything out-of-pocket so the only approval I needed was what surgeons required. I never asked my providers about FFS and BA; they volunteered what I posted previously.

I honestly don't know what I need, or if there is even a way for me to ever be okay with how my body has changed. Right now it just feels completely foreign to me...alien, even.

Have you considered going on a low dose of spironolactone to control your libido? Some post-ops have too high T levels post-SRS and end up on an anti-androgen of some kind, so it isn't unheard of to take the stuff after surgery. Alternatively there are anti-depressants of various kinds that will decrease your sex drive.

Won't help with all the body issues. But it might make you feel a bit more comfortable if you don't have the libido issue bothering you as well.

Personally, I want FFS before SRS, assuming I couldn't afford them all at the same time, and I can't. My reason is that I'd rather look passible on the parts people can see, than the parts they can't. I'm still so new at this that I have not yet started HRT. But I know that my face, while hansom for a guy, needs some work to pass. It was easier when I was younger, but not so much any more. 

Now on the other hand, if I could snap my fingers and be done with all of it, that would be dandy. 

Quote from: Agent_J on September 08, 2013, 09:29:48 PM
I had wanted to remain non-op but had a lot of issues surrounding that - a lot of outside pressure, including state laws that required I have SRS in order to update my ID (which remains in spite of the US Social Security Administration's change of the rule.) I had a significant amount of pressure from doctors and therapists to include SRS in my transition. In particular, they saw SRS as a mandatory part of transition: that not having it as part of my transition required detransitioning and going off of HRT.

I am currently consulting surgeons for FFS and BA. I truly wish I had done that instead of SRS. An example of the steering I had toward SRS was being told by both my endos and therapists that there is no data about the long-term risks of FFS and BA for trans women, etc., while SRS is a long-proven procedure that is free of complications when performed by the top-tier surgeons (and the one my therapists heavily advocated happened to be the one I had already picked.) Issues such as the numbness I currently experience I had been lead by them to believe were not risks. So, really, I went into SRS expecting that my body would feel exactly as it did before, because I had been told that. Of course it doesn't and I was utterly unprepared to deal with it. Now, I hope the numbness is permanent because I don't know if I can deal with more changes.

When I had open heart surgery, I was left with ugly scars on my chest and arm.  That was 2006.  I still have small, localized numb places on my arm, where they ripped out an artery.  However, the incision I had right down my sternum left my chest numb for several months.  It was a fascinating feeling when the nerve sensations came back.

You really don't want the numb to stay.  And your surgeons were likely more cognizant than mine, which was sort of an emergency surgery.

Quote from: Agent_J on September 03, 2013, 01:13:34 AM
I'm struggling with adjusting to how my body is different following SRS. I think a lot of this has to do with having gone into it in not the best way. The how and why of that is a long story that isn't worth repeating, but what it meant was that I went into it believing (because I had been told by people whom I thought were reliable guides) that it would mean no change just everything being better. I'm finding that the reality isn't that...

So, how did you adjust?

It is completely normal to be experiencing numbness and for it to not feel right at this point while your body is healing.

Your question, "So how did you adjust?"  Is something that I am unable to process.  SRS is a surgical procedure, the way you "adjust" is your body heals it self, nerves repair themselves, it get's better.  Your brain begins to remap the area so it feels "right" and properly located.

Quote from: Kate G on September 21, 2013, 01:03:24 AM
It is completely normal to be experiencing numbness and for it to not feel right at this point while your body is healing.

Your question, "So how did you adjust?"  Is something that I am unable to process.  SRS is a surgical procedure, the way you "adjust" is your body heals it self, nerves repair themselves, it get's better.  Your brain begins to remap the area so it feels "right" and properly located.

I gather Agent J means mentally and emotionally...

But as far as I can tell Agent J is asking how to adjust mentally to things that are only temporary.

I am not sure, Kate. She said something along the line of having a strong sense that her body is not right, that she would rather have done a no-cavity surgery and so on. To me this sounds more like an issue with body image than with the concrete problems with numbness and maybe pain.

I wanted to comment shortly on the "if I get aroused I feel like the penis should still be there" sentence of hers. My expereience was a bit similar in a physical sense (unless AgentJ meant it in a body image sense) as I was feeling pressure building up at that time. I think they leave in a little bit of the tissue that swells upon arousal, so that is what one feels. If that is too much, I think some can be removed in a second surgery if that is planned anyways. But also it subsides with time - but it may take many months, just like the rest of the healing. This is a MAJOR surgery, so it just takes time for the physical healing to take place and if that is slow or some things do not heal well at all, tis can affect the mental issue about perceiving the body to be wrong. I cannot comment much on that - I had severe complications shortly after SRS but still felt that my body was more fitting to myself despite the numb spots and the extra procedures, but that is highly individualI guess.

A bad thing always in terms of body image is if people do SRS because the therapists, surgeons, friends, the TG community, family,... wants them to do it to complete the process - and they are not doing it out of their own and true (heart AND mind) decision and with anticipation.

Yes, I wanted to stay non-op.

In a conversation about it with a friend, she said it took her about eight months post-op to figure out orgasm and, "everything is so different and that is okay."

That's what I've realized - I wasn't and am not able to be okay with my body being different, and I have no idea how to deal with this.

Well 8 months is rather normal yes. I think it took me 5 or so, some needed 12. It is a bit weird as in a way at the begining it was quite similar actually to how it was before in terms of the feeling, not the way to get there of course. It was harder to do and the result was a bit different but not completely strange. It evolved then with time to something quite different though as time passed by.

I am still not quite sure as to what to say to this or even understand what you mean by that not being ok with the changes. Is it that your body image as your inner self tells you how it should be like is now less matching up with reality? Or to put it bluntly does your inner self desire a different kind of body in respect of genitalia?

Quote from: Agent_J on September 23, 2013, 03:58:07 PM
Yes, I wanted to stay non-op.

In a conversation about it with a friend, she said it took her about eight months post-op to figure out orgasm and, "everything is so different and that is okay."

That's what I've realized - I wasn't and am not able to be okay with my body being different, and I have no idea how to deal with this.

Well what I am suggesting is that you give it some time to heal before you seek phalloplasty, maybe after it is no longer a source of pain and numbness you might begin to appreciate it and how it can change your life.  Women often times have a vagina and while it may not always be something they cherish or "feel right about" it tends to be a "situation" unique to their experience.  All I am saying is give it a chance.  One moment at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time.  Try not to get all up in your head because you will begin to create suffering for yourself though if the purpose of this post is to mourn the loss of an important part of you then I will mourn with you.

But the purpose of your post seemed to be to ask the question, "How did you adjust to your body after SRS."  At least that is what I understood you to be asking.  Since this is really about you and since I had no need to adjust to my body after SRS I am relating to you upon the basis of my experience which is that no vagina feels right when it is a source of pain and numbness and when having to dilate makes it an inconvenience.  I am suggesting that it gets better.

Quote from: Agent_J on September 23, 2013, 03:58:07 PM
Yes, I wanted to stay non-op.

In a conversation about it with a friend, she said it took her about eight months post-op to figure out orgasm and, "everything is so different and that is okay."

That's what I've realized - I wasn't and am not able to be okay with my body being different, and I have no idea how to deal with this.

I'm not sure what you mean by, "I'm not ok with my body being different." How did you expect SRS to not change your body? That's the whole point of it. It sounds like you rushed into it before you thought about whether you actually wanted it. If you were fine with being non-op then what changed your mind?

I mean that what I had before was right for me and what I have now is wrong.

I was told by doctors and therapists that I SRS would "not change anything, just make everything better."

What changed my mind was having my access to HRT used as a method of convincing me to include SRS in my transition - either have SRS or go without HRT, basically.

I am not considering phallo as it can never restore my body. My body will always be deformed.

I think, for most of us the changes from HRT are the same kind of changes as GRS. In the same category. Softer smoother arms and legs, bigger derriere, breast growth are in the same category of change as having a vagina instead of penis. For me having a bigger softer rear end would be a fun happy adjustment and also true for GRS for similar reasons. Feminization. What did you like about HRT?

I liked everything HRT did. What I didn't like was having the dose frequently changed (increased and decreased as often as monthly,) being forced to go off of it for up to a month at a time, etc. It was never said this directly but the persistent message was, "have SRS already and this goes away. Don't have it and we can make things even more difficult."

Sounds a lot like what Caitlin says in the #chat. Doctors pushing for SRS with threats of stopping HRT and claims that not much would chenge. I dont get how they can do that. Mine always were clear abou it not changing a lot in social context but of course I knew there would be huge changes in my body and I longed for that incredibly. I had to keep asking for SRS until I got it, the docs would probably have me go for a while without it. I think eventually they will push though. They want people to make a decision in order to end gender dysphoria. They sometimes ask then to go for SRS and complete the process as this is what often makes people no longer think of gender dysphoria anymore - or to consider going back to birth gender if the uncertainty is big enough or if they are good ones will give the option to be non-op but fulltime + on HRT. I think they dont like it as they like a bigendered world and also because livelong HRT for nonops is not that great an option for health.
A friend of mine basically jumped off the surgery table after being pushed there a bit by docs but mostly by peer pressure. years of nonop HRT did not really do a lot of good for the non-op parts....so I think it probably is quite an art to be non-op but still feminize the body otherwise, especially if HRT is used.

Quote from: anjaq on September 24, 2013, 02:07:55 AM
years of nonop HRT did not really do a lot of good for the non-op parts....

anjaq, you are most befuddling. Would you mind defining 'good' in this context?

Quote
so I think it probably is quite an art to be non-op but still feminize the body otherwise,

It's an art to be non-op and still feminise??

Quote
..especially if HRT is used.

What else would you use apart from HRT? Will power, meditation, spiritual healing?

I am Caitlin on #chat.

Ah ok, I thought so, Caitlin as this is the same story. So we had talked on that before there. Well, I still dont really know what to say, all I tried to say I did in #chat. Basically suggesting that maybe the weirdness in terms of body image comes from the numbness, that once it goes away it may feel more like your body is yours again and that it may feel right then - its hard to say but you should give it more time to heal - and being positive about regaining feeling and sensitivity and a good body image probably helps in healing as well.
If you really did a mistake and SRS was not for you, then thats a problem I cannot really say much about as I did not have met anyone with a similar issue yet. Maybe *retransition can say something on that if he found some people on the internet who feel in a similar way while researching for his retransition. I can imagine that there are some who had such issues with SRS but did not de/retransition either.

@Nicolette: Ok, I dont want to get into details about my friend here, but to speak generally, being on HRT, especially androgen blockers will cause the tissues of the male type genitalia to shink and eventually change in texture in a way that could be considered a degeneration. The cells that are part of the genitalia adopt some of the behaviour of cells which would be in another place in the other gender. This may cause pain or torn skin. To create a HRT regime that at the same time keeps up the functionality and health of the male genitalia while still feminizing the rest of the body is not really easy, it seems. This is of course anecdotal as I can only speak of people I know and their experience in various stages of being nonm-op or pre-op. But they all had issues and SRS surgeons often recommend to do SRS within 2 years or so after HRT for that reason.
I know there are people who are non op and sexually active but still present fully female, I dont know if they have a special HRT regime or if they essentially have done the feminizing changes by surgeries and implants alone - no spiritual healing needed, just shaving off bones, implanting silicone and laser treating body hair. It totally is possible to feminize appearance without hormones with extensive FFS and other procedures, I believe. In that case hormonal status remains basically male but physical appearance is female, under these circumstances being non-op certainly works. With HRT as the method of choice for feminization I am not so sure.

Quote from: anjaq on September 24, 2013, 07:10:43 AM
I know there are people who are non op and sexually active but still present fully female, I dont know if they have a special HRT regime..

I didn't know these were mutually exclusive. Well, my body was never told. I've been on HRT with cyproterone acetate for 19 years. I've never had a problem with functioning down there, and the skin has not yet degenerated (what the hell?!). It sounds like HRT response is very individual. My T level has always been <0.4.